Afraid

I’m very afraid of what this new approach to my therapy will bring. But I asked for it. I feel like I’m in Limbo. Something am waits, but what. I want to force it out of hiding, yet fear it will be my undoing to do so. The fear makes me want to do things to myself to avoid facing it … Binge, purge, cut, burn, drink, pills … My skin is crawling. I don’t really want to hurt myself, just trying to avoid the unknown fear. Binging and purging isn’t working. I’ve no strong desire to cut and burn (feelings aren’t at that intensity right now) and having a drink just makes me sadly aware of the fear and avoidance.
I want to talk but am afraid of what I might say or ask. The truth might be too hard, too uncomfortable – demanding what of me?

“I don’t think you really have BPD,” She said. Then what? Am I just fucked up? I know my life is a dream compared to others. But I cannot deny the fear and trepidation that fill me. I put on a laughing facade around my friends. They say they are always there to help, but how can they? This all seems so childish of me. Get over it! Shut up the words that resound in your head. Silence can be so deafening.

Drinking makes me depressed, just like they say it will. Not a good thing to do. Ok, off to bed. Night all.

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Post Assessment

I had (most of) my assessment done by the county a few days ago. Yes, I should have help. It was the 3rd or 4th assessment done in the past year and a half. Why am I surprised that nothing has changed? Some good news, though, is that the county is starting a DBT group in a few weeks. The staff was just trained. But, as usually happens when I’m in the status of getting help, it brings everything to the forefront of my mind. And that makes me depressed. No pretending it isn’t hovering nearby. No denying it’s existence. Facing it is hard to do, but I must. Hopefully, this DBT group will help me to get AND USE tools to make my episodes less traumatic for myself and my family. The thought of talking to people, honestly, generates a lot of fear and wanting to numb myself. But I have to do something. All my meds are gone.

Blogging helps, but I need a therapist!

Blogging has really been a big help to me, of that there is no doubt, but as I wind my way through the insurance maze of paper work, time, and red tape all the while trying to deal with all these emotions – and wanting to stab my leg or burn or cut or take too many sleeping or anxiety pills, all I can think is, I need a therapist so I can actually get going with therapy instead of just “maintaining” until I’m with a therapist who does DBT. After all, it’s been six months of maintaining and I have moved and yadda yadda yadda. I feel like I’ve got to be doing some serious therapy soon or I’m in big trouble. I’ve been dog paddling in the deep end of the pool for too long now and I’m getting pretty tired. I took two sleeping pills and an anxiety pill to help me sleep tonight, after having a drink. Won’t do more than that, and shouldn’t. But want to. Just so tired of all this dragging on. Haven’t even gotten to the starting line yet. Always a delay. My saving grace is that I lose track of how long I’ve been “maintaining” and waiting for my “real” therapy to start. Can’t think straight time-wise. Feels like forever though. Feels like it’ll never happen. Another abandonment? I hope not. I’ve spent fifty years like this, and it’s time to flip the LP (for those who remember them). My husband just reminded me of the closing words to the Willie Wonka move, “what happens to people who get everything they want? …. They live happily ever after.” I know it’s different for those of us with BPD, but I know there is some semblance of similarity to that statement for us as well for happily ever after to occur. That is what I want. I think the key word would be balanced emotions. I want to experience them all, but not to the nth degree! Especially all the time! That’s my goal. Now let’s get going with therapy!

Hope

I met my new therapist today, after finding my way into downtown Sacramento through a maze of roads I’ve never driven before and while anxious after hearing that my husband had called an ambulance to take him to the hospital because he was having so much back pain he was throwing up and couldn’t breathe!

Well if you made it through that sentence, thanks. This is the first therapist I’ve talked to who really knows DBT. I felt like she was being honest with me so we’ll see what happens. One thing I learned was that all my years of bulimia were self harming, just like my cutting and burning. Not a separate disorder. How lucky could I be?!

I’ll leave it there for now. Man do I need my computer and full access to the Internet!

Paranoid

I meet my new therapist in two days. And I’m afraid. Paranoid. I’ve been self harming (burning) for various reasons: anxiety, boredom, shame. The burns aren’t bad or infected. But I woke up in the middle of the night thinking that here I am in a new state, home, environment … my husband isn’t with me yet, and she’s going to take my 16 year old son away from me! He’s not in any danger. I’m not burning myself with fire, it’s just a superficial coping mechanism for me … but they’ll take him away and I’ll be alone! PANIC and paranoia. I’m on the verge of cancelling my appointment. But I know I shouldn’t. I can’t move forward if I just stand still – yet part of e wants to run backwards and hide. Everything is in black and white. There are two neighborhood cats who like to hang around my garden. They look exactly alike, except one is short hair and one long, and yep – they are black and white!

