Agitated, churning, welling anger and frustration

I can feel it welling up inside. Frustrated about my job. Teacher’s aid, I take a group of upper elementary students (7) who are too disruptive to be in class during math, and try to do math with them in another room – where they are all disruptive. Often, several of them can’t handle that either and need to go to the office. Now being told that I can’t send them there but have to send them to the kindergarten room instead. Yesterday, one student told me about being punched in the eye before school. The other student bragged about it at lunch. I talked to the classroom teacher and learned that the director had asked the student to think about what punishment they should receive.  Even though the student handbook says this kind of physical conduct  means suspension from school.

What message does this send to other students? NO CONSISTENCY! No wonder there is no improvement in the behavior problems.

Two classrooms are working on a play they are putting on. There are many that can’t participate because of their behavior being so disruptive. Yet these same students are expected to sit quietly and watch while the other students rehearse. Anyone see problems occurring in this scenario? You bet!

There’s lots more, but this is enough. Now that I’ve spewed this out in writing, I’m hoping to start my work day a little less stressed.

Sorry to just have a venting post, but I needed to get it off my chest.

FOLLOW UP …

A better day at work today, but I find myself yelling at students. That’s not the way to handle things and I know it. But it shows how frustrated I’m feeling.

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Feeling it coming on …

My week has been going well, until I opened the mail this afternoon. There was a letter from the state health insurance that my son has – saying he doesn’t qualify for the program. WTF!!! He qualifies as a minor, while we don’t have health insurance. I made phone calls and left messages and now have to wait until a county worker has time to call me back and explain what’s going on. I’m sure it’ll all be righted by the time we’re done. 

As I’m going through this process, I can feel things changing inside me. Frustration and aggravation are mounting, waiting for an incident to tip the scales into an episode. It scares me to feel this. I don’t usually recognize when “the change” is happening, but today I do.  I’m hoping that recognizing it will help me quell the eruption. I don’t want Kilimanjaro to explode.

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Preparing for the rest of my assessment

I just go home from work (I’ve been working for a month now) and have the rest of my assessment by the county clinician this afternoon. A lot of anxiety and depression has surfaced since I returned to work. It’s a simple job, yet I don’t feel I’m doing very well. Constantly being “corrected” it seems, though probably not as often as it feels. I feel like I’m losing what spark I had in me. Falling flat. I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t always be UP if I’m to work on this. Without therapy, I ignore my illness while it’s behaving itself and staying hidden, not abusing myself or exploding at others. That hasn’t worked. So, I have to live with all the emotions right at the surface, staying there because I’m trying to do something about them. Without hurting myself. I really want to self medicate right now. Stuff it all down under numbness. So much pretending that my life is ok! It’s exhausting! My life is filled with blessings in the people who care about me. But I still fall apart at the slightest conflict. I feel very incapable. Feeling sad, scared and frustrated.

Anxiety attack!

Found out today that I don’t own my c-pap machine (that I had to start using in May). Now I can’t find my paperwork. Lost in the move? Thrown away? I was out of it with BPD stuff when I sas diagnosed with sleep apnea and put on the c-pap and it all explained. Now I’m scrambling to find the information and who to call and figure out how much I owe. I know I’ll get through it though. Just need to slow down and breathe. In that respect, I’m much better off than I was a few months ago.

Awful

Today is one of those days when I feel just awful. After arguing with my son (teenager) I really wanted to cut, no, stab. For some reason that’s been the urge lately. Why do I want to stab? Maybe because it would be like hitting myself. I held off. I removed myself and drove down an unknown road up the mountain a ways. That was kind of scary when I realized I didn’t have my phone. When I got home, I told him we’d both been acting like jerks. We had been. But I still feel awful. I hope I can eventually get to a point where I’m not such an ass to be around, and don’t bring out so much of it as people respond to me. I know that’s assuming a lot of control over others’ actions, but I’m just looking at their interactions with me. Because, after all, most people are pretty decent, and life is a wondrous experience that I am actually in awe of and pissed that I’m missing out on so much, so let’s get on with it!

Sometimes I hate myself so much though. Tonight is one of those nights. I hope I can make it through without harming myself. The rugs is high. But I’m so sad that my energy is very low. I just want to melt away for the night and hope tomorrow is better.

I made it! Thanks to Angry Birds on my iPhone. Off to sleep.