Been a LONG time since my last post …

It seems like forever since I’ve written. I haven’t really been gone, just doing more reading and feeling like I don’t have much to share – but that isn’t really the case! After a lot of interviewing, I was offered two different teaching positions. I accepted one and will be starting on August 11th. I’m excited and scared. I’ve not taught for two years and am now in a different state.

The school I’ll be at seems wonderful and my classroom is twice the size of my last one, and FILLED with supplies and teaching materials. Everyone I’ve talked to, at the school, has been wonderfully supportive and welcoming. This seems a wonderful opportunity to have a new start and to feel good about where I’m working and what I’m doing. I know there will be days of anxiousness when I’m unsure of myself. Being aware of that, I need to take a moment and reflect on my skills that have been proven in the past … I am a very good teacher! Especially with students who need special instruction.


 

Just some pictures I've taken over the years ...

Just some pictures I’ve taken over the years …

The sunset, seen through my window on the jet. Above the clouds. Is this where Heaven is, if there is a heaven?

The sunset, seen through my window on the jet. Above the clouds. Is this where Heaven is, if there is a heaven?

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Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

 

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Yes, that’s me – fighting off attackers during my black belt test.

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My son in the throes of childhood imagination!

I’m in the best place that I’ve been in for a long time (although some struggles persist.) There are several reasons for that, but I won’t go into them now. I’m just grateful for each day. I’m able to appreciate all that is happening around me and am working on changing some of my ingrained ways of thinking and perception. Many thanks to followers and readers of my posts who have provided support and insight to my struggles. You are all very appreciated. My posts will probably become more infrequent as my time is filled with work. But, that doesn’t mean I won’t be reading the posts of others.

I know this blog is always here for me to vent and question and reflect on the moments of my life. It has helped immensely. There will always be more to come along and share with you all.

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Preparing for the rest of my assessment

I just go home from work (I’ve been working for a month now) and have the rest of my assessment by the county clinician this afternoon. A lot of anxiety and depression has surfaced since I returned to work. It’s a simple job, yet I don’t feel I’m doing very well. Constantly being “corrected” it seems, though probably not as often as it feels. I feel like I’m losing what spark I had in me. Falling flat. I can’t pretend anymore. I can’t always be UP if I’m to work on this. Without therapy, I ignore my illness while it’s behaving itself and staying hidden, not abusing myself or exploding at others. That hasn’t worked. So, I have to live with all the emotions right at the surface, staying there because I’m trying to do something about them. Without hurting myself. I really want to self medicate right now. Stuff it all down under numbness. So much pretending that my life is ok! It’s exhausting! My life is filled with blessings in the people who care about me. But I still fall apart at the slightest conflict. I feel very incapable. Feeling sad, scared and frustrated.

Eyes

I read a post recently – about eyes and what we see about the person behind them. After a conversation with another blogger, it was suggested that I post my eyes. I’m wondering what others see in them.

This first picture was taken with my laptop camera. I was feeling pretty depressed. 

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A few minutes ago, I took another with my phone. 

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What do you, the reader see in my eyes?

I know that when more of the face is shown, more can be read into it. Eyebrows up or a wrinkled brow. But to see the soul through the eyes, I wanted to see only the eyes. If  I get a few comments, I’ll edit my post and put what I see, but I don’t want to influence any comments with my own perception. I want to hear what others see. 

Hope

I have an appointment for a county evaluation this coming Thursday. Evaluations always confirm my BPD, depression and anxiety. It’s what can be done that I’m looking for.

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By the way, my dog Chi seems to be 100% again!the vet thinks it was an autoimmunity. Cortisone helped. I sure do love her. When I broke down last week, she quickly jumped up on my bed and curled into me as I sobbed. It was the first time she’d jumped up on the bed in a month. She did it for me.

Worry and Panic about my dog

Chi

Chi

 

My dog has been lethargic the last several days. She ran and played hard on Friday. Saturday found her quiet and sleeping. A little stiff, I thought. Same same on Sunday. I began wondering if she’d picked up a bug. That  would take a few days to work through, so I tried to be patient on Monday. By Monday night, I noticed that her stool was very soft, though not diarrhea. She continues to eat, but only wants to get up when she needs to go outside. I was gone for several hours yesterday (Tuesday) and didn’t get home until early evening. Still very lethargic. My husband noticed that some bumps were showing on her snout. Bumps like the ones that erupted on  her snout last spring – and she was on two antibiotics for weeks. Ears down, tail down, trouble getting up from her bed. I felt desolate with worry about what was going on. She’s only a year old.

I was up with her for a couple of hours during the night. She did walk outside (it may have helped hearing deer munching on the twigs and leaves of branches we had trimmed, right next to the.) This morning, she  is walking a little better, but still doesn’t want to get up.  Thankfully, I’m able to get her into the vet’s office in a few hours. So, stool sample in hand (in a baggie), I hope to get some answers and help for her soon. She’s my baby girl, after all, and has been there for me through a lot of depression last fall. She’s my Chi.

Gooood Day!

When my son  was young, life was always an adventure!

When my son was young, life was always an adventure!

I know my last few posts have focussed on stress I’ve felt lately, possibly due to starting a new job. But today I feel good! I just spent an hour reading blogs that I follow, and found many of them helped me to feel more positive, especially http://gentleperseverence.wordpress.com/Her post today was about getting onto a different footing,  and also Life After BPDhttp://mybpdstory.wordpress.com/2013/08/09/progress-on-feelings/ and how she made great progress in communicating/reacting with her husband. I gained a lot from these postings! I hope to be able to take the information and incorporate it into my own life.

Gentle Perseverence (Gel) was having a down day, yet managed to be kind to herself and took several steps that helped her feel better about where she was at and what she was able to do – without succumbing to unhealthy coping habits.

In Life After BPD, the author speaks to her relationship with her husband and how they were able to talk about how she was reacting to arguments (BPD-wise) and what could be different.

I’m going to try and learn from them both. Reading the different blogs, this morning, gave me a feeling of hope. It is making for a good day!