Agitated, churning, welling anger and frustration

I can feel it welling up inside. Frustrated about my job. Teacher’s aid, I take a group of upper elementary students (7) who are too disruptive to be in class during math, and try to do math with them in another room – where they are all disruptive. Often, several of them can’t handle that either and need to go to the office. Now being told that I can’t send them there but have to send them to the kindergarten room instead. Yesterday, one student told me about being punched in the eye before school. The other student bragged about it at lunch. I talked to the classroom teacher and learned that the director had asked the student to think about what punishment they should receive.  Even though the student handbook says this kind of physical conduct  means suspension from school.

What message does this send to other students? NO CONSISTENCY! No wonder there is no improvement in the behavior problems.

Two classrooms are working on a play they are putting on. There are many that can’t participate because of their behavior being so disruptive. Yet these same students are expected to sit quietly and watch while the other students rehearse. Anyone see problems occurring in this scenario? You bet!

There’s lots more, but this is enough. Now that I’ve spewed this out in writing, I’m hoping to start my work day a little less stressed.

Sorry to just have a venting post, but I needed to get it off my chest.

FOLLOW UP …

A better day at work today, but I find myself yelling at students. That’s not the way to handle things and I know it. But it shows how frustrated I’m feeling.

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I Got the Job!!!!

I got the job!!!! I received a call this morning (to alleviate the anxiety of waiting) and was told they were just waiting for verbal contact with one of my references – and that soon followed. They are anxious to have me; and my special education and technology experience. They are even looking towards the end of next year when one of their special education teachers is retiring and possibly putting me in that position (if all works out this year.)

So … Today was a great day!

Thanks to everyone for your positive thoughts and wishes through this. I think it will be a perfect job for me at this time 😃

Hesitatingly Calm

Eye of the storm

Eye of the storm (Photo credit: Aquila)

The last few days have found me feeling calmer. I’ve actually stopped and TRIED to feel what’s going on  inside. I can’t. There’s little there. It’s a great relief after the anxiety of the holidays and my wanting to cut. This calm happens periodically, and I never  know how long it will last. Is it the calm before the storm? The calm that is actually the eye of the storm? I don’t know, except that it will end at some point. There hasn’t been much conflict in the last few days. I approached my vet’s office about volunteering, but they don’t need anyone now.

English: Calm before the storm A cumulonimbus ...

English: Calm before the storm A cumulonimbus developing its anvil head as it approaches Balmonth reservoir. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I decided to look into transferring my teaching credential to California in the coming week, and I am anxious about that. If they are in order, I’ll be able to apply for a license here. If not, I don’t know if I will take classes for what I might need. If I am able to get my California license, gulp, a different story might unfold. I’ve told myself and my husband that I would start looking for a job. I need the insurance. But I’m extremely worried about job stress and full blown relapse beyond just wanting to self harm. If I can’t get my license here, then I need to look at other jobs. I’ve always pushed myself SO hard at work that I feel like a loser if I have all this education and experience and then take a job at a pet store or grocery store. The only thing I know will happen – for sure – is that eventually the storm will come again. It might be today, tomorrow, next week, month or later. But it will return. It always has, making it hard for  us (myself and my family) to enjoy the current peace. But I’m trying to. It means not saying much,  because then I disagree/argue and rages get triggered. I kind of lose my identity even more when trying to remain calm. Say nothing, do nothing … but calm is needed when it can be found, for the storm will rage like a hurricane and shatter all in its path.

Conundrum

English: A special education teacher assists o...

English: A special education teacher assists one of her students. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I feel like I’m in a conundrum. My head tells me, “Go out and find a job. You’ve taken enough time off. You’ve gotten through your year from hell and survived. You have all that education that you need you use, now find a way to use it.” (I have a bachelors in Elementary Education and special education and a masters in Education, Media, Design and Technology) But I am afraid. None of the jobs I’ve ever had that have amounted to much have ever come from formal applications and interviews. I’m TERRIBLE at selling myself and the more I think about job qualifications, the less qualified I feel for any kind of job. Yet, if I’m in a job, I can do it. There’s the high functioning BPD in me! Now I’m here in a new environment with no connections to work off of. I have to go through that formal process of applying, resume, interviewing (if I’m ever lucky) and the very though scares me to death! Even for a job I’m extremely over qualified for, like a grocery clerk. I’m so afraid of selling myself that I’m ready to do nothing, just to avoid the process. Hence the conundrum.

Big Question of the Day

Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness

Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness (Photo credit: Gemma.E.Taylor)

I just read this blog that truly explains BPD in a straight forward way. I hope everyone who reads my blog follows the link and reads it. https://authorjaenwirefly.wordpress.com/

The image illustrates some theory of famous ps...

The image illustrates some theory of famous psychologist Melanie Klein, advanced by John Steiner (1979). The theory is about how Borderline Personality Disorder develops and how it interacts with other disorders. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not a good afternoon. I had emailed my husband the above link, forever trying to explain/help him understand who or what I am, but he never responded in any way. This evening, I sent him another email saying that even if he doesn’t want to talk about it (I will respect that) it would mean a lot to me for him to acknowledge getting the email and reading it, and following/reading the links. I am trying to respect his boundaries and asking him to respect mine – I think. Maybe just respect me.

Et bål

Anyway, this evening I was burning brush and thinking about the email I sent him and the therapy program I just finished and how disconnected I feel. I ended up taking burning sticks and burning over some cutting scars I have on the back of a leg. I was really mad when I first told my psychiatrist about them (first visit) and he didn’t look at them, and they should have had stitches. I’ve burned my arm and the scars are flatter, so I decided to burn the cutting scars and maybe they will end up being flatter than they were. I know the thinking isn’t rational, but that’s how it went. The burning stings for a second, but then doesn’t hurt at all. No matter how long the heat is applied. I feel very disconnected from everything when I self harm. Why is that? What is that? The disconnect last long after too. That’s my big question of the day I guess.