In two weeks I will be starting my new job as a special education teacher. It’s been two years since I taught – in a different state and with older students. I’m excited and anxious. Both emotions are to be expected as normal considering the situation (years off and different state) but I hope that my BPD doesn’t kick in and make me over reactive to all that will be going on. The medications I’m on, and working with a counselor, seem to be helping a lot, but this will really put them to the test. I realize that I’m not “on the clock” yet, as teachers aren’t to report for two weeks yet, but have been anxious about coming up to speed on certain situations due to a big meeting right away. I feel confident that once I’m there and settled that I will do a great job. But … the anxiety is in getting to that point in time. It’s yet another transition and transition times are difficult. It’s wonderful to have a school like how I presented myself in an interview, and my credentials/resume, to offer me a position. I was thrilled to actually have two job offers! I’m glad that I chose this position over the other. I think it’s a better fit in many ways. You may have noticed how vague I am about this position. Confidentiality is crucial in teaching and especially special education.
On another front, I just returned from a week and a half driving trip with my spouse (vague again!) I had hoped that the time together in the car would open the opportunities for some good discussions about where we are in life and our relationship. I tried to begin, but it was not to be. This made me very sad and ruminating about it all. But when all is said and done, at this point in life, there comes a shift in how we view ourselves and significant others. Passion and obsessions mellow into quietness. Priorities change. Some needs need to be filled from within that from another. There is a sad realness to this. It is what it is. You can’t look for others to change because you need or want them to. And what about changes in myself? There is need and want there as well. I am trying and will continue to in many areas. All I can do is work on myself and not judge what others do with themselves.
I suppose this is not only a count down to my new position, but to settling into a new phase in life in many ways.
Life has been good to me in more ways than I can list. I appreciate all of them and need to focus on those rather than on lesser issues. All is good.