Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Lately I’ve doubted myself a lot. Quite a lot. I’ve doubted my ability to be a decent wife and a competent mother. I’ve wondered if my husband and son would be better off if I left. All I seem to bring to our lives is chaos, anger and arguments. My emotions then plummet into turmoil and depression, self doubt, questioning any value I offer to anyone by my presence. I feel as if I make every day, every situation worse. I no longer know what to say or do that will have a positive effect for myself or those I care about, so I’m afraid of each interaction – no matter how small it may be.

Shambhala Card

#5

To overcome uncertainty is utterly good.

Commentary:Uncertainty here refers to doubting yourself or the existence of basic goodness. When you don’t punish or condemn yourself, when you relax and appreciate your body  and mind, you begin to contact basic goodness in yourself. So it is extremely important  to be willing to open yourself to  yourself.

As human beings, we have a working basis within us that allows us to uplift our state of existence and cheer up fully. Because we have a mind and body, we can comprehend this world. Existence is wonderful and precious. We don’ know how long we will live. While we have our life. why not make use of it? Before we even make use of it, why don’t we appreciate it?

Suggested Alternatives to Self Harming – Do they work?

self harm

self harm (Photo credit: the|G|™)

I’ve read, I’ve researched, I’ve surfed the internet, I’ve met with counselors …

Several alternatives to the actual act of cutting, burning, etc (for me this also includes punching things like cinder block walls) are offered to create a distraction that is visual or tactile while not harmful. I personally have not found them effective, but am wondering if anyone else has or what suggestions have been successful for you.

Here is  what hasn’t worked for me:

1.  ice

2. drawing in red where I would cut

3. hot and cold water

4. hitting something with less resistance (pillows)

5. working with clay

Thoughts?

I need some feedback on this explanation for my husband. PLEASE!

emotion

emotion (Photo credit: photo.anger)

I’m trying to clarify what’s going on with me for my husband – how he seems to perceive it vs how I perceive it. But I’d like to get some feedback from you who follow my blog to see if what I’ve written makes sense. Please help me to clarify this as much as I can for him. He loves me and I love him.

Here’s how it seems that you see me – please correct me if and where I am wrong. And then I will attempt to explain how I perceive myself to you.

Here seems to be what we’ve both observed: I don’t do well with calmness. I need to keep my plate full to overfull.

* You told me that I seem to seek out things to get upset about. And if those get resolved, I find other things.
* I need to be upset. I need to feel like a martyr

* I take little things and make them into big things.
* I pick on Peter, or you

* I take things too personally
* I don’t see how little wrongs are in the big picture ( I can’t tolerate them) all or nothing
* I obsess
* I look for things to be wrong

* I don’t seem to want to be happy

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OK, Here’s what it feels like from inside me … pretty  creepy some times

* ANGER upsets me: mine, yours, Dad’s – anyone’s. Loud voices, doors slamming, screams. It doesn’t have to be directed at me even. But I’m always afraid it will be. It can be in a movie, a book, taking place in my vicinity, caused by me, aimed at me,  …

* I feel very anxious about … everything … my work (that I can’t do it right, have become incompetent ….etc) moving, making decisions, choices I’ve make that have impact where we’re at in life now, how I’ve been as a parent, wife, daughter, what I’ll do after we move.
* I love you very much and most of the time I feel that you know best about everything. However, there are moments, when my thinking gets twisted and I lose sight of that and only see what I’m upset about, and can’t see the good for the bad (so to speak) It’s called black and white thinking. This doesn’t happen often, but like my anger, is like a switch being flipped. impulsive.
* Sometimes, when we’re arguing, I may seem to drift off and to seem to be taking what you’re saying very seriously. What it is it that I can’t connect with what you’re saying so I dissociate from it. This doesn’t happen often, only when I’m really upset by what’s being said  like when you said you didn’t think you could stay with me. I just couldn’t register that.

