I just realized …

I just realized I haven’t written in about a week. I have been busy reading other blogs, playing with my puppy (3 months old), making new friends here through swimming class. TODAY, my outlook is good. I’ve had periods of sadness, anger, anxiety … the gamut that usually torment me … but not for sustained periods. The blogs of others, especially  Jaen Wirefly’s (You Know You’re Borderline When …) posts on mindfulness and Gypsy’s (Through my eyes: Adventures in Boreline Land) reminder to think positively. Others have shared progress going on in their lives (Mandi) and just shared some humorous anecdotes about their family and children (John the Aussie). There are others and you’ve all kept me moving forward!

My husband now is employed, almost full time, although still no benefits, so that takes some of the worry off. He is not pressuring me to go back to work yet. I want to, but don’t feel the time is right just now. Making friends and building that support network, here in a new environment, is what I need to do first. The people in our community are very friendly and welcoming. I’m putting forth the effort to make friends, which I never really did before. I’m struggling with parenting a 16 year old boy – who is a great kid, but is still a 16 year old boy with all that that entails. Thank God I’m not a single parent!

Having more than a day or two in a row without the yuk is kind of scary, but good. I’ve been having days with short periods of distress that I’ve been able to stay with and not succumb to. I appreciate the good days and know the bad days won’t last forever. But I know this “thing” won’t ever leave me for good also, and that’s somewhat distressing – but is what it is and not an excuse to check out. I do have a son to set an example for. 

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Sliding down through good feelings

Here’s where it gets tricky … I made some good choices, decisions on my own that I felt good about. Felt good. Now, as I settle back and start to feel comfortable, the anxiety rushes in and the urge to self harm (cut and burn) rises. Why does this happen? I find this very perplexing. Is it all about not being OK with life being OK? Do I really need to create havoc in my life? I’m sitting in the library and the local hardware store is just across the street. I left my Exacto knives back in Wisconsin, but it would only take a few minutes to walk over and buy a new one, sharp and clean. A passion rises up in my chest at the thought of it. It can become an addiction, a reaction to strong emotions. Yesterday was filled with the anxiety and fear of buying a car. A little while ago, my husband called about a couple who had come to see the house and were thrilled with it, and had just sold their old house, I may have made some new friends today (so lots of intense emotions going on – on top of missing my husband) I REALLY WANT TO CUT!!!!!!!! And if I call anyone, I won’t cut, so that tells me what???? That I don’t want to get better? That I’m not ready?  That I’m not ready to be open and honest about giving up behaviors? HOW do I do this???? I also had a conversation this morning with a local teacher. That had me thinking about work, insurance, will I be able to work, how much, my disability and where my claim is at, the phone call I made to my psychiatrist’s office this morning about my medication …. that might have added to the anxiety a little …. I also woke up very early … ended up sleeping on the floor in my husband’s t-shirt.  When my son woke me up I started crying. Then I smile and act normal – everything’s A-OK!  But I really want to cut. Tally marks in my leg until my husband is out here with us. But would that be enough then, or would I need more? What will ever be enough?

Some days, be it one at a time or a run of many, I feel so completely normal that I could do anything asked of me or that I chose to do. Other days, like today, my insides are a whirling dervish of emotions, thoughts, ideas, and everything is on hyper-drive with  thoughts changing before they have even completely formed. My breathing barely makes it to the back of my teeth, much less down into my diaphragm!

Alone is not a good place for me to be. And that is where I am right now. OK – I’m not going to go to the  hardware store. Today.

English: graphic convention of manga, sweating...

 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

California

This could end up being a lengthy post so let me begin by saying that it is my first official morning as a California resident and I suddenly was filled to the brim with emotions of sadness. Yesterday was hard, though not as much as I anticipated, until later in the evening after my son had done nothing but tell me how bad my driving was (he was great in other ways, but not about my driving) and bla bla bla until I almost lost it and came close to putting my fist through a wall. I think I took twice as much lorazepam , spread out over the day, as I usually do because my anxiety was so high. But I did leave a message for my psychiatrist to let him know that I had done so. I would have been in a full blown panic attack in the air if I hadn’t taken the extra. I’m sure the passengers and crew appreciated my decisions on each leg of the flight. I did get a couple of texts throughout the day that reminded me that I was not alone. They helped and made me smile for a few moments. Other than the driving thing, my son was great!

