Thanksgiving with LOTS of People

At my sister’s for Thanksgiving. There were a lot of people! I get anxious in crowds, even if it’s all family. I did end up with a small burn on my arm as a coping mechanism. Something to focus on (the sensation) when the noise and smells of cologne got to be too much. It’ll heal quickly and probably leave no scar. It helped.  I did have a good time and don’t think I ate or drank too much.

My new medication, Latuda, seems to be helping. I see the PA about meds on Monday. I will tell all. I see my counselor on Tuesday. Same same. I’m fortunate that she’s willing to do DBT with me one-on-one since the group meets while I’m at work.

It’s been a good visit to Wisconsin and D.C. to see my family this week. The burn isn’t a big deal, really.

weird feeing after self injury, thrill of the secret shared with myself. I’ve had this feeling before. Part of what can make it addictive. Adrenaline rush. Therein lies a danger.

Paranoid

I meet my new therapist in two days. And I’m afraid. Paranoid. I’ve been self harming (burning) for various reasons: anxiety, boredom, shame. The burns aren’t bad or infected. But I woke up in the middle of the night thinking that here I am in a new state, home, environment … my husband isn’t with me yet, and she’s going to take my 16 year old son away from me! He’s not in any danger. I’m not burning myself with fire, it’s just a superficial coping mechanism for me … but they’ll take him away and I’ll be alone! PANIC and paranoia. I’m on the verge of cancelling my appointment. But I know I shouldn’t. I can’t move forward if I just stand still – yet part of e wants to run backwards and hide. Everything is in black and white. There are two neighborhood cats who like to hang around my garden. They look exactly alike, except one is short hair and one long, and yep – they are black and white!

It's a cat.

My heart is pounding as I watch the humming birds this morning and try to figure out how to approach my burning dilemma as I go into a new therapy situation. I’m anxious about this therapy. Should I do DBT or another form? I doubt every decision I make. For a smart person, I feel pretty incapable most of the time.

Today’s challenge, on top of what I’ve just written about, is the California DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) and getting my drivers license. Smile for the camera.

Fail and Burn

Master Lock

Master Lock (Photo credit: Pinachina)

I didn’t cut, but I didn’t make it. My son went to watch a movie and I was home alone, at a time I would usually be going to bed. But I couldn’t because I was going to have to go pick him up in a couple of hours. I really struggled. I looked around for something to cut with, but there was nothing but a dull pocket knife and a duller paring knife. All I really wanted was some small wound I could rub during my anxious moment (ummm, all day) like a worry doll. So I ended up burning the back of my neck because that is where I tend to rub anyways. Too much thought? I tend to think too much. First, blown out matches, then, a heated up heavy duty master lock because it really held the heat. The matches didn’t. I blew them out because I didn’t want my hair to catch on fire. I self harm, but I’m not suicidal. I do want to find a way out of this and be around to see the beauty of life and the world, my son as a man, and maybe a husband and father. There are many things I’d like to do that won’t happen if I’m dead. My self harm is coping, diversionary and a release for anxiety and anger, frustration and sadness. Sometimes, it’s even when I’m happy or excited. Go figure?

I’m getting more anxious about a new therapist. And wondering if DBT is the right kind of therapy for me. Research time. And I had a conversation with my old psychiatrist yesterday that really made me rethink my first impression of him. When I first me him, I left the session and sent emails to my GP and psychologist saying I refused to work with him, he didn’t seem to know anything bla bla bla (black and white thinking). Well, as I talked to him yesterday, he told me that he called my insurance company and talked directly to the doctor who decides on if you will be granted disability or not. That doctor had decided basically not to give it to me because of my move – not based on my psychological condition. So when my doc (Dr H) called, and it turned out actually knew him, he really advocated for me based on my condition. It doesn’t matter where I’m living, I’m not in any condition to be teaching right now. I have a disability. When I am able to teach, I will be released back to work by me current doctor. So, he’s fairly confident that the disability will be approved for now. It was only to be through the remainder of the school year (early June) and not permanent, but I know insurance companies have to try and avoid all costs. My main thought here is that Dr H really changed in my eyes. He’s still a little soft spoken, but I think he’s on my side and that’s what matters.

Hoping for a harm free day. No promises, but I think I’ll be with my son all day so that should help.

 

D-Day

I’m afraid of what today’s appointments, and the one with my psychologist on Monday, will bring. Tuesday afternoon, I was burning some brush and thinking about how Dave continues to not respond (even to acknowledge receiving and/or reading) my emails about my BPD. He’s just THAT shut down about it I guess. I know discussion is out of the question, but I keep hoping he’ll become more aware or understanding. It goes back to my unrelenting fear of abandonment. All this after 32 years of marriage. You’d think I’d realize he’s not leaving me, but I know some days push him closer to it, so it continues to haunt me. The whole thinking part put me in a funk of not caring about myself, risky behavior with the fire. I didn’t use a stick or tool to move wood around. I used my hands. Carefully, of course. But then I started picking up sticks that were burning embers on the end. That let to me thinking about my burn scars being flatter than my cutting scars. And that lead me to deciding to burn over the cutting scars on the back of my leg. I’ve been on an antibiotic for 5 days for strep throat, but the area of cutting/burning looks like an infection is developing. I told my psychiatrist about it last night when he asked how things had been going. I really should tell him his questions, or at least some of them pertaining to my safety, should be more specific. I’m afraid, today, because I will see my regular doctor. He’s the one who’s treated my cuts and burns. I feel like I’ve really let him down.I know I have strategies to help me, but they evaporate in the moment. I spend a lot of time alone, and that’s when the irregular thinking occurs. The move to CA is coming up in about 6 or 7 weeks, and I’m afraid someone here will get the brilliant (sarcasm) idea to have me treated inpatient. If I really want to seriously hurt myself, I could do it there too, so what’s the point? The move will be stressful too. I need to make friends, even though I’ve never really had close friends. I need medical support and that’s been difficult to set up. So there’s the alone time again.

EVERY bit of stress seems so much larger than it is or should be. I see the Sleep Disorder doctor in 3 hours. They want me to do another sleep study night (Horrible experience!) and it looks like I do have sleep apnea, which means some sort of device to be worn while sleeping. I want the help of the doctors, but on my terms. I guess it’s another symptom … manipulating, pushing, challenging, clinging. The monster inside me looks and waits, ready to pounce.

My body, my cage, my cell.

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