About

Current History on me:

My name is Catherine, but for the purposes of posting, I go by Hawkruh. Either is fine. I am 49 years old. I’ve been married for almost 30 years and with my husband for 32 years. I was first diagnosed when I was 29 years old, but no one explained what BPD was, so I remained clueless as to what I struggled with and what I could do about it. I’ve suffered with depression, bulimia (except now I get searing pains in my chest that stop me from throwing up) and self mutilation from cutting and burning. I was recently re-introduced to my formal diagnosis of BPD and have decided that I don’t want to live this way anymore. If I do, I will lose my husband and, probably, my son. I have to address this and do everything I can to recover. This is a very difficult time for me. I am moving 2,000 miles away from my parents and the state I have lived in for most of my life. I am hopeful that this move will help me to make positive changes. I really need them!

Ancient History on me:

I’ve struggled with emotions and erratic behavior for most of my life. I was a very sensitive child, often being the one to cry when my brother and sister would fight or when kids would tease me sister at school. When my sister broke her ankle in 3rd grade and had to be tutored at home, I developed psychosomatic symptoms that kept me out of school for much of that time also. Fear of abandonment. Oh, did I mention we’re twins? Not identical though. Bulimia and self-harming started when I was 16. Cutting and burning when I was about 21. In 1984, I was taking a class that involved writing poetry and short stories. In my May (2012) posts, I include a post Memory Poem and a 4 part post The Secret (the short story from that class) that unknowingly address my BPD. Indeed, they were written years before I was diagnosed for BPD or treated for any kind of mental illness.

30 thoughts on “About

  1. Hi – I was just wondering…Talent Shack has been shortlisted for a national business competition and I need to give a three minute pitch. I could really do with a logo or design for Talent Shack and I was just wondering if you’d like to help? Please don’t worry if you can’t or would prefer not to. I just thought I would ask. And sorry for posting this on here, I was going to contact you via email, but couldn’t find an address on your site.

  2. Have you seen this book? The cover looks terrible!! Here’s the link and description. I’m gonna ask around.

    http://www.amazon.com/How-Spot-Borderline-Personality-ebook/dp/B0055OHPTK/ref=sr_1_21?ie=UTF8&qid=1337593673&sr=8-21

    Based on former FBI Special Agent Joe Navarro’s experience as a criminal profiler and behavior specialist, “How to Spot a Borderline Personality”, provides the average person the tools necessary for identifying and assessing individuals who suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. This is a must read for anyone who wants to “protect” themselves, their children, or their loved ones from such a personality.

    This short practical guide and checklist includes the 100 behaviors that are closely associated with this prevalent disorder. It is easy to use and intended for the average layperson: you truly don’t have to be a psychiatrist to use this.

    This short booklet will give you insight into this disorder by examining behaviors that may not be recognizable to you at first but have proven over time to be part of the Borderline Personality. Practical, fast, easy to read and simple to understand, this guide sheds light on a disorder that afflicts many with serious consequences for the rest of us.

  3. Ever since I was told that I was a borderline personality, I was obsessed with the question, “borderline between what and what?”. I still don’t understand this, and I am now 52 — some thirty years older than I was when I was so diagnosed. I thank you for your blog; I finally feel as though I’ll have a chance of understanding these words they said described me…. I look forward to your posts, and appreciate the book recommendations/acknowledgement. Really though, how to ‘protect themselves” from us? How self righteous and judgemental that sounds!
    I also invite you to check out my blog, and see if it appeals to you. All Bright Blessings!

  4. On of my friends just commented saying I MANIPULATED the system. (we’re good friends who disagree about stuff ALL the time. We’ll be good) She must not have ANY idea what saying the word manipulation means to someone with BPD, even though she’s researched it. You don’t have to agree with me regarding what it was about, I don’t mind. But if you get a few minutes will you comment on how you feel about the word manipulation? You can even ream me after that if you disagree with the rest 🙂
    http://mmstores.wordpress.com/2012/10/27/just-a-few-clauses/

  5. Hawkruh, much of what you describe sounds very familiar to me … and my life now has a crisis of sorts going on that in part includes my benefits being discontinued. I am so unhappy with the level of mental health I have been receiving that I am looking into inpatient psychiatric hospitals, just so that I can once and for all receive diagnostic testing as well as CAT scans and/or MRIs to address the very real possibility of mild TBI injuries (after 11 concussions, a TIA, and a possible fractured skull after being rabbit punched 5 times in the head is a space so small I could not get away. I think it’s reasonable to want to check this out; what do you think? I’ve been accused of being hypocondriacal, and of malingering — mostly by psychologists whom I find singularly ineffective or (in the last case) by a man who saw me once for all of ten or fifteen minutes. I’m so nervous about this entire issue that I keep getting completely confused as to whether my asking for all of this is an abuse of the system or just me finally standing up for myself and asking for a diagnosis based on some testing of both the medical and psychological types. Athough I believe in my case what was originally in the late ’70’s diagnosed as BPD was in fact PTSD, just because that was such a new diagnosis — in fact I don’t think it even made it in to the DSMV-III until 1980 — I now understand a little more clearly that even before the assaults I was exhibiting several behaviors that may in fact have been BPD. Now they’ve all been allowed to stew in the pot together for 30 years or so, who knows what influenced what, or which morphed into something commpletely different? All I know is that feeling miserable, nearly paralytic with fear I don’t completely understand, and struggling to maintain even a basic functionality on top of an external crisis that demands a response from me has finally brought me to this hope that a hospital will be able to help me sort things through.
    Bythe way, Happy Halloween from a witch who wishes you hugs and angel wings:)

