Been a LONG time since my last post …

It seems like forever since I’ve written. I haven’t really been gone, just doing more reading and feeling like I don’t have much to share – but that isn’t really the case! After a lot of interviewing, I was offered two different teaching positions. I accepted one and will be starting on August 11th. I’m excited and scared. I’ve not taught for two years and am now in a different state.

The school I’ll be at seems wonderful and my classroom is twice the size of my last one, and FILLED with supplies and teaching materials. Everyone I’ve talked to, at the school, has been wonderfully supportive and welcoming. This seems a wonderful opportunity to have a new start and to feel good about where I’m working and what I’m doing. I know there will be days of anxiousness when I’m unsure of myself. Being aware of that, I need to take a moment and reflect on my skills that have been proven in the past … I am a very good teacher! Especially with students who need special instruction.


 

Just some pictures I've taken over the years ...

Just some pictures I’ve taken over the years …

The sunset, seen through my window on the jet. Above the clouds. Is this where Heaven is, if there is a heaven?

The sunset, seen through my window on the jet. Above the clouds. Is this where Heaven is, if there is a heaven?

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Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

 

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Yes, that’s me – fighting off attackers during my black belt test.

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My son in the throes of childhood imagination!

I’m in the best place that I’ve been in for a long time (although some struggles persist.) There are several reasons for that, but I won’t go into them now. I’m just grateful for each day. I’m able to appreciate all that is happening around me and am working on changing some of my ingrained ways of thinking and perception. Many thanks to followers and readers of my posts who have provided support and insight to my struggles. You are all very appreciated. My posts will probably become more infrequent as my time is filled with work. But, that doesn’t mean I won’t be reading the posts of others.

I know this blog is always here for me to vent and question and reflect on the moments of my life. It has helped immensely. There will always be more to come along and share with you all.

Paralysis…

My husband and I have had some very difficult talks over the last few days. Our future together is very shaky. He needs some peace and stability in his life. For over 30 years, I’ve denied him that. And it’s improbable that I can ever give it to him. It is what it is, even as I try new meds and therapy (DBT, but one-on-one). A life-long fear may soon be realized. Alone. When I’m confronted with a situation that is so difficult and requires action on my part, I freeze – paralysis, and disassociate. Where tears or anger would be expected, I go cold and feel nothing. Or, I may act overly energetic, giddy. Inappropriate emotions for the situation. A facade to hide the fear.

The Bipolar Codex

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In Peace, He Passed

English: Photograph of a Monarch Butterfly.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My father passed away early this morning. It was peaceful and his family was with him as he went. I am so very grateful for all the support I’ve had from fellow bloggers as it helped me to be in a place where I can more steadily bear this loss. If it had bee a year ago, it would have been a very different story.

Thank you all.

 

Fear and Loathing

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The river of life

I’m not at home right now. I had to return to my parents’. My dad is failing – as in death. I fear his death. His body has gone through hell over the years and it is a miracle that he is still alive. I loath this whole situation. My mom needs me, though, and I am and will be here for her. I love them both very much. This is a difficult part of life. A part I’ve never dealt well with. Mortality. There’s no coming back once the line has been crossed. I’m glad I never crossed it during any of my struggles.

This situation has caused me to reflect on all of my suicidal ideation episodes. I feel horrible about the emotional pain I have put others through over the years. I feel very calm about where we are at with my dad. He seems to be at peace and all that is left is tiredness. The hourglass has almost emptied. I’m confused by my calmness. All of my BPD seems absent. Am I in shock? I just don’t know.

Loving Kindness Towards Oneself

I’d like to thank Jaen Wirefly for this post. Heartfelt thanks.

I’ve been posting about my weaning off of medications and how I’ve begun meditating. Jaen has offered a lot of support and encouraged me to watch some monk videos on YouTube ( http://www.youtube.com/user/BuddhistSocietyWA ) to help with stress. I subscribed to the page and scrolled through until I came upon one titled “Loving Kindness Towards Oneself.” As I began watching it, I started to cry, listening to the message.

Bhikkhuni Hasapanna talks about skillful ways to give loving kindness to oneself, in meditation and in practice, with many examples from her own life. Be an island, a refuge unto yourself. The teacher can only teach the way. Ultimately, we can only free ourselves.

