Email to a friend

I wrote an email to a blogging friend early this morning. Somehow, it turned into a post – so here it is with personal info about people deleted.

Hi, I haven’t read any posts this past week ( other than into paragraph ) but seems you’re in a bad spot. I wish there was something I could offer up to help. I think about you and your journey most every day- even if I’m not able to read your posts. You and Mxxxx.

Having a bit of anxiety myself now. Filling out paperwork for my son to have insurance, even though my husband and I don’t qualify. Something about a thick packet of paperwork puts me over the edge. Only 4 hours sleep because I didn’t take any kind of sedative. Actually got out my exacto knife and washed it in rubbing alcohol to sterilize it. Put it away. Getting anxious about psych appointment next week ( first in over a year +) to be evaluated (again!) for meds (and condition?) Anxious because the last few weeks have been not too bad. What does that mean for me? Better? Yeah, right … That I’m only that much closer to another episode? Probably. And that thought makes me want to isolate myself and turn everyone away. Sink inside. Depressed. But instead, I’ll put on the happy face and try to pretend the anxiety isn’t there. Until it explodes.

My husband thinks that any of my self harm is just for attention. How can that be if each incident is hidden from others? No, it’s not for attention at all. It takes me away from whatever is hurting. Like an escape hatch. The deeper the wound, the better the escape. Like Alice going down the rabbit hole perhaps. But the a new world of disoriented thinking begins.

I’m not needed by my family anymore. I watch their lives going on – completely independent of anything I can provide.

I realize I’m rambling here, and I’ve written more of a post than an email. Sorry about that. I’ve been awake since 2:30 a.m. And feel it. Yet each time that I’ve tried to go back to sleep, I find myself fully awake as soon as my head hits the pillow.
I hate taking sedatives. It’s easy to want to take more than I need so that I stay asleep.

I might as well copy and paste this as a post, since it’s where I’m at this morning.
Writing this on my phone, just noticed my signature says “Visualize”. I think that’s part of my problem. I visualize too much.

Take care, please! I’ll catch up on your posts this weekend.


Random Ramblings about my BPD

Bringing some of my blog title into a post …

Finding myself scratching my leg, and then i keep on scratching. There is not itch. 

Fighting to make my smile reach up and into my eyes.

Happily watching my dog, Chi, playful at last – after a month and a half recovery from ????

Fearful of words left unspoken. 

Wanting to take anxiety pills and alcohol and sleep, sleep, sleep.

Grateful the weekend is here and I don’t have to go to work. I want to work, but it brings up SO much. 

Cloudy thinking. Cloudy feeling. I don’t know what I want. 

I know I’ll be alone some day. When, I don’t know. It takes me into disassociation.

It is what it is. My own doing? Inevitable. 


Better Day

Ok, I know my last  post was on a bad day. I took 3 sleeping pills (2 and then a 3rd an hour later) and also had a strong drink and slept most of the day between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. Got into a big fight with my son and then cut. Poor choices all around. I’ve been really trying to find work, and to get help with health insurance. I guess it’s stressing me a bit.

Sleeping Pills

Sleeping Pills (Photo credit: A.Currell)

I just want everyone to know that today was much better, though not what I’d call a great day. But I have to recognize and appreciate these days so I can see that it isn’t all out of control.

Faster than a speeding bullet – or the rebound of Forest Gump’s ping pong ball

A typical CPAP mask. The opening goes over the...UGGGGGGHHHHH! I had a whole post typed out and something happened and it’s gone except for this friggin picture and the caption below. F*%&K! I want to throw my laptop across the room.

I feel like I’m trapped in my mask sometimes. And I have to wear it every night for the rest of my life. My airway is too narrow. At least I don’t keep my husband and son awake anymore. Sometimes my  anxiety makes me feel trapped in it and I want to cut off all of my hair.

OK I’ll try again. My BPD is acting up again. I want to write but can’t replicate what Id written and lost earlier. I talked myself down (up?) from some low points, but I’m still feeling strangled. I may come back to edit this post again later. Stop back in. I’m the ping pong ball traveling faster than a speeding bullet though. Last night, I was on the brink. Strangled by anxiety and emotions. Pills I haven’t used in a long time were called upon to help me sleep, I didn’t like that, but I need to sleep. Right?

Anxiety attack!

Found out today that I don’t own my c-pap machine (that I had to start using in May). Now I can’t find my paperwork. Lost in the move? Thrown away? I was out of it with BPD stuff when I sas diagnosed with sleep apnea and put on the c-pap and it all explained. Now I’m scrambling to find the information and who to call and figure out how much I owe. I know I’ll get through it though. Just need to slow down and breathe. In that respect, I’m much better off than I was a few months ago.

Feelin Kinda Jumpy

Sleep mode.

Sleep mode. (Photo credit: LeeLeFever)

I’m still kind of sick, groggy in the head and whooshy in my thinking. But coming out of it. I decided to stretch out on the couch for a bit this afternoon, just to relax. Before too long, my lets got that jumpy, restless leg feeling. More than restless though. They literally were stomping,  kicking each other and the couch. I was hard put on what to do and almost ended up getting up and cutting my bangs again (like I did twice last week). I  was  in a half wake half sleep mode when this feeling came across me. Does anyone else ever have this sensation?How do you handle it? It seems just shy of having a seizure, but not having a seizure. It is a feeling that could easily lead to self harm. It demands action take place. For now, I was able to get  up and move around.

Ugh,  I just want to sleep and avoid everything tonight. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find out about qualifying for long term disability or not. I don’t know what I’ll do if I don’t qualify. Back to the drawing board. We’re not having much luck selling our house either. Two weeks until I move. Empty.

How did I Mess THIS Up?

I feel like the ashamed me in first grade who though the teacher was yelling at her to stay after school, so stayed and sat … And sat … Until questioned. Only to find out the teacher had been yelling at the student behind me. But i was too ashamed to ask why or if i was the one required to stay after school.

How do I do these things? I had a sleep study scheduled for the 29th which is today. Right? WRONG again! It’s next Sunday. Only I, in my messed up way of looking at everything, show up tonight and am nowhere to be found on the schedule. I’m adamant that tonight is the night. The receptionist starts making calls and I’m in tears. I’m finally called up, only to find out that I am on the schedule – for next Sunday. I feel like such a fool! This type of thing happens so often with me that it’s not funny. Usually it is a small thing, but for some reason it put me over the edge tonight and I can’t stop crying. Lost in space, confused, unaware of time. And today had been a good day. Now I have to go home and face Dave and Peter. I feel irresponsible for not figuring it out. I knew it was for the 29th and I know this Tuesday is the 24th. So what was my problem???? I feel ashamed and stupid.

I feel like I don’t measure up to what others expect of me.