What do you say, how do you feel when …

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Moments of intimacy brought me courage to share honestly. I did, saying that physical pain is easier for me than emotional pain. But I know I need to stay with the emotions and not avoid or hide in physical pain. And I asked, or maybe said I needed/wanted him to help me stay with the emotions. The answer was not what I wanted to hear. He, after all theses years of being around me and my emotions, needs to distance himself when my emotions hit. He’s paid his dues, emotionally, and needs to act in this way in order to take care of himself. How can I blame him? I can’t. I wish I’d had my revelation years ago when we were younger and I hadn’t put him through so much, yet. Maybe then he would have been willing to be with me as I tried to stay with my feelings/ emotions rather than self harming to avoid the emotional pain. I don’t blame him in the least for feeling this way. He has tried for decades already. Physical pain is so much easier. But it, my truth,  has now been out on the table. I need to fight this battle on my own. Perhaps this is best and will make me stronger than if I count on someone being there to help hold me up. I guess this has to be my battle and mine alone so that I learn to be ok with myself … Would that be self loving? I have to be ok with myself, even if no one else is. Gulp! Wish me luck!

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Paralysis…

My husband and I have had some very difficult talks over the last few days. Our future together is very shaky. He needs some peace and stability in his life. For over 30 years, I’ve denied him that. And it’s improbable that I can ever give it to him. It is what it is, even as I try new meds and therapy (DBT, but one-on-one). A life-long fear may soon be realized. Alone. When I’m confronted with a situation that is so difficult and requires action on my part, I freeze – paralysis, and disassociate. Where tears or anger would be expected, I go cold and feel nothing. Or, I may act overly energetic, giddy. Inappropriate emotions for the situation. A facade to hide the fear.

The Bipolar Codex

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Feeling Tender (as in raw)

Wyoming landscape

Wyoming landscape (Photo credit: theclyde)

I’m half way through a two thousand + mile driving trip with my son. I’ve been away from home for over two weeks (and all the “missing stuff” that goes with being away that goes with that) because I flew back to my mom’s to help my son drive her car back to our place. She had just sold it to him. While there, we found she’d broken her ankle. I stayed longer to get her through surgery and into rehab. When we left to start our drive home, it was emotional for me, but I held it in because emotional is hard for her. And I’m an emotional person. My dad passed away two months ago, she’s 88 and in a hospital bed, and I don’t know when the next time I will see her will be. Then my son and I headed out. We get along great until we argue. During the first thousand miles, we did ok. But last night, we clashed. It wasn’t even the clashing that hurt, but he the tends to emulate (he doesn’t think so, so it may be subconscious ) the way my husband talks to me when I get angry. Coming from a 17 year old, it sounded condescending to me. And that’s what hurt my emotional self. For those of you who may not know much about BPD, we are extremely sensitive when it comes to emotions – like having an emotional skin that is sun third degree burned.The slightest touch to our emotions can be excruciatingly painful. Over sensitive to the Nth degree. For me, it’s not all the time, but when I’m in a phase/ mode of vulnerability or have been triggered. That was me last night, but I pushed some of it down, not wanting to break down in front of my son, letting him see how upset I was. In our hotel bathroom, I wanted to scream, punch the wall, cut – but I didn’t. I didn’t though. I just acknowledged it. In bed, I turned away from his bed and silently cried while thinking over our words to each other. That was when I realized he was talking like my husband and how THAT hurt to hear. Maybe I’m also upset about how my husband talks when I’m this way, and can’t quite face that either? I don’t know. I take things the wrong way a lot. I’ve been like that my whole life! I’m over sensitive to negativity, fear, emotions and loss. And it’s getting closer to my going back to work/new job start date. It all piles on. I miss my dad. I miss my mom and am fearful of her age and losing her too.  Feeling short of breath and there’s a sinking pit in my gut. There’s more to that list, but this post is already a lot longer than I planned since I’m writing it on my phone.

I am enjoying seeing the differing landscapes as we drive the long interstate (I-80) through Iowa, Nebraska, Wyoming – and states still ahead. These areas always make me think if the pioneers and how they might have felt traveling through this terrain when there were no trails or roads. I admire them beyond measure.

The Wall – Today

An enclosed life guard tower at Ala Moana Beac...

 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Today is the day we go to see Rodger Waters performance of The Wall. I’ve been looking forward to this for months. I’ve been told that although it starts out very depressing, with the death of his father during WWII, by the end, the message is uplifting. I’ve always felt the movie and album to be emotionally intense. I’ve been on edge emotionally for the last few weeks now, as my move gets closer. This morning, my son talked me into watching Act of Valor with him and I finished the movie with a half hour of crying as one of the main characters die right before becoming a father, by throwing himself on a grenade to save his special force members. I had been warned, but I still was unbearable. So why am I going to watch a performance that will be filled with images, music, and tenseness that will stretch me? Because I don’t want this illness to keep me from the world and experiencing  events like this that are once in a lifetime chances to do with my family. They know it may be hard for me and I will probably be in tears. I will ask for the hugs I need.  Lots of emotions about loss and family will be flowing. Please keep me in your thoughts. I’m jumping into deep waters, but with floaties on and a rope around my waist and the life guard alerted! See you all tomorrow.

An Ahaaa moment that I’m not really comfortable with

I’m been off of work since the beginning of March because of stress and anxiety. Between everything that was going on there, everything with my parents, and everything with my own life and upcoming move … it was becoming too much for me to handle. Today I finally realized what all those activities where doing. They were distracting me from experiencing emotions; emotions that have I’ve been harboring for years in addition to emotion about everything that I’m dealing with now. And all of these emotions make me want to run and hide. I don’t like them and I don’t know what to do with them. My skin feels like it’s crawling all over and it’s hard to sit still for more than a few minutes. But then it’s hard to stay focused doing anything for more than a few minutes also. I keep drifting from task to task. Some of it meaningful, some pointless, some anxiety driven (like cutting my bangs shorter and shorter.) Our house has been gotten in order, so there’s not much that needs to be done on a daily basis, leaving me with time … time to feel these emotions. That’s becoming uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. Does anyone else ever feel this way? If so, how do you deal with it? I’ve been wrapping up in a blanket on the couch, but it’s getting a little hot for that.

 

Anxiety

Anxiety (Photo credit: Alaina Abplanalp Photography)

Last night I met with my psychiatrist and discussed how things are going since going off of Lamotrigine (it had caused me to gain 25 pounds in 2 months and was starting to trigger eating disorder behaviors again) and switching to Topomax (the only mood stabilizer I could find that didn’t have weight gain as a side effect). Luckily, my doctor felt that it was a viable alternative and supported switching. I don’t know what I would have done if he had insisted I stay on the Lamotrigine because I don’t think I could have done that, yet I know I need a mood stabilizer. Now I’ve been on the Topomax for three weeks and haven’t gained any more weight – YEA!! One small victory. Now my dose is being increased a little and I’m taking something for anxiety so we’ll see if that helps. I have a feeling this may get worse before it gets better, what with our move almost 4 weeks away and then the whole settling in process. Creepy skin time settling in again.

Anxiety

Anxiety (Photo credit: Rima Xaros)