New and newer

So … new insurance means finding a new person to handle meds. Met with that person yesterday. Oh, and yesterday kind of s#cked. Made several professional mistakes that I could be called to task on and/or written up for. Trying to stay on top of too many things at once and that means making mistakes. On to the new prescriber, a psychiatric nurse practitioner. After spending over an hour with her, she’s decided to double the amount of Zoloft (generic version) from 50 to 100 mg. I knew the 50 mg was low, but it was mainly to stop the crying. And she’s also increasing my Lamictal from 200 to 300 mg. She says that’s the most that should be taken before its effectiveness decreased. She wanted me to take the rest of the week off of work but I refused to. Conferences and assessments to be done. Next week is a vacation week, so that should help. As always happens, she wanted me to assure her that if I felt like hurting myself, I would call 911. I said I wouldn’t do that. Would I call her? I said, “honestly, no.” Heer response was the expected, “if you can’t do that, then I need to hospitalize you.” My response, “I have no desire to kill myself, but I can’t say I won’t hurt myself.” I’d told her that my self harming had gone from the more obvious cutting and burning to the non-visible purging. Even though it is not a good thing. This seemed more satisfactory to her and she let me go at that. I’ve never wanted to kill myself. There are too many things in life I want to see .. like grandchildren someday, my family, the world, what happens in life! Sometimes I just don’t want to hurt so much. It’s not even all the time, just when things happen. I just want to feel ok with myself and not so volatile or sensitive to everything. The roller coaster has NEVER been a ride I enjoyed ( real or metaphorically speaking.) And it’s not too thrilling for others on the ride with me either, ie my husband and family.

We’ll see how it goes. Today, I’m feeling better – but that’s also how it seems to go. I really would like to be ok with myself some day. From what I hear, I’m a pretty decent person.

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Long Week and Feeling the Stress

The first trimester of school is almost over. I can’t believe we’re a third of the way through the school year already! I still don’t feel like I’m on firm ground, there’s so much to do and to get used to. On top of lots of assessments of students, meetings, teaching … I’m exhausted and typically spend ten hours a day at school. And, I’m not¬†sleeping very well, unless I take three different things to help me get to sleep.

This week has been especially stressful. There’s been a lot of anxiety. My first meeting of the week went well on Monday. I had another on Wednesday that wasn’t so good. I was nervous and the computer program/site that we process our paperwork on wasn’t working correctly and really messed up my report. Can’t blame it … that’s just what happens sometimes. But, because I’m new there and feeling unsure about teaching after 2.5 years away from it, the way that meeting went felt horrible. One of the other specialists saw me later in the day and could tell how much I’m struggling. She was very supportive and tried to help me feel more secure in what I do. I am very lucky to work with people like her!

Yesterday was going pretty well, until a student in my room had an absentee seizure. It wasn’t stopping, nurse was there, 911 called … I think he’s ok though. ūüôā

Today was crazy, crazy! We had a fire drill and evacuation drill first thing. Got back to school and was able to work with two classes before lunch. Just as lunch was ending. we found out there was a gunman incident happening in town and the whole school district went into lockdown mode. For three hours! Everything at school was ok. Unfortunately, two police officers were killed and another injured.

On top of all this going on, I’m struggling with finding a new doctor to prescribe my medications. I think I need to see a general practitioner first. I only have about a month of meds left, so it’s a time issue. I’m on new insurance, so everything has to switch. I’ve been working on it, but seem to call after business hours. That’s on me – to find the time and remember to call when someone is available to take my call.

Please understand, I’m not complaining and I hope it doesn’t come across as if I am. It’s just been a difficult transition and I am struggling with it. Unfortunately, the stress has triggered my bulimia and I’m using that to cope more often. Not a good plan! I feel the decades of it in my chest whenever I do purge. I started writing this post because I’m feeling very full from the pot pie I had for supper. I really wanted to purge, but didn’t. I hate that full feeling. At least it’s good that my meds have my BPD well in check!

Thanks for reading through my ramblings.

Feeling discouraged and hopeless

So I’ve gotten a part time job as a teacher aide, when I was a special education teacher with a Masters degree, and am having days when I feel THIS is too much! I don’t spend much time in the classroom – and then I don’t seem to be much help. Recess is …. Not what you might think. Especially the day before a camp out! I’ll be staying back to work in the office.

Will I ever be able to teach special Ed again? I hope so. Small groups.

