Worry and Panic about my dog

Chi

Chi

 

My dog has been lethargic the last several days. She ran and played hard on Friday. Saturday found her quiet and sleeping. A little stiff, I thought. Same same on Sunday. I began wondering if she’d picked up a bug. That  would take a few days to work through, so I tried to be patient on Monday. By Monday night, I noticed that her stool was very soft, though not diarrhea. She continues to eat, but only wants to get up when she needs to go outside. I was gone for several hours yesterday (Tuesday) and didn’t get home until early evening. Still very lethargic. My husband noticed that some bumps were showing on her snout. Bumps like the ones that erupted on  her snout last spring – and she was on two antibiotics for weeks. Ears down, tail down, trouble getting up from her bed. I felt desolate with worry about what was going on. She’s only a year old.

I was up with her for a couple of hours during the night. She did walk outside (it may have helped hearing deer munching on the twigs and leaves of branches we had trimmed, right next to the.) This morning, she  is walking a little better, but still doesn’t want to get up.  Thankfully, I’m able to get her into the vet’s office in a few hours. So, stool sample in hand (in a baggie), I hope to get some answers and help for her soon. She’s my baby girl, after all, and has been there for me through a lot of depression last fall. She’s my Chi.

I need some feedback on this explanation for my husband. PLEASE!

emotion

emotion (Photo credit: photo.anger)

I’m trying to clarify what’s going on with me for my husband – how he seems to perceive it vs how I perceive it. But I’d like to get some feedback from you who follow my blog to see if what I’ve written makes sense. Please help me to clarify this as much as I can for him. He loves me and I love him.

Here’s how it seems that you see me – please correct me if and where I am wrong. And then I will attempt to explain how I perceive myself to you.

Here seems to be what we’ve both observed: I don’t do well with calmness. I need to keep my plate full to overfull.

* You told me that I seem to seek out things to get upset about. And if those get resolved, I find other things.
* I need to be upset. I need to feel like a martyr

* I take little things and make them into big things.
* I pick on Peter, or you

* I take things too personally
* I don’t see how little wrongs are in the big picture ( I can’t tolerate them) all or nothing
* I obsess
* I look for things to be wrong

* I don’t seem to want to be happy

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OK, Here’s what it feels like from inside me … pretty  creepy some times

* ANGER upsets me: mine, yours, Dad’s – anyone’s. Loud voices, doors slamming, screams. It doesn’t have to be directed at me even. But I’m always afraid it will be. It can be in a movie, a book, taking place in my vicinity, caused by me, aimed at me,  …

* I feel very anxious about … everything … my work (that I can’t do it right, have become incompetent ….etc) moving, making decisions, choices I’ve make that have impact where we’re at in life now, how I’ve been as a parent, wife, daughter, what I’ll do after we move.
* I love you very much and most of the time I feel that you know best about everything. However, there are moments, when my thinking gets twisted and I lose sight of that and only see what I’m upset about, and can’t see the good for the bad (so to speak) It’s called black and white thinking. This doesn’t happen often, but like my anger, is like a switch being flipped. impulsive.
* Sometimes, when we’re arguing, I may seem to drift off and to seem to be taking what you’re saying very seriously. What it is it that I can’t connect with what you’re saying so I dissociate from it. This doesn’t happen often, only when I’m really upset by what’s being said  like when you said you didn’t think you could stay with me. I just couldn’t register that.

* Nothing seems top be able to remain “little” in my mind. It’s not that I TRY to take little thing and make them into big things, it’s just that by having them around as “issues”, they hale me avoid myself – what are actually the real big issues. Same with picking fights with Peter and you. keeping it away from myself, – I’m not the problem. When I really am. What my problem is is how emotionally sensitive I am an how difficult it is for me to control y emotions. That seems to be why I try and divert everything away from MY emotions and onto someone else’ or some other situation.
* I keep thinking that if someone or something forces me to come face to face with myself, without the ability to run away from  it, I’ll be in a sink or swim situation. And I hope it’ll be a swim. Sit me down, force me to face my demons, my feelings, finding out that I won’t actually die from them. I just don’t seem to be able to see things as they really are. I try to, but it’s always distorted.

* When there’s nothing going on to keep me preoccupied, it’s a very uncomfortable feeling. I don’t know what to do! That’s where impulsive behavior can come in, I HAVE to do SOMETHING to have some kind of feeling. If I don’t, other feeling seep in that can be uncomfortable to deal with. And when they do, my behaviors can become even more out of control to try and push those feelings down (cutting, burning, yelling/anger erratic driving – ask Peter)
* I need to learn to tolerate them and listen to the part of my mind that says it’s ok. This move may be a part of that change in me.

* Right now I find myself hyper sensitive to emotions of sadness, loneliness, and fear of loss. I’ve always been afraid of losing you even though you remain with me. Abandonment

Feeling Good

For the first time in quite a while, I woke up feeling good today. I’m not sure why,  but I’ll take it and appreciate it.

Yesterday, I was very anxious. After therapy on Friday (the 13th!) I had driven out of the parking lot like a bat out of hell, in a panic to “get away”.

