Preparing for the rest of my assessment

I just go home from work (I’ve been working for a month now) and have the rest of my assessment by the county clinician this afternoon. A lot of anxiety and depression has surfaced since I returned to work. It’s a simple job, yet I don’t feel I’m doing very well. Constantly being “corrected” it seems, though probably not as often as it feels. I feel like I’m losing what spark I had in me. Falling flat. I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t always be UP if I’m to work on this. Without therapy, I ignore my illness while it’s behaving itself and staying hidden, not abusing myself or exploding at others. That hasn’t worked. So, I have to live with all the emotions right at the surface, staying there because I’m trying to do something about them. Without hurting myself. I really want to self medicate right now. Stuff it all down under numbness. So much pretending that my life is ok! It’s exhausting! My life is filled with blessings in the people who care about me. But I still fall apart at the slightest conflict. I feel very incapable. Feeling sad, scared and frustrated.

Gooood Day!

When my son  was young, life was always an adventure!

When my son was young, life was always an adventure!

I know my last few posts have focussed on stress I’ve felt lately, possibly due to starting a new job. But today I feel good! I just spent an hour reading blogs that I follow, and found many of them helped me to feel more positive, especially http://gentleperseverence.wordpress.com/Her post today was about getting onto a different footing,  and also Life After BPDhttp://mybpdstory.wordpress.com/2013/08/09/progress-on-feelings/ and how she made great progress in communicating/reacting with her husband. I gained a lot from these postings! I hope to be able to take the information and incorporate it into my own life.

Gentle Perseverence (Gel) was having a down day, yet managed to be kind to herself and took several steps that helped her feel better about where she was at and what she was able to do – without succumbing to unhealthy coping habits.

In Life After BPD, the author speaks to her relationship with her husband and how they were able to talk about how she was reacting to arguments (BPD-wise) and what could be different.

I’m going to try and learn from them both. Reading the different blogs, this morning, gave me a feeling of hope. It is making for a good day!

Visuals

I want to write a post, but my mind is a blank. I’ve been working in my garden a lot, which is very therapeutic for the mind! I think I finally have it all planted and now the tending is to help everything grow. It’s somewhat of a zen garden. There are a few herbs and a cherry tomato plant. Other than that, there are roses (although I’m having trouble getting them to bloom), many different perennials for sun and shade, a slope of succulents, a fig tree, peach tree, Rose of Sharon, tons of rosemary … and a small zen fountain. So rather than write, I’ve decided to share some pictures. Mentally, I’m very good today and grateful for the friends I have and the support and love they have for me (and I for them.)

zen fountain in my garden

zen fountain in my garden

another angle

 

 

 

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Feelings are the Voice of my Nature

As I read this I thought about BPD. If a feeling is the voice of nature inside you, is it always storming? I believe what it says, and it says a lot about my own nature if it is true. I don’t know, but this simple post and statement has given me a lot to think about. I’m interested in what others think of it. Please share your thoughts with me.

Pleiades513

“A feeling is the voice of the nature inside you.
Preventing your feelings makes you deny your own nature.”

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Devoid

I think it’s progress, but I feel like I’m devoid of emotions right now.

Lately I’ve been arguing, nay, fighting with my son a lot. He’s 16. That’s his excuse. What’s mine? I fall into it every time. My friend tells me to just say “f#ck it” and let him figure out life and learn from his mistakes by himself. I obviously have a hard time doing that. And then my emotional rawness falls apart and I disintegrate to despair and barely eluding self harm. I’ve even considered self harm as a way to prevent myself from falling into these fights. HA! Like that would ever work!

I do think I need to reconsider my friend’s advice though. It may be a way for me to not take EVERYTHING upon myself as either a problem I need to solve for myself or anyone else, or a responsibility that I can pass on. I have a tendency to over join because I’m afraid people won’t like me if I don’t. After reading the blog post by Kathy that I reported about what other people think about me being none of my business, I think that restraining from offering myself and services 100% of the time is something I need to cut back on. I need to save some of me for taking care of myself.

I’m enjoying my yoga class and finding it much more challenging than do at home by yourself videos! I’m also listening to, and trying to do, some meditations. They are a bit harder as my mind has to be constantly pulled back. It does feel good when I do them though; very calming.

zen fountain in my garden

Right now, I’m sitting in my car outside a tiny restaurant in a tiny old gold mining town in California while my son’s school band plays inside. He doesn’t want me in there watching with other parents, or anywhere I can be seen. On some days, this would crush me to tears.