So now is the first day of the rest of my life, as they say. Is it OK that I slept with the sweaty t-shirt that my husband last wore (and was about to throw out) curled around my head? I put it in a plastic bag this morning to help keep his smell there longer. I have no idea when I’ll see him and my heart is already breaking with missing him.

With the emotions come the urges to self harm, but not suicidal. Lots of urges. So far, no actions, just urges.

I need to get my day going. I have a long list of things to do that go along with this job of … Shudddddderr … being on your own for a while. I have to remember to breathe deeper than my chin or throat, and to do it often! Then I should be OK. One breath at a time.

Baggage Department?

Baggage Dept

Baggage Dept (Photo credit: Noël Zia Lee)

What baggage am I leaving here and what baggage am I taking with me? Physical and psychological?

Today is my last day in Wisconsin before moving 2000 miles and being on my own for the first time in my life. It may be a shortish time, or a long time, depending on how long it takes for our house here to sell so that my husband can join me. Most people learn to do the things I’ll be doing when they are in their early 20s. But I’ve never been alone. Partly because I’m a twin, and my BPD kept me attached to her as we grew up in terms of friends and identity. As she and I grew older, I was dating my later to become husband. All of my attachments for friends, identity and decisions then became focused around him. I always deferred to him. Political views, music, purchases, big things like that. On top of abandonment issues. So now, I have to be the one to step away (because I truly get too muddled when it comes to selling our house, and I want to get started on the new home environment), try to put on my big girl panties (YIKES!!! on so many levels) and jump out of the plane 2000 miles away where we don’t know anyone, I don’t have a job, etc.

Yesterday I said good-bye to my parents. I’ve tried to spend a lot of time with them over the past couple of weeks. I think that helped. My mom still can’t say the words “I love you” out loud, but I know she does. Very much. We spent the last few days teaching her how to use skype video calling. She’ll be a master of it!

Skype Technologies S.A. logo

 

I’m already feeling anxious this morning. Everything I want to take isn’t fitting into my suitcases and that means that there will be an argument with  my 16 year old as I tell him he has to use a different case to accommodate some of my things, even though it will just be a checked bag. But maybe it will be a moment that occasionally happens and he will say OK. It can happen. That would be nice.

Over the last few days I have had a few instances when I wanted to cut in reaction to emotions. Feeling invalidated. I know these are usually times when I am experiencing emotions overly strongly, but the thoughts of self harm are like lightning flashes – I WANT TO SLASH ACROSS MY STOMACH! – But I’m not acting on them, just hearing the words in my head as an emotional reaction. At my last meeting with my psychiatrist, I told him that I consciously packed my exacto knives to be moved with the majority of the house, not with the things I am taking now. I know it’s somewhat irrelevant because I can always go and buy another, but it was the stopping and thinking about it. The decision not to take them with me. If I decided to hurt myself, there’s ALWAYS something available. I can be very creative. But I do want to be healthy. I do want to be happy.

emotion icon

emotion icon (Photo credit: Łukasz Strachanowski)

Time is slipping away

I’m down to just a few days before the move … gulp! Tomorrow morning is my last meeting with my psychiatrist here, and I don’t have a new one set up in CA, just a psychologist, if she works out. thin thread of connection ….

I’m really thinking about the full size voodoo doll John suggested! How could I contrive a device that would make it bleed so that I wouldn’t have to?

One good thing happened though. Someone did find the pouch I had my license and insurance card and money in when I went to see Roger Waters and they called (they only live 20 minutes from me and the concert was 2 1/2 hours away!) I’m meeting them to get it back this afternoon. I already spent the money to have my license reissued, but it’s still nice to know that there are honest people out there who aren’t out to steal your information.

The good-bye gatherings are over. I’m about done packing. Luckily, I having broken down in tears during them, which has made them much more comfortable. It will be different with my parents though. I’m desperately trying to get them using skype. My mom, at 87, is struggling with it. Time to remind her of my new mantra … Where there is life, there is hope! (How many of you have I posted that to lately?!)

