Update – feeling up!

I haven’t posted in awhile and I think it’s a good thing. I’ve been feeling better. I’m now on Latuda (mood stabilizer) and it seems to be helping – a lot. There haven’t been any flare ups of my rage for awhile now. Whew! I know they can come at any time though. I will enjoy this time as long as it lasts and hope that the medication will decrease the severity of my rants. I know it’s still with me and will always be. On FaceBook today, I came across this picture and it serves as a good reminder. 




I know I still have lots to learn … in time. 


Dwindling Supply

I’m down to just a few days of anti depressants left. I’ve only been taking them every other day for a month now – to make them last longer. And I’ve got about a month’s worth of mood stabilizers, now that I’ve cut my dose in half – again, to make them last longer. All this as the holidays are upon us. A time known to be difficult for stress, depression and anxiety, especially for those who struggle with those issues during on an ongoing basis.

I’ve tried to devise a scaffolding to help me through this. I’m also taking fish oil, a multivitamin and B complex. I’m striving for eight hours of sleep a night and some form of exercise, be it yoga, hiking or yard work, every day. I’ve made new friends and shared my struggles with a few who are supportive and open to talking/listening without judgement. I’m trying to meditate every day, but have succeeded in doing it 3-4 times a week.

But I’m scared. The slightest harsh word makes me want to hurt myself. I don’t know why. I’t’s like a whip lashing at me and I feel it tearing away at my insides. Hurting myself by my own cutting or burning pulls that away. I should be the one to punish me, hurt me. Maybe then the words of others won’t hurt so much. If I’m causing myself pain, I can increase it and it numbs what is coming at me from my environment.

The funny thing is, when I’m being hurt by others, they usually don’t even know they are doing it. Ha Ha. Joke’s on me. Sometimes dissociation seems like a good thing. A protective void. Feels like I’m invisible. Down a hole, looking up and watching the world while being unobserved. Or up a tree, hiding in the branches.

When I was a young teen, I used to wish I had been a feral child. Running wild with the wolves. Away from people. Animals were safe. True. You knew the rules. That’s never been the case with people. Even with myself.

My son tells me I alway change what I say. Maybe I say what I think I’m suppose to do, then my impulsivity and fear jump in and I react with a different answer.

I can already feel my fear increasing as my medication dwindles. Soon there will be none. The only thing I still have is Lorazapam. LOTS of those! But I’ve not been taking them because I’m afraid I’ll take too many and they can’t take the place of an antidepressant or mood stabilizer – Can they?

I haven’t been anxious for awhile … The doctor had me on them before the mood stabilizer. I didn’t seem to need them afterwards. But I kept them in case.

I just want to go to sleep through it all. The bad parts that is. But I’m the one who creates the bad parts for myself. If I’m asleep or no around, there are no bad parts. I am my enemy, my fear. I can’t escape me – ever!

My BPD is Rambling

From Roger Waters “The Wall” concert 6/2012 Chicago

I started today by catching up on reading a number of blogs that I follow. Several of them had to do with Thanksgiving, the upcoming holidays and the emotional turmoil that often accompanies them. Suddenly, my upcoming trip home for Christmas broke open a dam of fear and apprehension of how I will make it there and back unscathed by myself. I realized this as I commented on a post …  http://authorjaenwirefly.wordpress.com/2012/11/22/thanksgiving-borderline-style/  and found myself rambling all over the place.

Based on previous holidays, I panic, get swallowed up in anxiety, rage and can’t seem to enjoy a day for what it is – time with family.  I know that that is all that really matters. Everyone knows me well enough and is forgiving enough to just let me “be”, but I can’t seem to do that. I’m not ok with it.

My mind starts to run and can’t seem to stop. My coping skills leave a lot to be desired. Blogging has helped so I’ll probably be doing a bit more of it. I’m also going through a de-medicating period due to no insurance and a lack of believing that there is any value in me spending hundreds of dollars a month on medication for myself. I don’t feel like I’m worth it. So, I’m phasing out my anti-depressant and mood stabilizers. The anti-depressant is almost out. The mood stabilizer should last about another month. Any suggestions for holistic alternatives? I do have old antidepressant prescriptions, but am hesitant to use them because  I know I stopped using them for various reasons – even if I can’t remember the reasons. I don’t know why I still have them around … habitual holder onto of medications. I have a bin full of them. Probably not a good idea in and of itself even though medication hasn’t really been a way of self harm. I have misused and self medicated before. Here I go rambling. See what I mean? That’s what gets me into trouble. And it’s still four weeks until my trip. Yikes! What have I gotten myself into?!

Local warning signs

An Ahaaa moment that I’m not really comfortable with

I’m been off of work since the beginning of March because of stress and anxiety. Between everything that was going on there, everything with my parents, and everything with my own life and upcoming move … it was becoming too much for me to handle. Today I finally realized what all those activities where doing. They were distracting me from experiencing emotions; emotions that have I’ve been harboring for years in addition to emotion about everything that I’m dealing with now. And all of these emotions make me want to run and hide. I don’t like them and I don’t know what to do with them. My skin feels like it’s crawling all over and it’s hard to sit still for more than a few minutes. But then it’s hard to stay focused doing anything for more than a few minutes also. I keep drifting from task to task. Some of it meaningful, some pointless, some anxiety driven (like cutting my bangs shorter and shorter.) Our house has been gotten in order, so there’s not much that needs to be done on a daily basis, leaving me with time … time to feel these emotions. That’s becoming uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Does anyone else ever feel this way? If so, how do you deal with it? I’ve been wrapping up in a blanket on the couch, but it’s getting a little hot for that.



Anxiety (Photo credit: Alaina Abplanalp Photography)

Last night I met with my psychiatrist and discussed how things are going since going off of Lamotrigine (it had caused me to gain 25 pounds in 2 months and was starting to trigger eating disorder behaviors again) and switching to Topomax (the only mood stabilizer I could find that didn’t have weight gain as a side effect). Luckily, my doctor felt that it was a viable alternative and supported switching. I don’t know what I would have done if he had insisted I stay on the Lamotrigine because I don’t think I could have done that, yet I know I need a mood stabilizer. Now I’ve been on the Topomax for three weeks and haven’t gained any more weight – YEA!! One small victory. Now my dose is being increased a little and I’m taking something for anxiety so we’ll see if that helps. I have a feeling this may get worse before it gets better, what with our move almost 4 weeks away and then the whole settling in process. Creepy skin time settling in again.


Anxiety (Photo credit: Rima Xaros)