For those of us with BPD, fear of abandonment is huge. We don’t want to be left by those we love. The lost child. This video helped me to understand that I need to unconditionally love myself. I am my priority. I want others to take care of me, to love me – because I don’t feel lovable and able to able to take care of myself. But I also know that I have the knowledge within me to go forward. I have the love already, because I know that I love others. I know how to take care of others, my family, my pets. For some reason I fear to depend on that love and knowledge for myself. When it comes down to it, I am all that I have every minute of the day from birth to death.

I’m tired of believing in and giving so much less to myself than I do to others. Maybe, just maybe, if I am kinder and more loving to myself I won’t be so upset and looking for it elsewhere in the world. Kind of sounds like the good witch Glenda’s advice to Dorothy at the end of the movie in “The Wizzard of Oz.”

I believe that as I continue with meditation I will find more of this. My body, my mind, my home, my island, my refuge. Peace.

Pouring out

This is how I feel inside as well as how it looks outside.

This is how I feel inside as well as how it looks outside. Nothing but rain and darkness. 

It’s been pouring out for the last few days. Today, even the dog is smart enough to not or eat or drink as much as usual so that she doesn’t have to go out in it to relieve herself – and she’s only 5 months old!

This morning, my emotions were pouring out also. I was just commenting that I haven’t fought with my 16 year old son for days (G*D, he’s as stubborn as I am!) The blame for moving him away from friends and his girlfriend (that he didn’t have when we decided to move, bought the house or for 9 months thereafter before the move!) – the guilt for causing (or feeling I do) such misery in my son – the lack of control as he grows up and ,ichmmmm, independent. I feel like I’m a horrible mother, I know I’m not but I feel like I am. But I do the best I can and I love him with all my heart!  So we fought/ argued. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and disappear, then cut, then burn and then throw myself through my bedroom window. I didn’t, but I wanted to, badly.

I feel like a black plague. Like slime oozing out and over everything in my path, turning sunshine into storms. I know this is not reality, but is psyche influencing the way I see my world and my interaction with it. I went back to bed thinking of pills, razors, burning and escaping emotional pain. What stops me? Would it make anything better for my son and husband? I don’t know. If I knew it would … but I don’t and so I’m still here and still hoping to make forward progress. Still hoping to find peace within myself. Still hoping that life can be lived full of joy – without self inflicting injuries to seal away outside pain, cauterizing my emotions.

Rodger Waters: The Wall

I don’t know how many of you are familiar with Rodger Waters (previously of Pink Floyd) and his epic piece The Wall that was originally produced and performed 33 years ago. Well, my husband, son and I are going to see him in Chicago in June. I just got done watching an interview with him on 60 Minutes and it reminded me of how powerful The Wall is. A childhood without a father, walls between relationships, desperateness. It will be a great show – and emotionally overwhelming. I know parts will hit very close to sensitive nerves.I may just wish to become … comfortably numb.

Cover of "Pink Floyd The Wall"

Roger Waters To Appear On 60 Minutes This Sunday (wncx.cbslocal.com) Cover of Pink Floyd The Wall

The last few days have been especially emotional for me as I deal with impending separation/loss of friends and family due to our move. Every bit of sadness seems to send me over the edge. Every disagreement spurs a rage in defense of a possible loss. Abandonment seems to surround me.  I’m afraid  to speak out. When I do, if there is disagreement, it rapidly escalates (by me). Last night, my husband went to help chaperone a party the neighbor boys were having for our son, knowing that if I did and anything needed an intervention I would over react. He did need to address a situation with a boy, and was able to do it. When he told me how it had evolved today, I realized how much I would have over reacted and probably ended the night for our son, instead of just the situation. Once I start going, I don’t seem to be able to rein it back in until the damage has been done. And I seem to have to shame others in it as well. That’s really shitty.

A metaphorical visualization of the word Anger.

A metaphorical visualization of the word Anger. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Tomorrow is the last day I will be seeing my psychologist before I move next month. She’s going into private practice (part time.) My anxiety is increasing as the move gets closer. I think that’s why the sad emotions are getting so out of whack. I don’t seem to be getting quite as angry, so that’s good.

I’ve been frustrated with my mom because she’s obviously having some difficulty with us moving, but trying to hide it. I’ve invited her over for coffee Tuesday morning. I’m going to attempt to (as another blogger said) use sand paper to pop a pimple. Hopefully, if it’s just the two of us, I can help her to actually open up and maybe cry with me about it. My mom has never been one to show her sadness. Maybe showing it together will bring us closer. I know I’m taking a BIG chance here, but I can’t leave without taking this chance. I don’t think it will hurt, and it might just help us both.