Tonight I am devoid of emotions. I wonder why?

Progress?

 

Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Lately I’ve doubted myself a lot. Quite a lot. I’ve doubted my ability to be a decent wife and a competent mother. I’ve wondered if my husband and son would be better off if I left. All I seem to bring to our lives is chaos, anger and arguments. My emotions then plummet into turmoil and depression, self doubt, questioning any value I offer to anyone by my presence. I feel as if I make every day, every situation worse. I no longer know what to say or do that will have a positive effect for myself or those I care about, so I’m afraid of each interaction – no matter how small it may be.

Shambhala Card

#5

To overcome uncertainty is utterly good.

Commentary:Uncertainty here refers to doubting yourself or the existence of basic goodness. When you don’t punish or condemn yourself, when you relax and appreciate your body  and mind, you begin to contact basic goodness in yourself. So it is extremely important  to be willing to open yourself to  yourself.

As human beings, we have a working basis within us that allows us to uplift our state of existence and cheer up fully. Because we have a mind and body, we can comprehend this world. Existence is wonderful and precious. We don’ know how long we will live. While we have our life. why not make use of it? Before we even make use of it, why don’t we appreciate it?

Closed Doors

Here is an attempt to write,  jogged by a post by Jensinewell “Walking Through Doors” and how we often forget what we were looking for once we have changed environments. My comment to her post was that I have to stop walking through doors because I can’t remember anything. She suggested staying in one room to see if my memory improved, but which room?

The Memory Room

My mind is full of memories:

heartwarming, heartbreaking

lessons learned, taught, memorized, forgotten.

Snapshots of my childhood

reality or stories told too often?

Years pass and memories layer like shingles on a roof.

Protection that gets added to, even as it decays over time.

Corners chip, debris erodes, layers  buried.

Some are lost in storms, unnoticed for the moment, ’til needed.

A damaged section causes grief and needs attending to.

But where is it?

That Memory, that shingle

that has been

damaged,

forgotten?

The Memory  Room is there to fill in all the gaps;

from the grocery item you didn’t write down,

and forgot as soon as you walked out of the house,

to the exam question that  you studied so hard for,

and lost the answer to as soon as you started the exam.

When  list making or studying is done in the Memory Room,

those memories are never forgotten.

They are written write into your long term memory

as if they were your genetic makeup.

So take care what you choose to learn in there!

But there is yet a deeper side to the Memory Room

for memories of the past.

Sit in the room and be still, but not alone,

and all of your past will come back to you –

you cannot pick and choose.

Oh, that you could.

For that is what I fear –

that there will be something

I don’t want to see,

or possible worse,

nothing at all.

What then?

New Post

I really feel I should be writing a new post by now, but I’ve been too depressed. I’m working on a poem/piece of writing about a room that helps you recover memories, but it’s not done. I’m trying to keep up with everyone’s blogs as best I can. It helps to read them. I’ve things I want to say, but don’t want to keep being a downer. It’s frustrating that this disorder that was suppose to dissipate in my 40’s has not only NOT done that, but has flared up and gotten worse than it’s been in years. There’s things I’m afraid to say to anyone, here or off the internet. So they stay in my head.

Awful

Today is one of those days when I feel just awful. After arguing with my son (teenager) I really wanted to cut, no, stab. For some reason that’s been the urge lately. Why do I want to stab? Maybe because it would be like hitting myself. I held off. I removed myself and drove down an unknown road up the mountain a ways. That was kind of scary when I realized I didn’t have my phone. When I got home, I told him we’d both been acting like jerks. We had been. But I still feel awful. I hope I can eventually get to a point where I’m not such an ass to be around, and don’t bring out so much of it as people respond to me. I know that’s assuming a lot of control over others’ actions, but I’m just looking at their interactions with me. Because, after all, most people are pretty decent, and life is a wondrous experience that I am actually in awe of and pissed that I’m missing out on so much, so let’s get on with it!

Sometimes I hate myself so much though. Tonight is one of those nights. I hope I can make it through without harming myself. The rugs is high. But I’m so sad that my energy is very low. I just want to melt away for the night and hope tomorrow is better.

I made it! Thanks to Angry Birds on my iPhone. Off to sleep.