Why?

For some reason, my depression came back and smacked me upside my head this afternoon. I’ve felt emotional good for quite awhile now. I hate this feeling – and especially that I have to push it down and hide it … Pretending that all is well even when it is sucking out my emotions. I HAVE to hide it. I have to. Anxious Fearful Angry. For the first time in a very very long time, I wanted to punch a cinder block wall. I put the knuckles of my fist up to it and turned my fist, pushing through as I would in a power punch.

Aging

I’ve just spent the last four days with my mother for her 90th birthday. I am in awe of how well she is doing. Yes, some of her quirks have become a little quirkier, and it’s harder for her to hear. Her humor is just as quick, her posture straight up, her love of books and reading has plenty of time to be fed (a favorite site is to see her with her legs draped over the side of her chair, like a teenager, deep into her current read) and she’s in a safe apartment surrounded by caring friends. Unless the weather is bad, she puts on her heavy binoculars and ventures out for an hour of bird watching every morning. And, yes, she also does water aerobics twice a week.

This was a special opportunity to share a special event. Rather than my visit being a gift for her, it truly was more of a gift for me. I’ll hold it dear forever.

Happy 90th Birthday Mom! I continually love and admire you, trying to follow your example.

New and newer

So … new insurance means finding a new person to handle meds. Met with that person yesterday. Oh, and yesterday kind of s#cked. Made several professional mistakes that I could be called to task on and/or written up for. Trying to stay on top of too many things at once and that means making mistakes. On to the new prescriber, a psychiatric nurse practitioner. After spending over an hour with her, she’s decided to double the amount of Zoloft (generic version) from 50 to 100 mg. I knew the 50 mg was low, but it was mainly to stop the crying. And she’s also increasing my Lamictal from 200 to 300 mg. She says that’s the most that should be taken before its effectiveness decreased. She wanted me to take the rest of the week off of work but I refused to. Conferences and assessments to be done. Next week is a vacation week, so that should help. As always happens, she wanted me to assure her that if I felt like hurting myself, I would call 911. I said I wouldn’t do that. Would I call her? I said, “honestly, no.” Heer response was the expected, “if you can’t do that, then I need to hospitalize you.” My response, “I have no desire to kill myself, but I can’t say I won’t hurt myself.” I’d told her that my self harming had gone from the more obvious cutting and burning to the non-visible purging. Even though it is not a good thing. This seemed more satisfactory to her and she let me go at that. I’ve never wanted to kill myself. There are too many things in life I want to see .. like grandchildren someday, my family, the world, what happens in life! Sometimes I just don’t want to hurt so much. It’s not even all the time, just when things happen. I just want to feel ok with myself and not so volatile or sensitive to everything. The roller coaster has NEVER been a ride I enjoyed ( real or metaphorically speaking.) And it’s not too thrilling for others on the ride with me either, ie my husband and family.

We’ll see how it goes. Today, I’m feeling better – but that’s also how it seems to go. I really would like to be ok with myself some day. From what I hear, I’m a pretty decent person.

I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to be like this!

That’s it in the title.

Writing when I probably shouldn’t

Long day at work – prepping for a substitute while I’ll be at a training seminar. Doing paperwork , making mistakes, apologizing to parents. Feeling like I mess everything up! It makes no sense since I’ve got plenty of experience. But I can’t seem to get my feet securely underneath me. . I know I can do this … Some days I feel so incompetent even when I’m not. Just so unsure of myself . Stress. I don’t handle it very well. Never have. Feel like I’m the inexperienced one, even when I’m not. Can’t think or plan clearly. Disorganized in a world that needs organization. I really want this to work. I live being able to help kids who needs that specialized help. Frustrated and wanting to do and be better than I am. That’s where I am tonight.

Long Week and Feeling the Stress

The first trimester of school is almost over. I can’t believe we’re a third of the way through the school year already! I still don’t feel like I’m on firm ground, there’s so much to do and to get used to. On top of lots of assessments of students, meetings, teaching … I’m exhausted and typically spend ten hours a day at school. And, I’m not sleeping very well, unless I take three different things to help me get to sleep.

This week has been especially stressful. There’s been a lot of anxiety. My first meeting of the week went well on Monday. I had another on Wednesday that wasn’t so good. I was nervous and the computer program/site that we process our paperwork on wasn’t working correctly and really messed up my report. Can’t blame it … that’s just what happens sometimes. But, because I’m new there and feeling unsure about teaching after 2.5 years away from it, the way that meeting went felt horrible. One of the other specialists saw me later in the day and could tell how much I’m struggling. She was very supportive and tried to help me feel more secure in what I do. I am very lucky to work with people like her!

Yesterday was going pretty well, until a student in my room had an absentee seizure. It wasn’t stopping, nurse was there, 911 called … I think he’s ok though. 🙂

Today was crazy, crazy! We had a fire drill and evacuation drill first thing. Got back to school and was able to work with two classes before lunch. Just as lunch was ending. we found out there was a gunman incident happening in town and the whole school district went into lockdown mode. For three hours! Everything at school was ok. Unfortunately, two police officers were killed and another injured.

On top of all this going on, I’m struggling with finding a new doctor to prescribe my medications. I think I need to see a general practitioner first. I only have about a month of meds left, so it’s a time issue. I’m on new insurance, so everything has to switch. I’ve been working on it, but seem to call after business hours. That’s on me – to find the time and remember to call when someone is available to take my call.

