Moments of intimacy brought me courage to share honestly. I did, saying that physical pain is easier for me than emotional pain. But I know I need to stay with the emotions and not avoid or hide in physical pain. And I asked, or maybe said I needed/wanted him to help me stay with the emotions. The answer was not what I wanted to hear. He, after all theses years of being around me and my emotions, needs to distance himself when my emotions hit. He’s paid his dues, emotionally, and needs to act in this way in order to take care of himself. How can I blame him? I can’t. I wish I’d had my revelation years ago when we were younger and I hadn’t put him through so much, yet. Maybe then he would have been willing to be with me as I tried to stay with my feelings/ emotions rather than self harming to avoid the emotional pain. I don’t blame him in the least for feeling this way. He has tried for decades already. Physical pain is so much easier. But it, my truth, has now been out on the table. I need to fight this battle on my own. Perhaps this is best and will make me stronger than if I count on someone being there to help hold me up. I guess this has to be my battle and mine alone so that I learn to be ok with myself … Would that be self loving? I have to be ok with myself, even if no one else is. Gulp! Wish me luck!
I’ve been trying to meditate several times a week lately. I enjoy it as a time of relaxation and calming of my mind and senses. There are several guided meditations that I’ve used, but the one I’ve focussed on most lately is: “Awakening Kundalini Meditation” by Kelly Howell. Usually, I feel very good and relaxed as the meditation opens up various areas of my body. At one point, energy is sent up the spine towards the head.
Yesterday, that upward push of energy was totally blocked and was almost painful. I felt very anxious throughout it. Instead of energy massaging my brain positively, I felt a churning cauldron of colors locked in my gut. The energy would go no higher than that. Fractured images of faces – not positive ones – appeared and disappeared in my mind’s eye. I found waiting and wanting the meditation to be over with.
I’ve never experienced this with meditation before. Is it connected with my weaning off of mood medications? My hope is that by continuing to work through and stay with the meditations, I will be able to stay grounded and flow with the energy, not blocking it. Something is trying to happen within me. Perhaps the meditation will keep me breathing and give me a path to turn to when I’d rather turn to negativity, rage, cutting, burning, hiding in my head and hating myself. I need to follow this uprising of feeling – even though it doesn’t feel so good. That’s exactly why I need to do it. Enlightenment.
It’s been pouring out for the last few days. Today, even the dog is smart enough to not or eat or drink as much as usual so that she doesn’t have to go out in it to relieve herself – and she’s only 5 months old!
This morning, my emotions were pouring out also. I was just commenting that I haven’t fought with my 16 year old son for days (G*D, he’s as stubborn as I am!) The blame for moving him away from friends and his girlfriend (that he didn’t have when we decided to move, bought the house or for 9 months thereafter before the move!) – the guilt for causing (or feeling I do) such misery in my son – the lack of control as he grows up and ,ichmmmm, independent. I feel like I’m a horrible mother, I know I’m not but I feel like I am. But I do the best I can and I love him with all my heart! So we fought/ argued. All I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and disappear, then cut, then burn and then throw myself through my bedroom window. I didn’t, but I wanted to, badly.
I feel like a black plague. Like slime oozing out and over everything in my path, turning sunshine into storms. I know this is not reality, but is psyche influencing the way I see my world and my interaction with it. I went back to bed thinking of pills, razors, burning and escaping emotional pain. What stops me? Would it make anything better for my son and husband? I don’t know. If I knew it would … but I don’t and so I’m still here and still hoping to make forward progress. Still hoping to find peace within myself. Still hoping that life can be lived full of joy – without self inflicting injuries to seal away outside pain, cauterizing my emotions.
After weeks of deep depression (those who read my blog know how I was struggling), I was reunited with my husband and a year of intense stress seemed to fall away. After reading the article I re-posted in my last post, and the reply to my comment I received, I was thinking that maybe most of the year had been an intense and long relapse. But it wasn’t because it had been building up for years. It was more of a culmination. Like a zit exploding. Slowly.