  6. I wish I could give you medical advice, but I can’t. I do know how frustrating the system is and wanting help and to know what is going on with yourself can be. Some days, it all seem futile – thinking that this is what my emotional life will be. I know I am blessed in so many other ways, but the emotional turmoil is tough… fear, anxiety, misery that you don’t understand. Thanks for the the wishes and wings! Happy Halloween.

  7. Hi Hawkruh,
    I’ve been getting acquainted with you here at your blog. I’m liking your writing. I am drawn by your interest in a holistic approach to your healing. Me too.
    I also have a life long history of depression and dealing with bulimia. It looks like were pretty close in age. My movement therapist said there is a new DSM diagnosis they are considering adding and she said she thinks I fit it. She called it Developmental Trauma Disorder. It’s a lot like PTSD in some of the ways that symptoms manifest. But it’s different in that it occurs from chronic trauma and neglect at a very early age…… At the time when the brain is laying down some important foundation neurologically. And when that doesn’t happen well enough then you have life long chronic problems with anxiety and ability to self nurture and function socially…alot of it should be at the unconscious reflexive level.

    I’ll come back soon and read some more of your story. It’s great to connect with people and get support through blogging.

  8. Thank you for following my blog. I hope that you will find it helpful. I work with people who engage in self harmful behaviors and have run DBT groups. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. I do hope that you research this therapy and it’s founder Marsha Linehan if you have not already done so. It is known to be one of the best therapies for BPD. Warm wishes.

  9. Hi Hawkruh! I’ve found your blog via Gel’s blog. I feel very touched from everything you had to go through and still struggle with, and from how openly you write about it. While I don’t have BPD (however my husband becomes emotionally unstable when he’s stressed, although he doesn’t have clinical BPD), I’ve been suffering from ED for more than 15 years (I’m 30 now), I’m also hypersensitive and had a lot of health problems in the past. I wish you all the best on your journey! Now I’m looking forward to reading more. 🙂

  10. If its possible to ‘like’ this then I liked it – I’m just reading it over again and seeing some similar struggles that we’ve been through. BPD in general for starters. And of course the self-harming and some other things.

    I would be interested in knowing more about how you are doing now and which treatment you are receiving and if its helping.

    All the best and see you around x

    • So much in common! Today I’m doing OK, but that can go on for months, or change in the blink of an eye. I’ve mostly never been treated. A year and a half ago, I was back in therapy – but it was just “maintenance” because my therapist didn’t do BPD patients. She just tried to keep me stable before I moved 2,000 miles away. She tried to get me set up with a DBT therapist here in California, and I met with that person a few times, but she didn’t take insurance, and then I lost even that. So I go it on my own and thank God that none of my self harm over the past 35 years or so has led to the end of me. I do want to live a happy and healthy life. But little is available directly related to BPD, and even less if you don’t have insurance. Health care costs are prohibitive in the US, especially if you have a pre-existing condition. It’s suppose to get better next year, but who knows? It would also help if my job included me in their health care, but the job I just started is only 4 hrs/day, so no health insurance. One day at a time is the best I can do.

      • That is so tough.

        But if you are able to go it alone, then maybe you’re OK at least in the meantime? How about getting a DBT workbook off of Amazon or something? I got one but have been too far gone to be able to go through it myself. Or I have gone through it but can’t put it in to practice.

        Is there any way you can get to a regular therapist that has experience working with people with BPD? Or is that not possible because you have no insurance? Some therapists can have that natural intuition and could still help you if you click with him/her.

        X

      • I hadn’t thought about getting a book from Amazon. That’s a great idea.Thanks, I’ll do that! That’s about the best I can do for now. Therapists here are about $150 or more an session – and many don’t take insurance, even if you have it.

  11. I was given a BPD diagnosis about a year ago. I am 50, so this came as quite a revelation. It has helped me understand myself more and, of course, it helps draw up coping strategies when we know exactly what we are dealing with.

    I look forward to reading your blog

  12. Hi Hawkruh
    I think that your blog deserves special recognition so I’ve nominated you for the Most Influential Blogger award. Here’s the link: http://www.howisbradley.com/ If you don’t accept award nominations, that’s okay, I’m still haply to give you the recognition you deserve.
    Bradley

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