Please understand, I’m not complaining and I hope it doesn’t come across as if I am. It’s just been a difficult transition and I am struggling with it. Unfortunately, the stress has triggered my bulimia and I’m using that to cope more often. Not a good plan! I feel the decades of it in my chest whenever I do purge. I started writing this post because I’m feeling very full from the pot pie I had for supper. I really wanted to purge, but didn’t. I hate that full feeling. At least it’s good that my meds have my BPD well in check!

Thanks for reading through my ramblings.

High Anxiety!

My anxiety is shooting up – at unexpected times and for no apparent reason. OK, I guess there is/are reasons. Work is stressful –  returning to it and being in a new place to teach, and feeling like I’m not up to snuff and worried about it all. Now I’m trying to find a new psych doctor and worry about the money aspect of that. My husband would say not to worry, but do what I feel I need to. But I don’t feel worthy of spending that kind of money on myself. I need to find a doctor, though. My meds run out in about a month and I need a psych to prescribe them. Me with no meds is a BAD thing! I’ve only fairly recently seemed to find a “cocktail” of meds that seems to be a good balance for me. I just sent an email to a prospective doctor. I gave him all the basic facts up front. I hope I hear from him soon. My insurance website provided his name, but then I didn’t see my carrier on HIS list, so I’m worried about that. I’m turning into my mother with worrying!

Keeping Up and Keeping It Down

I’ve been trying to catch up on reading blogs I follow (apologies if I’m behind on reading yours.) Reading is making me take a look at how I’m doing. Keeping up is a big part of that. I’ve returned to teaching, after being off for a few years, and am already back to working 10 hour days and feeling like that isn’t enough. I’m not cutting or burning (good thing!) but am struggling with bulimia again. I eat, then eat too much. As the food sits in my stomach afterwards, the fullness expands and feels like an expanded sponge, but as heavy as lead. Some days, life events keep me from doing what my natural reaction is ( purging ), other times I lose the battle. I know it is a coping mechanism for trying to do my best at work and feeling like it’s not enough. How to balance it in a healthy way is a huge challenge. Right now, I’m feeling it and fighting it.

The last time I went to see my counselor, she wasn’t there. She’d called in sick, but no one at the office seemed to know about it, and I sat waiting. It wasn’t the first time. And, I drove an hour to get there. I have a phone session coming up with her. My insurance just changed also. I don’t think her office takes it, so that means finding a new support person. That scares me, both financially (though my husband would challenge that statement) and feeling like I’m starting over.

After reading another blog http://mmstores.wordpress.com/2014/09/21/september/ I wonder about returning to my martial arts. Time and energy hold me back as much as the physical challenge of it. It would be a good thing to do. I’ll plant that seed and it will hopefully grow to fruition.

Now, to keep myself busy until the feeling in my stomach passes. That would also be a good thing.

Count Down …

In two weeks I will be starting my new job as a special education teacher. It’s been two years since I taught – in a different state and with older students. I’m excited and anxious. Both emotions are to be expected as normal considering the situation (years off and different state) but I hope that my BPD doesn’t kick in and make me over reactive to all that will be going on. The medications I’m on, and working with a counselor, seem to be helping a lot, but this will really put them to the test. I realize that I’m not “on the clock” yet, as teachers aren’t to report for two weeks yet, but have been anxious about coming up to speed on certain situations due to a big meeting right away. I feel confident that once I’m there and settled that I will do a great job. But … the anxiety is in getting to that point in time. It’s yet another transition and transition times are difficult. It’s wonderful to have a school like how I presented myself in an interview, and my credentials/resume, to offer me a position. I was thrilled to actually have two job offers! I’m glad that I chose this position over the other. I think it’s a better fit in many ways. You may have noticed how vague I am about this position. Confidentiality is crucial in teaching and especially special education. 

On another front, I just returned from a week and a half driving trip with my spouse (vague again!) I had hoped that the time together in the car would open the opportunities for some good discussions about where we are in life and our relationship. I tried to begin, but it was not to be. This made me very sad and ruminating about it all. But when all is said and done, at this point in life, there comes a shift in how we view ourselves and significant others. Passion and obsessions mellow into quietness. Priorities change. Some needs need to be filled from within that from another. There is a sad realness to this. It is what it is. You can’t look for others to change because you need or want them to. And what about changes in myself? There is need and want there as well. I am trying and will continue to in many areas.  All I can do is work on myself and not judge what others do with themselves. 

I suppose this is not only a count down to my new position, but to settling into a new phase in life in many ways. 

Life has been good to me in more ways than I can list. I appreciate all of them and need to focus on those rather than on lesser issues. All is good. 

Afraid

I’m very afraid of what this new approach to my therapy will bring. But I asked for it. I feel like I’m in Limbo. Something am waits, but what. I want to force it out of hiding, yet fear it will be my undoing to do so. The fear makes me want to do things to myself to avoid facing it … Binge, purge, cut, burn, drink, pills … My skin is crawling. I don’t really want to hurt myself, just trying to avoid the unknown fear. Binging and purging isn’t working. I’ve no strong desire to cut and burn (feelings aren’t at that intensity right now) and having a drink just makes me sadly aware of the fear and avoidance.
I want to talk but am afraid of what I might say or ask. The truth might be too hard, too uncomfortable – demanding what of me?

“I don’t think you really have BPD,” She said. Then what? Am I just fucked up? I know my life is a dream compared to others. But I cannot deny the fear and trepidation that fill me. I put on a laughing facade around my friends. They say they are always there to help, but how can they? This all seems so childish of me. Get over it! Shut up the words that resound in your head. Silence can be so deafening.

Drinking makes me depressed, just like they say it will. Not a good thing to do. Ok, off to bed. Night all.