In Peace, He Passed

English: Photograph of a Monarch Butterfly.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

My father passed away early this morning. It was peaceful and his family was with him as he went. I am so very grateful for all the support I’ve had from fellow bloggers as it helped me to be in a place where I can more steadily bear this loss. If it had bee a year ago, it would have been a very different story.

Thank you all.

 

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Looming ahead

I’ve been home with my parents for three days now and so far so good. I arrived here after being awake for about 36 hours straight (I don’t know how much you can count an hour and a half nap on a plane when you’re hearing all of the noises around you!) 

So far, no anxiety or depression! YEA!!! I’ve been able to visit several friends and do a lot of catching up. Tomorrow brings a blizzard, so I doubt I’m going anywhere.  I bought a peg loom to try and learn how to knit some hats. Maybe I’ll be able to knit one for my niece’s two year old tomorrow. 

 

Falling like a stone into a well

My morning started off well, but the last fifteen minutes have plummeted down, like, uh … a stone falling into a well.

I’m trying to post quickly in an attempt to stay with my emotions and capture them rather than react to, or act upon them. This is the first time I’ve tried t his.

Yesterday I had a HUGE fight with my 16 year old son about school … tried to stand up and be direct, firm as a parent. He thinks I”m picking on him. Probably some of both. Today he and my husband are off doing something together. I initially looked forward to the time alone to watch some dog training clips I’ve saved and listen to some training audios, in addition to doing some meditation and yard work. I really like the time I spend in my yard and working with my 4 month old puppy, Chi. I also called a new friend to see if I could come over, but got her answering machine. Quickly, my emotions fell. I lay on the floor next to my pup wondering about self injury and lack of self worth. I often seem to cause more pain to others that joy. Yesterday, I contemplated burning myself each time I found myself ready to argue with my son, to see if I could displace the nitpicking and frustration and anger. Doubt it would work though.

My cell phone just rang – the friend I had called – she’s home and wants me to come over! Time for a quick shower and there I go. I’m afraid my emotions are still so close to the surface that they may spill out while we talk. If they do, what then? I hope she will still be there. Maybe there will be one of those hugs I so desperately crave and so seldom feel.

My son,as an upset baby – how I’m feeling inside today.

Posting Suicide

Except for John the Aussie (as a regular) and an occasional other, no one seems to read my blogs any more. It doesn’t matter if I’ve been a regular reader of theirs- and commentar also, I’ve tried to write in different modes that might be more interesting. I’ve tried increasing the tags for my blogs, but still it seems that no one is really all that interested. Thank you, John, for continuing to check in on me. Some days I feel on top of the world and as normal as can be. But when I look at what isn’t happening, I again feel like the lost child that stays hidden in the background. I’m not complaining – it’s just an observation. I guess it’s an ok place to be for me. A good place to observe others, even if no one notices you. A lot can be learned from observing others. I see how lucky I am in the true picture of life. I may have my moments or even days of emotional dis-regulation, self harm, depression anxiety etc, but I know I am loved (even in the midst of arguing) and lovable. I know my depression will come and go and I will have days where I feel joy and thoroughly like almost every aspect of my life. So no one wants to read my blog. There’s not a Da#n thing I can do about that. I will write or not write, as the mood suites me. Is that posting or blogging suicide? Only time will tell.

Cheers all!

I just realized …

I just realized I haven’t written in about a week. I have been busy reading other blogs, playing with my puppy (3 months old), making new friends here through swimming class. TODAY, my outlook is good. I’ve had periods of sadness, anger, anxiety … the gamut that usually torment me … but not for sustained periods. The blogs of others, especially  Jaen Wirefly’s (You Know You’re Borderline When …) posts on mindfulness and Gypsy’s (Through my eyes: Adventures in Boreline Land) reminder to think positively. Others have shared progress going on in their lives (Mandi) and just shared some humorous anecdotes about their family and children (John the Aussie). There are others and you’ve all kept me moving forward!