Preparing for the rest of my assessment

I just go home from work (I’ve been working for a month now) and have the rest of my assessment by the county clinician this afternoon. A lot of anxiety and depression has surfaced since I returned to work. It’s a simple job, yet I don’t feel I’m doing very well. Constantly being “corrected” it seems, though probably not as often as it feels. I feel like I’m losing what spark I had in me. Falling flat. I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t always be UP if I’m to work on this. Without therapy, I ignore my illness while it’s behaving itself and staying hidden, not abusing myself or exploding at others. That hasn’t worked. So, I have to live with all the emotions right at the surface, staying there because I’m trying to do something about them. Without hurting myself. I really want to self medicate right now. Stuff it all down under numbness. So much pretending that my life is ok! It’s exhausting! My life is filled with blessings in the people who care about me. But I still fall apart at the slightest conflict. I feel very incapable. Feeling sad, scared and frustrated.

Good for awhile, then falling (failing?)

I’ve been very anxious since my last meltdown (last Thursday), finding myself avoiding on lots of fronts. I’m back to not sleeping well again, and wake up thinking about my last job. I don’t know if my going back to work is triggering things or not, but it doesn’t feel good. I’m calling the county mental health department today to see if they have anyone who works on a reduced fee schedule. Still no insurance, but most psych’s out here don’t seem to take insurance anyways. I’ve been using up old scripts of friends, since mine have all run out. Not cool, I know, but it’s what I have.¬†
 
Then again, I wonder – because nothing ever seems to really make a difference: therapy, medications … Once I’m triggered, I’m over the edge. I don’t want to kill myself. I want this to be gone. I want to see and experience happiness, and bring happiness to others. My family.¬†
 
I feel the heavy wrappings of depression hovering near. Moments of levity are precious. Then, with silence and time, the lights darken and my heart and soul become heavy again. 
 
Every time I fall into BPD behaviors and thinking, I feel like I’ve failed. It’s still here. A curse.

A Moment of Hope and Optimism

I just had a call requesting an interview with me for a part time special education aide (with benefits) in the local school district! This would be wonderful on several points:

part time – I don’t know that I’m ready to work full time yet, but I WANT to work!

benefits – even if they aren’f full benefits, anything helps!

I know the district has a special education teacher retiring in a year. This position would give me an opportunity to show the district what I’m capable of and possibly have they interested in considering me for that position. Nothing is ever a given, but I’ve always wanted to have people evaluate my potential by seeing what I can do, rather than through an interview.

This is a local district. I would REALLY like to work in a local district to help support the community I live in.  These are small towns that deserve good educational support.

Please send positive vibes my way for this position!

American River Charter School

Hesitatingly Calm

Eye of the storm

Eye of the storm (Photo credit: Aquila)

The last few days have found me feeling calmer. I’ve actually stopped and TRIED to feel what’s going on ¬†inside. I can’t. There’s little there. It’s a great relief after the anxiety of the holidays and my wanting to cut. This calm happens periodically, and I never ¬†know how long it will last. Is it the calm before the storm? The calm that is actually the eye of the storm? I don’t know, except that it will end at some point. There hasn’t been much conflict in the last few days. I approached my vet’s office about volunteering, but they don’t need anyone now.

English: Calm before the storm A cumulonimbus ...

English: Calm before the storm A cumulonimbus developing its anvil head as it approaches Balmonth reservoir. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I decided to look into transferring my teaching credential to California in the coming week, and I am anxious about that. If they are in order, I’ll be able to apply for a license here. If not, I don’t know if I will take classes for what I might need. If I am able to get my California license, gulp, a different story might unfold. I’ve told myself and my husband that I would start looking for a job. I need the insurance. But I’m extremely worried about job stress and full blown relapse beyond just wanting to self harm. If I can’t get my license here, then I need to look at other jobs. I’ve always pushed myself SO hard at work that I feel like a loser if I have all this education and experience and then take a job at a pet store or grocery store. The only thing I know will happen – for sure – is that eventually the storm will come again. It might be today, tomorrow, next week, month or later. But it will return. It always has, making it hard for ¬†us (myself and my family) to enjoy the current peace. But I’m trying to. It means not saying much, ¬†because then I disagree/argue and rages get triggered. I kind of lose my identity even more when trying to remain calm. Say nothing, do nothing … but calm is needed when it can be found, for the storm will rage like a hurricane and shatter all in its path.