Mindfulness

I haven’t written for awhile now. I’m stuck. Trying counselling, but don’t know if it’s helping. I cry a lot – at the mention of my father, future losses, failures I think I’ve had with my son and husband. I cry because I can’t go back in time to change what I said or did. I cry because I’m afraid of what I’ve lost or might lose.  It’s oppressive at times.

The counselor tells me to keep practicing mindfulness, and that some of the things I share with her indicate that I am being mindful at times. She reminds me that I can’t change the past or predict the future. Bemoaning and anxiety. I keep trying. It is SO hard though. Emotions run amuck. Sensations of the walls of the past and future close in around me, leaving little room for mindfulness. The pressure of the past and future engulf me, causing me to panic and forget where I’m at. I suppose that as I practice being mindful, I should get stronger and be able to push the walls back into place. At least that’s what I think my counselor would say if I shared my analogy with her. Is the goal then to push them back until the room they shape (my life) is as large as possible?

Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

 

 

 

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Paralysis…

My husband and I have had some very difficult talks over the last few days. Our future together is very shaky. He needs some peace and stability in his life. For over 30 years, I’ve denied him that. And it’s improbable that I can ever give it to him. It is what it is, even as I try new meds and therapy (DBT, but one-on-one). A life-long fear may soon be realized. Alone. When I’m confronted with a situation that is so difficult and requires action on my part, I freeze – paralysis, and disassociate. Where tears or anger would be expected, I go cold and feel nothing. Or, I may act overly energetic, giddy. Inappropriate emotions for the situation. A facade to hide the fear.

The Bipolar Codex

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Agitated, churning, welling anger and frustration

I can feel it welling up inside. Frustrated about my job. Teacher’s aid, I take a group of upper elementary students (7) who are too disruptive to be in class during math, and try to do math with them in another room – where they are all disruptive. Often, several of them can’t handle that either and need to go to the office. Now being told that I can’t send them there but have to send them to the kindergarten room instead. Yesterday, one student told me about being punched in the eye before school. The other student bragged about it at lunch. I talked to the classroom teacher and learned that the director had asked the student to think about what punishment they should receive.  Even though the student handbook says this kind of physical conduct  means suspension from school.

What message does this send to other students? NO CONSISTENCY! No wonder there is no improvement in the behavior problems.

Two classrooms are working on a play they are putting on. There are many that can’t participate because of their behavior being so disruptive. Yet these same students are expected to sit quietly and watch while the other students rehearse. Anyone see problems occurring in this scenario? You bet!

There’s lots more, but this is enough. Now that I’ve spewed this out in writing, I’m hoping to start my work day a little less stressed.

Sorry to just have a venting post, but I needed to get it off my chest.

FOLLOW UP …

A better day at work today, but I find myself yelling at students. That’s not the way to handle things and I know it. But it shows how frustrated I’m feeling.

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Evaluated

Yesterday I had a psychiatric evaluation. the hard truth was put before me. Yet another specialist has confirmed my having BPD. It hasn’t gone away, and doesn’t look like it ever will. I feel depleted inside. Empty. For the most part, the last few months have been good. Better that it’s been for a long time. But just when I realize this, something triggers me and my anger. I’m feeling really sad about this. The mountain continues in front of me. Upward and onward.

bpd

bpd (Photo credit: Jackal1)

 

 

Screaming Inside or Should I Just Disappear

Floor Drain

Floor Drain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just want to disappear down the drain sometimes.

Screaming inside! I REALLY want to hurt myself right now- more than I have in a very long while. Instead, I cut branches off of trees, taking chances as to where and how I did it. But after over an hour of cutting branches, I still want to hurt myself.

I did do some cutting when I just took a shower. Nothing drastic, still  cutting though.

Why?????

Arguing with my 17 year old. Upcoming psychiatric evaluation. No luck in finding a job.

The pinched nerve in my elbow ( at least for the past 2 months) is bugging me and I really want to push it to the point of snapping. I want to take all kinds of physical chances withy body. Drugs, alcohol, physical risks. I want to shave all the hair off my head – just because and for something to be DRASTIC! I feel very passive aggressive . I took away my son’s iTouch and keep trying different pass codes to unlock it. I don’t really care if I do and would almost like for it to permanently be disabled. He keeps blaming me for everything that how’s wrong in his life, why not this too?

I REALLY want to cut myself. Maybe if I use the chainsaw, I’ll slip. I was away from home about a month+, and there was NO arguing here. As soon as I returned – bam it was back. It’s me, all me. I make home life miserable for all three of us. Even if they don’t say it, I’m sure Dave and Peter wish I wasn’t here. I always seem to find a way to make our relationships worse. For some reason, as soon as things seem good – I find a way to make them bad. Why the Hell am I like this????? Even if I say something with no animosity, the tension is still there.

They’d be better off without me. I mess up everything at home and I doubt either is ever happy to see me. I feel like I’m always trying to do something as a peace offering, to make amends – before I’ve even done anything.

I want to live a full life, but it often feels like the world would be better off without me.

Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Lately I’ve doubted myself a lot. Quite a lot. I’ve doubted my ability to be a decent wife and a competent mother. I’ve wondered if my husband and son would be better off if I left. All I seem to bring to our lives is chaos, anger and arguments. My emotions then plummet into turmoil and depression, self doubt, questioning any value I offer to anyone by my presence. I feel as if I make every day, every situation worse. I no longer know what to say or do that will have a positive effect for myself or those I care about, so I’m afraid of each interaction – no matter how small it may be.

Shambhala Card

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To overcome uncertainty is utterly good.

Commentary:Uncertainty here refers to doubting yourself or the existence of basic goodness. When you don’t punish or condemn yourself, when you relax and appreciate your body  and mind, you begin to contact basic goodness in yourself. So it is extremely important  to be willing to open yourself to  yourself.

As human beings, we have a working basis within us that allows us to uplift our state of existence and cheer up fully. Because we have a mind and body, we can comprehend this world. Existence is wonderful and precious. We don’ know how long we will live. While we have our life. why not make use of it? Before we even make use of it, why don’t we appreciate it?

Dear Almighty – Please help me to like transitions, especially this one called life!

After weeks of deep depression (those who read my blog know how I was struggling), I was reunited with my husband and a year of intense stress seemed to fall away. After reading the article I re-posted in my last post, and the reply to my comment I received, I was thinking that maybe most of the year had been an intense and long relapse. But it wasn’t because it had been building up for years. It was more of a culmination. Like a zit exploding. Slowly.

One thing I’ve know about myself my whole life is that I hate transitions. I guess that’s part of being impulsive. I don’t like the waiting, the journey, the process. Once I’ve decided, I want IT, I want it done, I want to be there, and so on. Transitions are difficult. No, not just difficult. They are downright hard at times. They offer up opportunities for change. If someone has said they will love you forever …. and they one day they say they don’t love you anymore – well, then, point proved. Transition. Over time (transition) they changed their mind. The same goes with saying they will be with you forever … You begin to see how people with such as myself, might have issues with transitions and the nuances of problems that can arise due to them.

Time is comprised of transitions. (That might even be something of it’s definition in a building block way.) But I get to bogged down in the enormity of it all if I try to dissect time and put it all back together, and that’s not the point of this particular post topic. If I want to stop the transition of time, I sit in my back yard garden where birds fly about, wind chime gently chime in the breeze the fountain gurgles, all seeming to bring time to a stand still in tranquility.

Zip back to my post title and the topic at hand … you all thought I was drifting off, I’ll bet! Anyways, long depression, anxiety, struggling with self harm, yadda yadda yadda … started to lift and feeling much better the last few weeks after reuniting with my husband and the sale of out old house 2,000 miles away and all together in our new house. New house, new state, new life? Then anxiety and depression, and even thinking (but not acting) about self harming started creeping back in very quickly over the last few days. Self doubt, fear of decisions and upcoming TRANSITIONS! Yesterday, I lay in bed thinking about it all and wondering about it all and how these behaviors and thoughts have been a prominent thread in the weaving of my life – probably more like the warp or weft of the weave that is the fabric of my life. Everything is built upon it. So, I thought back to how transitions have been the one thing I have always been aware of struggling with. Funny, that with all my behaviors I’ve never really been aware of what was consistent with them. My husband could have probably told you what would set me off, but I couldn’t. Forrest for the trees (sorry, I digress again!) All of a sudden it hit me that life was nothing but one long transition from birth to death. It’s a transition there is no way for me to impulsively avoid. Things WILL happen along the way. Some things I will influence, others, I will not. Much like when I decide to get up from my table here in my garden and return to my house. I can choose the time and the path, but there are rock and leaves in my path that I will step on that may cause me to slip. I didn’t put them there. I can scour the ground watching for them, but I will then not see the beauty of my garden and may even miss and walk into a low hanging branch. So I need to find balance enough to enjoy the transition back into my house.

Going back to work is a transition that is creating a lot of anxiety. I’ve always worked, though, being very high functioning and using work almost as a coping mechanism. Perhaps my anxiety means that I’m not quite ready to go back. I still need this recuperative time to find some internal peace, self soothing and care giving. The people closest to me have not been physical nurturers (huggers) and for some reason I’ve always craved physical touch. Maybe not my whole life. I don’t know. My first intimate relationship was very physical, but then he turned and was abusive. So something must be twisted up in there, confused in my mind. He fulfilled a need that no one else has, but then, abused me and there is a lot of shame and punishment connected with that. Mental moment. Bad transitional period into adulthood. So I punished myself.I’m trying to not punish myself now, but to let myself know when the time is right. It’s hard. waiting is a difficult transition.

Most transitions have been hard for me to handle. I’ve regretted the decisions I’ve made and felt ashamed of them, then tried to hide my poor judgement from others. I’ve tried to overcompensate by doing more than I was asked to so people wouldn’t notice how incompetent I was (shell game with my skills.) Or, I just plain wouldn’t make a decision so someone else would have to, and then I would suffer through the transition.

So here I am, realizing that life is one long transition comprised of a multitude of transitions. There’s no getting around them, under them, over them. I have to go THROUGH them. Even though I hate them. So please Almighty, help me to learn to like transitions (even a little) because live is a long one!