I had a good group session talking about communication and how only I can control my actions – and the same is true for others. I may not like decisions they make, but they are their decisions to make and not mine. Then, the psychiatrist laid down the law … other people are there, there might have been kids around – even his kids. I WOULD NOT EVER DO THAT AGAIN AT THIS FACILITY … the unspoken words were that if so, I would no longer be allowed to be in the program. POW! The conversation led me to have some other discussions throughout the day about how I could have sidestepped the trigger that led to the panic. Later, in art therapy, I had a good experience with the project we were working on. It somewhat illustrated moving forward from a place that was dark, with only a little light, to a much lighter place, although the dark was not completely gone. Nothing’s perfect.

During the evening, conversation felt comfortable with my husband for the first time in I don’t know how long! I also taught karate and felt better there than in months. And I had a good night’s sleep. So now I start a new day, feeling good. What a change! I wonder what the day will bring?

Day 3 of Partial Hospitalization Program and I’m Exhausted!

Twenty years ago, I was inpatient for 6 weeks for bulimia. I never cried or really let my emotions be exposed. Today I did, first thing in the morning during a small group session. I so want to hear and feel nurturing love from my husband (and looking back to my childhood, my mother.) To know someone loves you is one thing, but my strong emotional need sought and craves more. I want to be held when I hurt or am distraught. I want validation and to hear, out loud, that I am loved. But these things were not in my mother’s nature, nor are they in my husband’s. I guess it’s the still young child in me that is so fearful of not being loved and of being left/abandoned. That doesn’t make me want it any less though. Today I expressed my lack of these things in front of virtual strangers, without aggravating the still healing burn on my arm. Yesterday, I could not talk in group, or with the psychiatrist without constantly rubbing and applying pressure to it. Today, I left it alone by clenching my fist under my arm. Is that progress? Hopefully.

                                        A yoga class.

After that group time we went to experiential therapy. There, we worked on mindfulness of our environment and then did some yoga. The mindfulness was new to me, but I can see how it helps as a grounding technique. During the yoga, which was used to relax our body and mind, I found myself pushing my body to physically go as far as I could. But that was a distraction from the purpose. The whole time, my muscles were  quivering from anxiety. During a balancing pose, I couldn’t maintain my balance. The therapist tried an exercise with me whereby I held out my arm and stated positive qualities about myself while he applied downward pressure on my hand. I stood strong, which is the usual response. Then, he had me repeat it, but stating negative aspects. Typically, the person is not able to resist the downward pressure and their arm is easily pushed down. Not me. My arm was as rigid and strong as when I stated the positives. What does that say about me?

The staff was meeting for their weekly meeting about the patients today. I’m very curious about their observations about me so far. Will I ever find out? For some reason, I’m almost obsessive about what the “professionals” perception of me is. But they don’t come out and tell you, and I assume terrible things. There’s that word … assume. Make an ass of me.

Various pills

After lunch, I met with the psychiatrist to discuss my medications. I have a long list. He wants to wean me off of Lorazapam (but not the Temazepam) and add Abilify to help increase the effects of my Effexor. All the other medications will stay the same. As he said, it gets worse (longer list) before it can get better.

Français : La rivière Ardèche. Deutsch: Die ro...

The last session of the day was art therapy. We had a large sheet of paper divided into 4 sections. We were given an assortment of drawing media to use, but I asked to use just a pencil. In the first section, we were told a scene of walking down a path, rounding a corner and discovering a river in our path that needed to be crossed. We were to draw how we got across. My drawing depicted a strong river with a steep bank and one rock in the middle. Other rocks were on my side, but too large to move.

Line art drawing of a goat.

Photo credit: Wikipedia

The second picture was of being at the top of a mountain with a cliff on one side of the path, a steep incline on the other, and a billy goat blocking the path. How did we get past the goat?

I drew myself having a rope around the goat and tied to a tree behind me. The third was of a cave with two guardians and how we were to get into the cave.

I drew myself up in a tree throwing rocks past the guardians to distract them so I could sneak into the cave.

The fourth was of being in the cave where there was a fire. What would we have with us?

Publicity photo of David Carradine and Sondra ...

I drew a cave with stalactites, a fire with a large kettle (engrave with dragons: hint – back to the old Kung Fu tv show) and myself with sleeves rolled up exposing bare arms. To burn myself as I picked up the kettle?

 

 

We then discussed the quadrants. #1, obstacles. Everyone showed herself making it across, except me. #2, conflict the women in the group befriended the goat, the men kicked it over the side of the cliff. #3, guardians. Everyone confronted the guardians in a positive way and was granted access to the cave. I distracted them, perceiving them has protecting the cave and being adversaries of mine, needing to gain entry secretively. #4: comfort : what things did you have that brought you comfort in the cave? Everyone else had some useful or needed thing: food, a tent, tools. I stood with outstretch arms, having nothing but myself and my only thought was of getting burned if I tried to remove the kettle from the fire. I could not help but think that I had perceived and done the whole task wrong. Everyone else took their drawing. I left mine on the table, left quickly and sped out of the parking lot in a panic.

Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions

Photo credit: Wikipedia

What will day 4 bring?

First Post

Hi, I’ve just begun my recovery from decades of BPD that was never addressed. I’ve coped, at my family’s expense. That is no longer acceptable to me. We all deserve to be happy and to find joy in life. My hope is that it isn’t too late for me or those close to me. I’m desperately afraid of what demons I will be challenged with facing, be they experiences, issues or emotions. Right now, I’m feeling very lonely and apprehensive about stepping into this journey. But step forward I must because going backward isn’t an option and staying put is debilitating. So, here goes!

Lonely Wolf

Lonely Wolf (Photo credit: Ghetu Daniel)