High Anxiety!

My anxiety is shooting up – at unexpected times and for no apparent reason. OK, I guess there is/are reasons. Work is stressful –  returning to it and being in a new place to teach, and feeling like I’m not up to snuff and worried about it all. Now I’m trying to find a new psych doctor and worry about the money aspect of that. My husband would say not to worry, but do what I feel I need to. But I don’t feel worthy of spending that kind of money on myself. I need to find a doctor, though. My meds run out in about a month and I need a psych to prescribe them. Me with no meds is a BAD thing! I’ve only fairly recently seemed to find a “cocktail” of meds that seems to be a good balance for me. I just sent an email to a prospective doctor. I gave him all the basic facts up front. I hope I hear from him soon. My insurance website provided his name, but then I didn’t see my carrier on HIS list, so I’m worried about that. I’m turning into my mother with worrying!

Email to a friend

I wrote an email to a blogging friend early this morning. Somehow, it turned into a post – so here it is with personal info about people deleted.

Hi, I haven’t read any posts this past week ( other than into paragraph ) but seems you’re in a bad spot. I wish there was something I could offer up to help. I think about you and your journey most every day- even if I’m not able to read your posts. You and Mxxxx.

Having a bit of anxiety myself now. Filling out paperwork for my son to have insurance, even though my husband and I don’t qualify. Something about a thick packet of paperwork puts me over the edge. Only 4 hours sleep because I didn’t take any kind of sedative. Actually got out my exacto knife and washed it in rubbing alcohol to sterilize it. Put it away. Getting anxious about psych appointment next week ( first in over a year +) to be evaluated (again!) for meds (and condition?) Anxious because the last few weeks have been not too bad. What does that mean for me? Better? Yeah, right … That I’m only that much closer to another episode? Probably. And that thought makes me want to isolate myself and turn everyone away. Sink inside. Depressed. But instead, I’ll put on the happy face and try to pretend the anxiety isn’t there. Until it explodes.

My husband thinks that any of my self harm is just for attention. How can that be if each incident is hidden from others? No, it’s not for attention at all. It takes me away from whatever is hurting. Like an escape hatch. The deeper the wound, the better the escape. Like Alice going down the rabbit hole perhaps. But the a new world of disoriented thinking begins.

I’m not needed by my family anymore. I watch their lives going on – completely independent of anything I can provide.

I realize I’m rambling here, and I’ve written more of a post than an email. Sorry about that. I’ve been awake since 2:30 a.m. And feel it. Yet each time that I’ve tried to go back to sleep, I find myself fully awake as soon as my head hits the pillow.
I hate taking sedatives. It’s easy to want to take more than I need so that I stay asleep.
F#%k!

I might as well copy and paste this as a post, since it’s where I’m at this morning.
Writing this on my phone, just noticed my signature says “Visualize”. I think that’s part of my problem. I visualize too much.

Take care, please! I’ll catch up on your posts this weekend.

Hugs,

Better Day

Ok, I know my last  post was on a bad day. I took 3 sleeping pills (2 and then a 3rd an hour later) and also had a strong drink and slept most of the day between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. Got into a big fight with my son and then cut. Poor choices all around. I’ve been really trying to find work, and to get help with health insurance. I guess it’s stressing me a bit.

Sleeping Pills

Sleeping Pills (Photo credit: A.Currell)

I just want everyone to know that today was much better, though not what I’d call a great day. But I have to recognize and appreciate these days so I can see that it isn’t all out of control.

Speaking Up and Falling Down

Me being thrown during my black belt test

I’ve got things I want to say but I’m not sure how to say them. When I’m angry, I have no trouble spewing out whatever is on my mind – and then some. But it’s a whole other story when I’m not raging. And those are the important times. Recently, the issue and discussion (or fear thereof) is about health insurance. We don’t have any. My meds are running out and we’re not getting any younger.

There’s a different feel to speaking up for something as opposed to ranting. When it’s shot down or disagreed with, I feel like I’ve been picked up and slammed down.  I cringe and shrivel up inside having spoken up and not met with agreement but discord. I feel stupid. Worthless. Insignificant. Fretful. And for some reason, a little afraid.

Should I acquiesce so easily, only sharing my concerns when I’m raging in anger and frustration? Then, I’m the crazy mother, the wife who has no excuse for her behavior (as opposed to the son who is, after all, only acting like the 16 year old he is.) I know this sounds like a lot of negativity about my husband. In his defense, he’s lived with me and my erratic behavior and emotional instability and fragility for over 30 years.  He’s tired. My response seems to be grinding my teeth at night (a real treat when I’m already wearing a cpap mask!), holding my breath and avoiding topics that seem to be constantly on my mind.

When the 16 year old was younger, we didn’t argue so often.

 

The answer is up to me. He tells me that I’m free to buy insurance with what money we have – and it’s a bit, but I expected it to be for housing and groceries and such for later years in life. I also suck when it comes to money matters and making decisions. My anxiety goes into overdrive and I can’t seem to tell the difference between A or B even if they are the only two options provided. The only other alternative is my returning to work, even though I’m not quite ready. Master’s degree in hand, I may end up taking a job in a pet store,that offers insurance to employees, because it will be less stressful that trying to find and obtain a job that utilizes all of my education and experience.  If that’s the case, I’m ok with it. Who knows – it may be a foot in the door with the company and lead to more as I am ready to take it on.

Our pup carrying her basket of toys to the living room