I haven’t written for awhile now. I’m stuck. Trying counselling, but don’t know if it’s helping. I cry a lot – at the mention of my father, future losses, failures I think I’ve had with my son and husband. I cry because I can’t go back in time to change what I said or did. I cry because I’m afraid of what I’ve lost or might lose.  It’s oppressive at times.

The counselor tells me to keep practicing mindfulness, and that some of the things I share with her indicate that I am being mindful at times. She reminds me that I can’t change the past or predict the future. Bemoaning and anxiety. I keep trying. It is SO hard though. Emotions run amuck. Sensations of the walls of the past and future close in around me, leaving little room for mindfulness. The pressure of the past and future engulf me, causing me to panic and forget where I’m at. I suppose that as I practice being mindful, I should get stronger and be able to push the walls back into place. At least that’s what I think my counselor would say if I shared my analogy with her. Is the goal then to push them back until the room they shape (my life) is as large as possible?

Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.






Synchronize mind and body. A new card. New meaning, new hope.


When you are completely mindful in the present moment, mind and body are synchronized. Here, synchronizing mind and body is connected with developing fearlessness, in the sense of being accurate and direct in relating to the phenomenal world. That fearless vision reflects on you as well: it affects how you see yourself. You begin to realize that you have a perfect right to be in this universe. You have looked and you have seen, and you don’t have to apologize for being born on this earth. You can uplift yourself and appreciate your existence as a human being. This discovery is the first glimpse of what is called the Great Eastern Sun, which is the sun of human dignity, the sun of human power. 


This was such an affirmation for me! I have a right to be here. I don’t have to apologize (to myself or anyone else) for being born or feel bad about being born. And if I have a  right to be here, then perhaps there is a REASON I am here, there is good to come from my presence even if I don’t see it or feel it. Regardless of diagnosis, labels, disabilities, or what I have thought and done to myself, there is dignity and power in my humanness.


As I continue to work on my meditation and mindfulness,  I will remember this. As I achieve greater mindfulness, perhaps there will also come moments of peace, hope and joy for my life.



Clouds on a summer day

I’m re-blogging this because of a comment discussion with Jaen Wirefly after she posted it. I have difficulty being mindful because I can’t keep my attention on it. Jaen suggested that ADHD may be common (in her opinion) with those with BPD. As I see the truth of it in myself – though undiagnosed – I’m wondering how many others also see that in themselves also. So this post is somewhat of an informal survey. If you have BPD, do you also feel you have ADD or ADHD? I’d also appreciate any comments you have regarding it and mindfulness and/or mindfulness meditation meditation. I keep trying it but have difficulty keeping my attention on it if I am sitting (the more well know way.) Jaen has suggested I try walking mindfulness. I’m going to give it a try! Have you tried either?

Feel the earth beneath bare feet.

I just realized …

I just realized I haven’t written in about a week. I have been busy reading other blogs, playing with my puppy (3 months old), making new friends here through swimming class. TODAY, my outlook is good. I’ve had periods of sadness, anger, anxiety … the gamut that usually torment me … but not for sustained periods. The blogs of others, especially  Jaen Wirefly’s (You Know You’re Borderline When …) posts on mindfulness and Gypsy’s (Through my eyes: Adventures in Boreline Land) reminder to think positively. Others have shared progress going on in their lives (Mandi) and just shared some humorous anecdotes about their family and children (John the Aussie). There are others and you’ve all kept me moving forward!

My husband now is employed, almost full time, although still no benefits, so that takes some of the worry off. He is not pressuring me to go back to work yet. I want to, but don’t feel the time is right just now. Making friends and building that support network, here in a new environment, is what I need to do first. The people in our community are very friendly and welcoming. I’m putting forth the effort to make friends, which I never really did before. I’m struggling with parenting a 16 year old boy – who is a great kid, but is still a 16 year old boy with all that that entails. Thank God I’m not a single parent!

Having more than a day or two in a row without the yuk is kind of scary, but good. I’ve been having days with short periods of distress that I’ve been able to stay with and not succumb to. I appreciate the good days and know the bad days won’t last forever. But I know this “thing” won’t ever leave me for good also, and that’s somewhat distressing – but is what it is and not an excuse to check out. I do have a son to set an example for.