Keeping Up and Keeping It Down

I’ve been trying to catch up on reading blogs I follow (apologies if I’m behind on reading yours.) Reading is making me take a look at how I’m doing. Keeping up is a big part of that. I’ve returned to teaching, after being off for a few years, and am already back to working 10 hour days and feeling like that isn’t enough. I’m not cutting or burning (good thing!) but am struggling with bulimia again. I eat, then eat too much. As the food sits in my stomach afterwards, the fullness expands and feels like an expanded sponge, but as heavy as lead. Some days, life events keep me from doing what my natural reaction is ( purging ), other times I lose the battle. I know it is a coping mechanism for trying to do my best at work and feeling like it’s not enough. How to balance it in a healthy way is a huge challenge. Right now, I’m feeling it and fighting it.

The last time I went to see my counselor, she wasn’t there. She’d called in sick, but no one at the office seemed to know about it, and I sat waiting. It wasn’t the first time. And, I drove an hour to get there. I have a phone session coming up with her. My insurance just changed also. I don’t think her office takes it, so that means finding a new support person. That scares me, both financially (though my husband would challenge that statement) and feeling like I’m starting over.

After reading another blog I wonder about returning to my martial arts. Time and energy hold me back as much as the physical challenge of it. It would be a good thing to do. I’ll plant that seed and it will hopefully grow to fruition.

Now, to keep myself busy until the feeling in my stomach passes. That would also be a good thing.


5 thoughts on “Keeping Up and Keeping It Down

  1. Mandi’s post inspired me too! It shows that we are not tied down to our mental illnesses. I am so desperate to get back to exercising. Even just walking 2 x 20 mins a week fast and build up. I used to be so fit and healthy. Now I walk up hill and I’m out of breath it’s awful.
    And marital arts could be cool too. Always good to know!

    There is a girls football group on Sunday nights near where I live and all girls of my age around that. And not once have I gone. I’m so shy and think I’ll just be a red tomato and not be able to do play and shy socially of course… It’s so difficult for me, but I REALLY have to get myself to go. I wish I had someone I could go with to start with but when you don’t have one friend, it’s impossible to do that!

    I say us 3 get back in to doing something…!!

    I am glad to see that your job seems to be going well. You should be really proud of yourself for getting back to work after having a good while out of work and also managing to not self-harm. That’s great.

    Keep it up! xx

  2. Hi Hawkruh,
    It is a big big thing to be working a job like you are doing now. I hope you feel some self confidence building from that accomplishment. 10 hour days of work sounds like a lot for someone with your personal challenges (actually even for “normal” people 10 hour work days seems like too much).

    I’m proud of you for not cutting or burning. I’m proud of you for your courage to acknowledge the bulimia. I can imagine that is hard to share about. If you can’t stop doing it, can you minimize it or post pone it? That is what a therapist asked me a few years ago. It was helpful to hear a professional give me an option that was doable…something I could work with, rather than just telling me I should not binge and purge at all. Of course I knew that it wasn’t good for me to do.

    I like how you are planting the seed of possibly doing martial arts….I know that you got really far in your skills and training for that. If you can’t go back into it to the level you used to do, can you set the bar a little lower and take it in smaller steps? I know for me….having had dance training and having developed a certain amount of competency in dance many years ago, I still have ideals about what I “should” be able to do even after being away from it for a long time. It feels hard to start over at square one or square 7 when you used to be at square 35. But sometimes that is the only way to make progress. It’s humbling.

    Sending best wishes to you. And thanks for writing.

  3. The therapist situation sucks. Would be good to have a solid support right now while you’re starting a new and challenging adventure with work. I hope the insurance change ends up being a good thing, maybe you’ll find someone who better suits you. If you were still interested, I looked and there are ISTDP therapists in your area. It’s shorter term generally, I don’t know how flexible other therapists are… if that doesn’t work there are other good options too. Someone who is committed would be a really good start!!!!
    I’m sorry you’re having a hard time fighting some bad diseases and coping mechanisms. It seems like a never ending battle. How is work going? Do you see hope there? Is your son still out working?
    Thinking about you!

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