Afraid

I’m very afraid of what this new approach to my therapy will bring. But I asked for it. I feel like I’m in Limbo. Something am waits, but what. I want to force it out of hiding, yet fear it will be my undoing to do so. The fear makes me want to do things to myself to avoid facing it … Binge, purge, cut, burn, drink, pills … My skin is crawling. I don’t really want to hurt myself, just trying to avoid the unknown fear. Binging and purging isn’t working. I’ve no strong desire to cut and burn (feelings aren’t at that intensity right now) and having a drink just makes me sadly aware of the fear and avoidance.
I want to talk but am afraid of what I might say or ask. The truth might be too hard, too uncomfortable – demanding what of me?

“I don’t think you really have BPD,” She said. Then what? Am I just fucked up? I know my life is a dream compared to others. But I cannot deny the fear and trepidation that fill me. I put on a laughing facade around my friends. They say they are always there to help, but how can they? This all seems so childish of me. Get over it! Shut up the words that resound in your head. Silence can be so deafening.

Drinking makes me depressed, just like they say it will. Not a good thing to do. Ok, off to bed. Night all.

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SSSSLLLLLLEEEEEEEEPPPPPP

Today I’m trying to numb out with sleeping pills. I’ve been applying for all kinds of jobs – nothing. Alsto trying to work with the county social worker to see if I can get any help. I had contacted my old psychiatrist for help and he politely said “NO”. I sent 2 different applications verifications in to the country social worked, and they were wrong. She found a link to what she thinks is the correct application for me to fill out and I’ve been working on it. First was unemployment insurance. Then that didn’t seem right so I worked on  the one for disabilities. When I submitted it, I got a message that I needed to talk to a specialist to finish it. I’ve now been on hold for a  LONG time. Getting worried. My social worker here needs the confirmation by 3:00 today. The people in WI will only be available for the next hour because of the time difference.

Red Tape: The Government Grind

I really want to go into a deep sleep and hope this all passes. Took 3 sleeping pills and now have a strong drink. Slept for a little bit before I got the call from the social worker. So now I’m in a kind of haze as I try to do this. Want to go back to sleep. Just keep feeling that now matter what I say, the answer will not be helpful. If I’m asleep, I don’t think about it. Well not exactly. I dream about needing to find a job with insurance. But I’m too over qualified for anything I think I can handle right now. It’s hard enough for people who aren’t struggling to make their way through all the red tape. How do they expect anyone who can’t focus or make reasonable jusdgements to do it?

I’m not feeling terrible right now, just SO tired of being like this and always living in fear of when my BPD will rear its ugly head and wreck havoc in my life and those of my family. There are so few people that I feel I can talk to honestly about it.  I never feel like I can alk without feeling huge shame – and feeling that they can’t understand me. I’ve heard the words “don’t do that to yourself!” so many times I can’t count. And I never trust that people really want to know what is gong on with me. It’s too uncomfortable for them since they really can’t do anything to help me with it. So much of it is internalized and only comes out at home – except for when I was freaking out and cutting while at work last year.

Still on hold …When this ends, I may need another pill. My sleep has been pretty crappy lately.