Aging

I’ve just spent the last four days with my mother for her 90th birthday. I am in awe of how well she is doing. Yes, some of her quirks have become a little quirkier, and it’s harder for her to hear. Her humor is just as quick, her posture straight up, her love of books and reading has plenty of time to be fed (a favorite site is to see her with her legs draped over the side of her chair, like a teenager, deep into her current read) and she’s in a safe apartment surrounded by caring friends. Unless the weather is bad, she puts on her heavy binoculars and ventures out for an hour of bird watching every morning. And, yes, she also does water aerobics twice a week.

This was a special opportunity to share a special event. Rather than my visit being a gift for her, it truly was more of a gift for me. I’ll hold it dear forever.

Happy 90th Birthday Mom! I continually love and admire you, trying to follow your example.

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Been a LONG time since my last post …

It seems like forever since I’ve written. I haven’t really been gone, just doing more reading and feeling like I don’t have much to share – but that isn’t really the case! After a lot of interviewing, I was offered two different teaching positions. I accepted one and will be starting on August 11th. I’m excited and scared. I’ve not taught for two years and am now in a different state.

The school I’ll be at seems wonderful and my classroom is twice the size of my last one, and FILLED with supplies and teaching materials. Everyone I’ve talked to, at the school, has been wonderfully supportive and welcoming. This seems a wonderful opportunity to have a new start and to feel good about where I’m working and what I’m doing. I know there will be days of anxiousness when I’m unsure of myself. Being aware of that, I need to take a moment and reflect on my skills that have been proven in the past … I am a very good teacher! Especially with students who need special instruction.


 

Just some pictures I've taken over the years ...

Just some pictures I’ve taken over the years …

The sunset, seen through my window on the jet. Above the clouds. Is this where Heaven is, if there is a heaven?

The sunset, seen through my window on the jet. Above the clouds. Is this where Heaven is, if there is a heaven?

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Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

 

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Yes, that’s me – fighting off attackers during my black belt test.

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My son in the throes of childhood imagination!

I’m in the best place that I’ve been in for a long time (although some struggles persist.) There are several reasons for that, but I won’t go into them now. I’m just grateful for each day. I’m able to appreciate all that is happening around me and am working on changing some of my ingrained ways of thinking and perception. Many thanks to followers and readers of my posts who have provided support and insight to my struggles. You are all very appreciated. My posts will probably become more infrequent as my time is filled with work. But, that doesn’t mean I won’t be reading the posts of others.

I know this blog is always here for me to vent and question and reflect on the moments of my life. It has helped immensely. There will always be more to come along and share with you all.

Email to a friend

I wrote an email to a blogging friend early this morning. Somehow, it turned into a post – so here it is with personal info about people deleted.

Hi, I haven’t read any posts this past week ( other than into paragraph ) but seems you’re in a bad spot. I wish there was something I could offer up to help. I think about you and your journey most every day- even if I’m not able to read your posts. You and Mxxxx.

Having a bit of anxiety myself now. Filling out paperwork for my son to have insurance, even though my husband and I don’t qualify. Something about a thick packet of paperwork puts me over the edge. Only 4 hours sleep because I didn’t take any kind of sedative. Actually got out my exacto knife and washed it in rubbing alcohol to sterilize it. Put it away. Getting anxious about psych appointment next week ( first in over a year +) to be evaluated (again!) for meds (and condition?) Anxious because the last few weeks have been not too bad. What does that mean for me? Better? Yeah, right … That I’m only that much closer to another episode? Probably. And that thought makes me want to isolate myself and turn everyone away. Sink inside. Depressed. But instead, I’ll put on the happy face and try to pretend the anxiety isn’t there. Until it explodes.

My husband thinks that any of my self harm is just for attention. How can that be if each incident is hidden from others? No, it’s not for attention at all. It takes me away from whatever is hurting. Like an escape hatch. The deeper the wound, the better the escape. Like Alice going down the rabbit hole perhaps. But the a new world of disoriented thinking begins.

I’m not needed by my family anymore. I watch their lives going on – completely independent of anything I can provide.

I realize I’m rambling here, and I’ve written more of a post than an email. Sorry about that. I’ve been awake since 2:30 a.m. And feel it. Yet each time that I’ve tried to go back to sleep, I find myself fully awake as soon as my head hits the pillow.
I hate taking sedatives. It’s easy to want to take more than I need so that I stay asleep.
F#%k!

I might as well copy and paste this as a post, since it’s where I’m at this morning.
Writing this on my phone, just noticed my signature says “Visualize”. I think that’s part of my problem. I visualize too much.

Take care, please! I’ll catch up on your posts this weekend.

Hugs,

Chi update

Thanks for all the kind thoughts for my dog, Chi. It’s been two weeks, but she’s slowly getting better. There’s a little bounce in her step, her tail is wagging, she wants to interact with us … but doesn’t really want to play or go for a hike yet. Things really turned around after she got a cortisone shot, and some different medications (and prednisone.) I worry that the underlying cause has to do with the bones in her hips and hind legs. I don’t know if she will be ok for the long term after the medication course is done, or if we will have a good spell and then need to repeat. She’s only a year old. I hope to have many years of love with her still. But for now, I’ll enjoy what we have. She was a lifesaver, last fall, when I was REALLY depressed and needed her unconditional love. She gave it as only a puppy or dog can.  IMG_1682 IMG_2339 IMG_1371

 

 

Visuals

I want to write a post, but my mind is a blank. I’ve been working in my garden a lot, which is very therapeutic for the mind! I think I finally have it all planted and now the tending is to help everything grow. It’s somewhat of a zen garden. There are a few herbs and a cherry tomato plant. Other than that, there are roses (although I’m having trouble getting them to bloom), many different perennials for sun and shade, a slope of succulents, a fig tree, peach tree, Rose of Sharon, tons of rosemary … and a small zen fountain. So rather than write, I’ve decided to share some pictures. Mentally, I’m very good today and grateful for the friends I have and the support and love they have for me (and I for them.)

zen fountain in my garden

zen fountain in my garden

another angle

 

 

 

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I Got the Job!!!!

I got the job!!!! I received a call this morning (to alleviate the anxiety of waiting) and was told they were just waiting for verbal contact with one of my references – and that soon followed. They are anxious to have me; and my special education and technology experience. They are even looking towards the end of next year when one of their special education teachers is retiring and possibly putting me in that position (if all works out this year.)

So … Today was a great day!

Thanks to everyone for your positive thoughts and wishes through this. I think it will be a perfect job for me at this time 😃

A Moment of Hope and Optimism

I just had a call requesting an interview with me for a part time special education aide (with benefits) in the local school district! This would be wonderful on several points:

part time – I don’t know that I’m ready to work full time yet, but I WANT to work!

benefits – even if they aren’f full benefits, anything helps!

I know the district has a special education teacher retiring in a year. This position would give me an opportunity to show the district what I’m capable of and possibly have they interested in considering me for that position. Nothing is ever a given, but I’ve always wanted to have people evaluate my potential by seeing what I can do, rather than through an interview.

This is a local district. I would REALLY like to work in a local district to help support the community I live in.  These are small towns that deserve good educational support.

Please send positive vibes my way for this position!

American River Charter School