Preparing for the rest of my assessment

I just go home from work (I’ve been working for a month now) and have the rest of my assessment by the county clinician this afternoon. A lot of anxiety and depression has surfaced since I returned to work. It’s a simple job, yet I don’t feel I’m doing very well. Constantly being “corrected” it seems, though probably not as often as it feels. I feel like I’m losing what spark I had in me. Falling flat. I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t always be UP if I’m to work on this. Without therapy, I ignore my illness while it’s behaving itself and staying hidden, not abusing myself or exploding at others. That hasn’t worked. So, I have to live with all the emotions right at the surface, staying there because I’m trying to do something about them. Without hurting myself. I really want to self medicate right now. Stuff it all down under numbness. So much pretending that my life is ok! It’s exhausting! My life is filled with blessings in the people who care about me. But I still fall apart at the slightest conflict. I feel very incapable. Feeling sad, scared and frustrated.

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Gooood Day!

When my son  was young, life was always an adventure!

When my son was young, life was always an adventure!

I know my last few posts have focussed on stress I’ve felt lately, possibly due to starting a new job. But today I feel good! I just spent an hour reading blogs that I follow, and found many of them helped me to feel more positive, especially http://gentleperseverence.wordpress.com/Her post today was about getting onto a different footing,  and also Life After BPDhttp://mybpdstory.wordpress.com/2013/08/09/progress-on-feelings/ and how she made great progress in communicating/reacting with her husband. I gained a lot from these postings! I hope to be able to take the information and incorporate it into my own life.

Gentle Perseverence (Gel) was having a down day, yet managed to be kind to herself and took several steps that helped her feel better about where she was at and what she was able to do – without succumbing to unhealthy coping habits.

In Life After BPD, the author speaks to her relationship with her husband and how they were able to talk about how she was reacting to arguments (BPD-wise) and what could be different.

I’m going to try and learn from them both. Reading the different blogs, this morning, gave me a feeling of hope. It is making for a good day!

Visuals

I want to write a post, but my mind is a blank. I’ve been working in my garden a lot, which is very therapeutic for the mind! I think I finally have it all planted and now the tending is to help everything grow. It’s somewhat of a zen garden. There are a few herbs and a cherry tomato plant. Other than that, there are roses (although I’m having trouble getting them to bloom), many different perennials for sun and shade, a slope of succulents, a fig tree, peach tree, Rose of Sharon, tons of rosemary … and a small zen fountain. So rather than write, I’ve decided to share some pictures. Mentally, I’m very good today and grateful for the friends I have and the support and love they have for me (and I for them.)

zen fountain in my garden

zen fountain in my garden

another angle

 

 

 

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Feelings are the Voice of my Nature

As I read this I thought about BPD. If a feeling is the voice of nature inside you, is it always storming? I believe what it says, and it says a lot about my own nature if it is true. I don’t know, but this simple post and statement has given me a lot to think about. I’m interested in what others think of it. Please share your thoughts with me.

Pleiades513

“A feeling is the voice of the nature inside you.
Preventing your feelings makes you deny your own nature.”

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Devoid

I think it’s progress, but I feel like I’m devoid of emotions right now.

Lately I’ve been arguing, nay, fighting with my son a lot. He’s 16. That’s his excuse. What’s mine? I fall into it every time. My friend tells me to just say “f#ck it” and let him figure out life and learn from his mistakes by himself. I obviously have a hard time doing that. And then my emotional rawness falls apart and I disintegrate to despair and barely eluding self harm. I’ve even considered self harm as a way to prevent myself from falling into these fights. HA! Like that would ever work!

I do think I need to reconsider my friend’s advice though. It may be a way for me to not take EVERYTHING upon myself as either a problem I need to solve for myself or anyone else, or a responsibility that I can pass on. I have a tendency to over join because I’m afraid people won’t like me if I don’t. After reading the blog post by Kathy that I reported about what other people think about me being none of my business, I think that restraining from offering myself and services 100% of the time is something I need to cut back on. I need to save some of me for taking care of myself.

I’m enjoying my yoga class and finding it much more challenging than do at home by yourself videos! I’m also listening to, and trying to do, some meditations. They are a bit harder as my mind has to be constantly pulled back. It does feel good when I do them though; very calming.

zen fountain in my garden

Right now, I’m sitting in my car outside a tiny restaurant in a tiny old gold mining town in California while my son’s school band plays inside. He doesn’t want me in there watching with other parents, or anywhere I can be seen. On some days, this would crush me to tears.

Tonight I am devoid of emotions. I wonder why?

Progress?

 

Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Lately I’ve doubted myself a lot. Quite a lot. I’ve doubted my ability to be a decent wife and a competent mother. I’ve wondered if my husband and son would be better off if I left. All I seem to bring to our lives is chaos, anger and arguments. My emotions then plummet into turmoil and depression, self doubt, questioning any value I offer to anyone by my presence. I feel as if I make every day, every situation worse. I no longer know what to say or do that will have a positive effect for myself or those I care about, so I’m afraid of each interaction – no matter how small it may be.

Shambhala Card

#5

To overcome uncertainty is utterly good.

Commentary:Uncertainty here refers to doubting yourself or the existence of basic goodness. When you don’t punish or condemn yourself, when you relax and appreciate your body  and mind, you begin to contact basic goodness in yourself. So it is extremely important  to be willing to open yourself to  yourself.

As human beings, we have a working basis within us that allows us to uplift our state of existence and cheer up fully. Because we have a mind and body, we can comprehend this world. Existence is wonderful and precious. We don’ know how long we will live. While we have our life. why not make use of it? Before we even make use of it, why don’t we appreciate it?