One thing I’ve know about myself my whole life is that I hate transitions. I guess that’s part of being impulsive. I don’t like the waiting, the journey, the process. Once I’ve decided, I want IT, I want it done, I want to be there, and so on. Transitions are difficult. No, not just difficult. They are downright hard at times. They offer up opportunities for change. If someone has said they will love you forever …. and they one day they say they don’t love you anymore – well, then, point proved. Transition. Over time (transition) they changed their mind. The same goes with saying they will be with you forever … You begin to see how people with such as myself, might have issues with transitions and the nuances of problems that can arise due to them.
Time is comprised of transitions. (That might even be something of it’s definition in a building block way.) But I get to bogged down in the enormity of it all if I try to dissect time and put it all back together, and that’s not the point of this particular post topic. If I want to stop the transition of time, I sit in my back yard garden where birds fly about, wind chime gently chime in the breeze the fountain gurgles, all seeming to bring time to a stand still in tranquility.
Zip back to my post title and the topic at hand … you all thought I was drifting off, I’ll bet! Anyways, long depression, anxiety, struggling with self harm, yadda yadda yadda … started to lift and feeling much better the last few weeks after reuniting with my husband and the sale of out old house 2,000 miles away and all together in our new house. New house, new state, new life? Then anxiety and depression, and even thinking (but not acting) about self harming started creeping back in very quickly over the last few days. Self doubt, fear of decisions and upcoming TRANSITIONS! Yesterday, I lay in bed thinking about it all and wondering about it all and how these behaviors and thoughts have been a prominent thread in the weaving of my life – probably more like the warp or weft of the weave that is the fabric of my life. Everything is built upon it. So, I thought back to how transitions have been the one thing I have always been aware of struggling with. Funny, that with all my behaviors I’ve never really been aware of what was consistent with them. My husband could have probably told you what would set me off, but I couldn’t. Forrest for the trees (sorry, I digress again!) All of a sudden it hit me that life was nothing but one long transition from birth to death. It’s a transition there is no way for me to impulsively avoid. Things WILL happen along the way. Some things I will influence, others, I will not. Much like when I decide to get up from my table here in my garden and return to my house. I can choose the time and the path, but there are rock and leaves in my path that I will step on that may cause me to slip. I didn’t put them there. I can scour the ground watching for them, but I will then not see the beauty of my garden and may even miss and walk into a low hanging branch. So I need to find balance enough to enjoy the transition back into my house.
Going back to work is a transition that is creating a lot of anxiety. I’ve always worked, though, being very high functioning and using work almost as a coping mechanism. Perhaps my anxiety means that I’m not quite ready to go back. I still need this recuperative time to find some internal peace, self soothing and care giving. The people closest to me have not been physical nurturers (huggers) and for some reason I’ve always craved physical touch. Maybe not my whole life. I don’t know. My first intimate relationship was very physical, but then he turned and was abusive. So something must be twisted up in there, confused in my mind. He fulfilled a need that no one else has, but then, abused me and there is a lot of shame and punishment connected with that. Mental moment. Bad transitional period into adulthood. So I punished myself.I’m trying to not punish myself now, but to let myself know when the time is right. It’s hard. waiting is a difficult transition.
Most transitions have been hard for me to handle. I’ve regretted the decisions I’ve made and felt ashamed of them, then tried to hide my poor judgement from others. I’ve tried to overcompensate by doing more than I was asked to so people wouldn’t notice how incompetent I was (shell game with my skills.) Or, I just plain wouldn’t make a decision so someone else would have to, and then I would suffer through the transition.
So here I am, realizing that life is one long transition comprised of a multitude of transitions. There’s no getting around them, under them, over them. I have to go THROUGH them. Even though I hate them. So please Almighty, help me to learn to like transitions (even a little) because live is a long one!