Hope

I have an appointment for a county evaluation this coming Thursday. Evaluations always confirm my BPD, depression and anxiety. It’s what can be done that I’m looking for.

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By the way, my dog Chi seems to be 100% again!the vet thinks it was an autoimmunity. Cortisone helped. I sure do love her. When I broke down last week, she quickly jumped up on my bed and curled into me as I sobbed. It was the first time she’d jumped up on the bed in a month. She did it for me.

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Chi update

Thanks for all the kind thoughts for my dog, Chi. It’s been two weeks, but she’s slowly getting better. There’s a little bounce in her step, her tail is wagging, she wants to interact with us … but doesn’t really want to play or go for a hike yet. Things really turned around after she got a cortisone shot, and some different medications (and prednisone.) I worry that the underlying cause has to do with the bones in her hips and hind legs. I don’t know if she will be ok for the long term after the medication course is done, or if we will have a good spell and then need to repeat. She’s only a year old. I hope to have many years of love with her still. But for now, I’ll enjoy what we have. She was a lifesaver, last fall, when I was REALLY depressed and needed her unconditional love. She gave it as only a puppy or dog can.  IMG_1682 IMG_2339 IMG_1371

 

 

Worry and Panic about my dog

Chi

Chi

 

My dog has been lethargic the last several days. She ran and played hard on Friday. Saturday found her quiet and sleeping. A little stiff, I thought. Same same on Sunday. I began wondering if she’d picked up a bug. That  would take a few days to work through, so I tried to be patient on Monday. By Monday night, I noticed that her stool was very soft, though not diarrhea. She continues to eat, but only wants to get up when she needs to go outside. I was gone for several hours yesterday (Tuesday) and didn’t get home until early evening. Still very lethargic. My husband noticed that some bumps were showing on her snout. Bumps like the ones that erupted on  her snout last spring – and she was on two antibiotics for weeks. Ears down, tail down, trouble getting up from her bed. I felt desolate with worry about what was going on. She’s only a year old.

I was up with her for a couple of hours during the night. She did walk outside (it may have helped hearing deer munching on the twigs and leaves of branches we had trimmed, right next to the.) This morning, she  is walking a little better, but still doesn’t want to get up.  Thankfully, I’m able to get her into the vet’s office in a few hours. So, stool sample in hand (in a baggie), I hope to get some answers and help for her soon. She’s my baby girl, after all, and has been there for me through a lot of depression last fall. She’s my Chi.

Speaking Up and Falling Down

Me being thrown during my black belt test

I’ve got things I want to say but I’m not sure how to say them. When I’m angry, I have no trouble spewing out whatever is on my mind – and then some. But it’s a whole other story when I’m not raging. And those are the important times. Recently, the issue and discussion (or fear thereof) is about health insurance. We don’t have any. My meds are running out and we’re not getting any younger.

There’s a different feel to speaking up for something as opposed to ranting. When it’s shot down or disagreed with, I feel like I’ve been picked up and slammed down.  I cringe and shrivel up inside having spoken up and not met with agreement but discord. I feel stupid. Worthless. Insignificant. Fretful. And for some reason, a little afraid.

Should I acquiesce so easily, only sharing my concerns when I’m raging in anger and frustration? Then, I’m the crazy mother, the wife who has no excuse for her behavior (as opposed to the son who is, after all, only acting like the 16 year old he is.) I know this sounds like a lot of negativity about my husband. In his defense, he’s lived with me and my erratic behavior and emotional instability and fragility for over 30 years.  He’s tired. My response seems to be grinding my teeth at night (a real treat when I’m already wearing a cpap mask!), holding my breath and avoiding topics that seem to be constantly on my mind.

When the 16 year old was younger, we didn’t argue so often.

 

The answer is up to me. He tells me that I’m free to buy insurance with what money we have – and it’s a bit, but I expected it to be for housing and groceries and such for later years in life. I also suck when it comes to money matters and making decisions. My anxiety goes into overdrive and I can’t seem to tell the difference between A or B even if they are the only two options provided. The only other alternative is my returning to work, even though I’m not quite ready. Master’s degree in hand, I may end up taking a job in a pet store,that offers insurance to employees, because it will be less stressful that trying to find and obtain a job that utilizes all of my education and experience.  If that’s the case, I’m ok with it. Who knows – it may be a foot in the door with the company and lead to more as I am ready to take it on.

Our pup carrying her basket of toys to the living room