My husband now is employed, almost full time, although still no benefits, so that takes some of the worry off. He is not pressuring me to go back to work yet. I want to, but don’t feel the time is right just now. Making friends and building that support network, here in a new environment, is what I need to do first. The people in our community are very friendly and welcoming. I’m putting forth the effort to make friends, which I never really did before. I’m struggling with parenting a 16 year old boy – who is a great kid, but is still a 16 year old boy with all that that entails. Thank God I’m not a single parent!

Having more than a day or two in a row without the yuk is kind of scary, but good. I’ve been having days with short periods of distress that I’ve been able to stay with and not succumb to. I appreciate the good days and know the bad days won’t last forever. But I know this “thing” won’t ever leave me for good also, and that’s somewhat distressing – but is what it is and not an excuse to check out. I do have a son to set an example for. 

California

This could end up being a lengthy post so let me begin by saying that it is my first official morning as a California resident and I suddenly was filled to the brim with emotions of sadness. Yesterday was hard, though not as much as I anticipated, until later in the evening after my son had done nothing but tell me how bad my driving was (he was great in other ways, but not about my driving) and bla bla bla until I almost lost it and came close to putting my fist through a wall. I think I took twice as much lorazepam , spread out over the day, as I usually do because my anxiety was so high. But I did leave a message for my psychiatrist to let him know that I had done so. I would have been in a full blown panic attack in the air if I hadn’t taken the extra. I’m sure the passengers and crew appreciated my decisions on each leg of the flight. I did get a couple of texts throughout the day that reminded me that I was not alone. They helped and made me smile for a few moments. Other than the driving thing, my son was great!

So now is the first day of the rest of my life, as they say. Is it OK that I slept with the sweaty t-shirt that my husband last wore (and was about to throw out) curled around my head? I put it in a plastic bag this morning to help keep his smell there longer. I have no idea when I’ll see him and my heart is already breaking with missing him.

With the emotions come the urges to self harm, but not suicidal. Lots of urges. So far, no actions, just urges.

I need to get my day going. I have a long list of things to do that go along with this job of … Shudddddderr … being on your own for a while. I have to remember to breathe deeper than my chin or throat, and to do it often! Then I should be OK. One breath at a time.

Time is slipping away

I’m down to just a few days before the move … gulp! Tomorrow morning is my last meeting with my psychiatrist here, and I don’t have a new one set up in CA, just a psychologist, if she works out. thin thread of connection ….

I’m really thinking about the full size voodoo doll John suggested! How could I contrive a device that would make it bleed so that I wouldn’t have to?

One good thing happened though. Someone did find the pouch I had my license and insurance card and money in when I went to see Roger Waters and they called (they only live 20 minutes from me and the concert was 2 1/2 hours away!) I’m meeting them to get it back this afternoon. I already spent the money to have my license reissued, but it’s still nice to know that there are honest people out there who aren’t out to steal your information.

The good-bye gatherings are over. I’m about done packing. Luckily, I having broken down in tears during them, which has made them much more comfortable. It will be different with my parents though. I’m desperately trying to get them using skype. My mom, at 87, is struggling with it. Time to remind her of my new mantra … Where there is life, there is hope! (How many of you have I posted that to lately?!)

At one of my good-bye gatherings of work friends (special educators) I was told that when your journey comes to a fork in the road and one direction is less comfortable or easy that the other, it is the path you are meant to take. That is my journey now into recovery. Into California, without my husband being at my side right away. Into a new life. It won’t be easy. But I know I can do it and will be a better and stronger person for choosing that path.

English: Fork in the path up The Cobbler

English: Fork in the path up The Cobbler (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Over the next couple of weeks, my posts may be sporadic. I will do my best to check in, even if by “liking” posts that I regularly follow and commenting with a brief word or two. I’ll post when I can.

Peace and love to you all! – Hawkruh (Hawk)

Post Note:I connected with the guy who found my drivers license today. He refused to accept any reward! There still are good people. What a joy. Also, the man who painted our front room thinks his nephew might be interested in buying our house.. Maybe things are turning around. Time will tell. I’m feeling in a good place at this moment in time. I think I will  be mindful and enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

I believe our true nature is joy

I believe our true nature is joy (Photo credit: HeedingtheMuses)