Feeling it coming on …

My week has been going well, until I opened the mail this afternoon. There was a letter from the state health insurance that my son has – saying he doesn’t qualify for the program. WTF!!! He qualifies as a minor, while we don’t have health insurance. I made phone calls and left messages and now have to wait until a county worker has time to call me back and explain what’s going on. I’m sure it’ll all be righted by the time we’re done. 

As I’m going through this process, I can feel things changing inside me. Frustration and aggravation are mounting, waiting for an incident to tip the scales into an episode. It scares me to feel this. I don’t usually recognize when “the change” is happening, but today I do.  I’m hoping that recognizing it will help me quell the eruption. I don’t want Kilimanjaro to explode.

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Better Day

Ok, I know my last  post was on a bad day. I took 3 sleeping pills (2 and then a 3rd an hour later) and also had a strong drink and slept most of the day between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. Got into a big fight with my son and then cut. Poor choices all around. I’ve been really trying to find work, and to get help with health insurance. I guess it’s stressing me a bit.

Sleeping Pills

Sleeping Pills (Photo credit: A.Currell)

I just want everyone to know that today was much better, though not what I’d call a great day. But I have to recognize and appreciate these days so I can see that it isn’t all out of control.

Searching for a Job

 

Job Search Tools

Job Search Tools (Photo credit: TimsStrategy)

 

Like it or not, ready or not, I said I would start looking for a job after the holidays – and I have. I’ve applied for two professional positions for which I am qualified, though I’ve not done the specific job before. One brought no response. The other was quickly turned down. I applied for a part time position at a national chain pet supply store last night. WAY over qualified, but it would be something. And has insurance. It was quite a long application and I had to do an online assessment, afterwards, that had 89 questions and was timed per each response – though you didn’t know the time. There were tons of questions about customer service, how you react to stressful situations and integrity situations. I tried to answer quickly and honestly. We’ll see. This week I also plan on transferring my teaching credentials. Then what? What do I do if I’m called? How will I be?

 

Ready or not, here I come.

 

Hesitatingly Calm

Eye of the storm

Eye of the storm (Photo credit: Aquila)

The last few days have found me feeling calmer. I’ve actually stopped and TRIED to feel what’s going on  inside. I can’t. There’s little there. It’s a great relief after the anxiety of the holidays and my wanting to cut. This calm happens periodically, and I never  know how long it will last. Is it the calm before the storm? The calm that is actually the eye of the storm? I don’t know, except that it will end at some point. There hasn’t been much conflict in the last few days. I approached my vet’s office about volunteering, but they don’t need anyone now.

English: Calm before the storm A cumulonimbus ...

English: Calm before the storm A cumulonimbus developing its anvil head as it approaches Balmonth reservoir. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I decided to look into transferring my teaching credential to California in the coming week, and I am anxious about that. If they are in order, I’ll be able to apply for a license here. If not, I don’t know if I will take classes for what I might need. If I am able to get my California license, gulp, a different story might unfold. I’ve told myself and my husband that I would start looking for a job. I need the insurance. But I’m extremely worried about job stress and full blown relapse beyond just wanting to self harm. If I can’t get my license here, then I need to look at other jobs. I’ve always pushed myself SO hard at work that I feel like a loser if I have all this education and experience and then take a job at a pet store or grocery store. The only thing I know will happen – for sure – is that eventually the storm will come again. It might be today, tomorrow, next week, month or later. But it will return. It always has, making it hard for  us (myself and my family) to enjoy the current peace. But I’m trying to. It means not saying much,  because then I disagree/argue and rages get triggered. I kind of lose my identity even more when trying to remain calm. Say nothing, do nothing … but calm is needed when it can be found, for the storm will rage like a hurricane and shatter all in its path.

Anxiety attack!

Found out today that I don’t own my c-pap machine (that I had to start using in May). Now I can’t find my paperwork. Lost in the move? Thrown away? I was out of it with BPD stuff when I sas diagnosed with sleep apnea and put on the c-pap and it all explained. Now I’m scrambling to find the information and who to call and figure out how much I owe. I know I’ll get through it though. Just need to slow down and breathe. In that respect, I’m much better off than I was a few months ago.

Fail and Burn

Master Lock

Master Lock (Photo credit: Pinachina)

I didn’t cut, but I didn’t make it. My son went to watch a movie and I was home alone, at a time I would usually be going to bed. But I couldn’t because I was going to have to go pick him up in a couple of hours. I really struggled. I looked around for something to cut with, but there was nothing but a dull pocket knife and a duller paring knife. All I really wanted was some small wound I could rub during my anxious moment (ummm, all day) like a worry doll. So I ended up burning the back of my neck because that is where I tend to rub anyways. Too much thought? I tend to think too much. First, blown out matches, then, a heated up heavy duty master lock because it really held the heat. The matches didn’t. I blew them out because I didn’t want my hair to catch on fire. I self harm, but I’m not suicidal. I do want to find a way out of this and be around to see the beauty of life and the world, my son as a man, and maybe a husband and father. There are many things I’d like to do that won’t happen if I’m dead. My self harm is coping, diversionary and a release for anxiety and anger, frustration and sadness. Sometimes, it’s even when I’m happy or excited. Go figure?

I’m getting more anxious about a new therapist. And wondering if DBT is the right kind of therapy for me. Research time. And I had a conversation with my old psychiatrist yesterday that really made me rethink my first impression of him. When I first me him, I left the session and sent emails to my GP and psychologist saying I refused to work with him, he didn’t seem to know anything bla bla bla (black and white thinking). Well, as I talked to him yesterday, he told me that he called my insurance company and talked directly to the doctor who decides on if you will be granted disability or not. That doctor had decided basically not to give it to me because of my move – not based on my psychological condition. So when my doc (Dr H) called, and it turned out actually knew him, he really advocated for me based on my condition. It doesn’t matter where I’m living, I’m not in any condition to be teaching right now. I have a disability. When I am able to teach, I will be released back to work by me current doctor. So, he’s fairly confident that the disability will be approved for now. It was only to be through the remainder of the school year (early June) and not permanent, but I know insurance companies have to try and avoid all costs. My main thought here is that Dr H really changed in my eyes. He’s still a little soft spoken, but I think he’s on my side and that’s what matters.

Hoping for a harm free day. No promises, but I think I’ll be with my son all day so that should help.