* Nothing seems top be able to remain “little” in my mind. It’s not that I TRY to take little thing and make them into big things, it’s just that by having them around as “issues”, they hale me avoid myself – what are actually the real big issues. Same with picking fights with Peter and you. keeping it away from myself, – I’m not the problem. When I really am. What my problem is is how emotionally sensitive I am an how difficult it is for me to control y emotions. That seems to be why I try and divert everything away from MY emotions and onto someone else’ or some other situation.
* I keep thinking that if someone or something forces me to come face to face with myself, without the ability to run away from  it, I’ll be in a sink or swim situation. And I hope it’ll be a swim. Sit me down, force me to face my demons, my feelings, finding out that I won’t actually die from them. I just don’t seem to be able to see things as they really are. I try to, but it’s always distorted.

* When there’s nothing going on to keep me preoccupied, it’s a very uncomfortable feeling. I don’t know what to do! That’s where impulsive behavior can come in, I HAVE to do SOMETHING to have some kind of feeling. If I don’t, other feeling seep in that can be uncomfortable to deal with. And when they do, my behaviors can become even more out of control to try and push those feelings down (cutting, burning, yelling/anger erratic driving – ask Peter)
* I need to learn to tolerate them and listen to the part of my mind that says it’s ok. This move may be a part of that change in me.

* Right now I find myself hyper sensitive to emotions of sadness, loneliness, and fear of loss. I’ve always been afraid of losing you even though you remain with me. Abandonment

How to Grow

OK, now I’ve  found my lost follower, my day turned around some. I’ve realized that losing followers will happen. But I would like to attract more followers also. How? I started blogging after reading http://gypsy116.wordpress.com/  Through My Eyes: Adventures in Borderline Land and thought blogging might be a good way for me to do some writing about my thoughts and experiences. If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions about what has worked to increase their following, I’m reading to read! I read someone else’s blog and they are up to 5,000 hits  after 2 months! How on earth does that happen? Well, I’d rather that people read mine who have similar interests or issues (you know what I mean). I hope we all want to be there for each other in some way or another. I didn’t realize how much it meant until I briefly lost one person, and then saw how happy I was to regain them. Abandonment issues I guess. Anyways, I’m looking for ideas and feedback … tags? categories? topics? titles? Thanks again to everyone.

Self Questioning and Fear

Feeling really angry. Want to cut and cut but I’m not. Been arguing with my son, but trying to move past it. That’s going ok.

Lately, I haven’t been angry nearly as much- yea mood stabilizer! What’s been getting me is sadness, about death. Mine, friends, family, fictional people …. I guess it’s more about loss. I can’t handle loss. And I’m moving.

How many people will I never see again? My husband will be staying here until the house is sold, so how long I’m going to go separate from him is unknown. I’m afraid that he’ll decide not to move, even after the house is sold. I know, I know. I need to check that out with him before I get all worried about it.

I also need to let my therapist know that I burned over the scars on the back of my leg. I’m sure she already knows since I’ve seen both my psychiatrist and regular doctor and , but I still need to tell her. Why did I do it? I’m not sure but some reasons might be: I was feeling lonely, anxious about selling the house, anxious , doing the sleep study after I’d already shown up a week early, being alone after moving, etc. scared.

So, back to today. The burn on my leg hurts very little. When I get angry or scared or lonely, I self harm. What kind of phrase is that anyways? Sounds like I’m plucking my eyebrows because they are too bushy. I’ve noticed that scars from burning don’t raise up as much as from cutting. And it’s faster. But I always seem to get an infection.

I know the PHP program helped some, but I can’t spend every day in therapy. All that does is remove me from my environment. Then, of course, it’s easier to not engage in those behaviors or relationship struggles. But every day life, and all it entails, can’t be shunned forever and I don’t want it to be. So what’s the big deal if I have some small cuts or burns? They do offer release. Are they any worse on my body than smoking? I don’t know! I DO know that I need to work on my coping skills, emotional tolerance, and relationship boundaries. Can there be both? I don’t know. Probably not. The release if one creates a barrier to the other. Sigh.

First Post

Hi, I’ve just begun my recovery from decades of BPD that was never addressed. I’ve coped, at my family’s expense. That is no longer acceptable to me. We all deserve to be happy and to find joy in life. My hope is that it isn’t too late for me or those close to me. I’m desperately afraid of what demons I will be challenged with facing, be they experiences, issues or emotions. Right now, I’m feeling very lonely and apprehensive about stepping into this journey. But step forward I must because going backward isn’t an option and staying put is debilitating. So, here goes!

Lonely Wolf

Lonely Wolf (Photo credit: Ghetu Daniel)