It's a cat.

My heart is pounding as I watch the humming birds this morning and try to figure out how to approach my burning dilemma as I go into a new therapy situation. I’m anxious about this therapy. Should I do DBT or another form? I doubt every decision I make. For a smart person, I feel pretty incapable most of the time.

Today’s challenge, on top of what I’ve just written about, is the California DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) and getting my drivers license. Smile for the camera.

Fail and Burn

Master Lock

Master Lock (Photo credit: Pinachina)

I didn’t cut, but I didn’t make it. My son went to watch a movie and I was home alone, at a time I would usually be going to bed. But I couldn’t because I was going to have to go pick him up in a couple of hours. I really struggled. I looked around for something to cut with, but there was nothing but a dull pocket knife and a duller paring knife. All I really wanted was some small wound I could rub during my anxious moment (ummm, all day) like a worry doll. So I ended up burning the back of my neck because that is where I tend to rub anyways. Too much thought? I tend to think too much. First, blown out matches, then, a heated up heavy duty master lock because it really held the heat. The matches didn’t. I blew them out because I didn’t want my hair to catch on fire. I self harm, but I’m not suicidal. I do want to find a way out of this and be around to see the beauty of life and the world, my son as a man, and maybe a husband and father. There are many things I’d like to do that won’t happen if I’m dead. My self harm is coping, diversionary and a release for anxiety and anger, frustration and sadness. Sometimes, it’s even when I’m happy or excited. Go figure?

I’m getting more anxious about a new therapist. And wondering if DBT is the right kind of therapy for me. Research time. And I had a conversation with my old psychiatrist yesterday that really made me rethink my first impression of him. When I first me him, I left the session and sent emails to my GP and psychologist saying I refused to work with him, he didn’t seem to know anything bla bla bla (black and white thinking). Well, as I talked to him yesterday, he told me that he called my insurance company and talked directly to the doctor who decides on if you will be granted disability or not. That doctor had decided basically not to give it to me because of my move – not based on my psychological condition. So when my doc (Dr H) called, and it turned out actually knew him, he really advocated for me based on my condition. It doesn’t matter where I’m living, I’m not in any condition to be teaching right now. I have a disability. When I am able to teach, I will be released back to work by me current doctor. So, he’s fairly confident that the disability will be approved for now. It was only to be through the remainder of the school year (early June) and not permanent, but I know insurance companies have to try and avoid all costs. My main thought here is that Dr H really changed in my eyes. He’s still a little soft spoken, but I think he’s on my side and that’s what matters.

Hoping for a harm free day. No promises, but I think I’ll be with my son all day so that should help.

 

Hi … ? Needing information from other BPDs

Ahh Doctor can I have another

Ahh Doctor can I have another

I want to post today, but I’m at a loss for words. I’m done with my day/group therapy using CBT. It was part of what I need, but definitely not all. I had just gotten to the point of understanding some coping skills, and then BAM, I was done with the program. I’m still working on setting up therapy in CA, but nothing definitive yet. I see my psychiatrist this week and really need to find an alternative to Lamotrgine that doesn’t cause weight gain. On it, I gained 25 pounds in 2 months! Considering I had just lost about 15 pound, this was devastating. If it continues, I’m worried that it will trigger unhealthy self harming behavior.

Obesity Campaign Poster

Obesity Campaign Poster (Photo credit: Pressbound)

This was not good at all. I’m now about 100 pounds over weight (at my best weight) but would be ok with being 10-15 pound above what the charts say. Comes down to being very over weight, no matter how you look at it. The only med for mood stabilization that I was able to locate information online about is Topomax. Has anyone heard of or used it? Do you know of any other medication that doesn’t cause weight gain? I was taken off of Abilify because it caused me to be very constipated. However, I’ve been off it for 4-5 days and am still bound up. Once a week bowel movements are not ok with me! I’ve done some research and most mood stabilizers cause weight gain.

Mainly, today I am trying to find anything I can about Topomax and/or other mood stabilizers that don’t cause weight gain. And, are there any readers in the Sacramento area that are in DBT who can help me find a good therapist and group.

Thanks everyone!