At one of my good-bye gatherings of work friends (special educators) I was told that when your journey comes to a fork in the road and one direction is less comfortable or easy that the other, it is the path you are meant to take. That is my journey now into recovery. Into California, without my husband being at my side right away. Into a new life. It won’t be easy. But I know I can do it and will be a better and stronger person for choosing that path.

English: Fork in the path up The Cobbler

English: Fork in the path up The Cobbler (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Over the next couple of weeks, my posts may be sporadic. I will do my best to check in, even if by “liking” posts that I regularly follow and commenting with a brief word or two. I’ll post when I can.

Peace and love to you all! – Hawkruh (Hawk)

Post Note:I connected with the guy who found my drivers license today. He refused to accept any reward! There still are good people. What a joy. Also, the man who painted our front room thinks his nephew might be interested in buying our house.. Maybe things are turning around. Time will tell. I’m feeling in a good place at this moment in time. I think I will  be mindful and enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

I believe our true nature is joy

I believe our true nature is joy (Photo credit: HeedingtheMuses)

I need some feedback on this explanation for my husband. PLEASE!

emotion

emotion (Photo credit: photo.anger)

I’m trying to clarify what’s going on with me for my husband – how he seems to perceive it vs how I perceive it. But I’d like to get some feedback from you who follow my blog to see if what I’ve written makes sense. Please help me to clarify this as much as I can for him. He loves me and I love him.

Here’s how it seems that you see me – please correct me if and where I am wrong. And then I will attempt to explain how I perceive myself to you.

Here seems to be what we’ve both observed: I don’t do well with calmness. I need to keep my plate full to overfull.

* You told me that I seem to seek out things to get upset about. And if those get resolved, I find other things.
* I need to be upset. I need to feel like a martyr

* I take little things and make them into big things.
* I pick on Peter, or you

* I take things too personally
* I don’t see how little wrongs are in the big picture ( I can’t tolerate them) all or nothing
* I obsess
* I look for things to be wrong

* I don’t seem to want to be happy

_____________________________________________________

OK, Here’s what it feels like from inside me … pretty  creepy some times

* ANGER upsets me: mine, yours, Dad’s – anyone’s. Loud voices, doors slamming, screams. It doesn’t have to be directed at me even. But I’m always afraid it will be. It can be in a movie, a book, taking place in my vicinity, caused by me, aimed at me,  …

* I feel very anxious about … everything … my work (that I can’t do it right, have become incompetent ….etc) moving, making decisions, choices I’ve make that have impact where we’re at in life now, how I’ve been as a parent, wife, daughter, what I’ll do after we move.
* I love you very much and most of the time I feel that you know best about everything. However, there are moments, when my thinking gets twisted and I lose sight of that and only see what I’m upset about, and can’t see the good for the bad (so to speak) It’s called black and white thinking. This doesn’t happen often, but like my anger, is like a switch being flipped. impulsive.
* Sometimes, when we’re arguing, I may seem to drift off and to seem to be taking what you’re saying very seriously. What it is it that I can’t connect with what you’re saying so I dissociate from it. This doesn’t happen often, only when I’m really upset by what’s being said  like when you said you didn’t think you could stay with me. I just couldn’t register that.

* Nothing seems top be able to remain “little” in my mind. It’s not that I TRY to take little thing and make them into big things, it’s just that by having them around as “issues”, they hale me avoid myself – what are actually the real big issues. Same with picking fights with Peter and you. keeping it away from myself, – I’m not the problem. When I really am. What my problem is is how emotionally sensitive I am an how difficult it is for me to control y emotions. That seems to be why I try and divert everything away from MY emotions and onto someone else’ or some other situation.
* I keep thinking that if someone or something forces me to come face to face with myself, without the ability to run away from  it, I’ll be in a sink or swim situation. And I hope it’ll be a swim. Sit me down, force me to face my demons, my feelings, finding out that I won’t actually die from them. I just don’t seem to be able to see things as they really are. I try to, but it’s always distorted.

* When there’s nothing going on to keep me preoccupied, it’s a very uncomfortable feeling. I don’t know what to do! That’s where impulsive behavior can come in, I HAVE to do SOMETHING to have some kind of feeling. If I don’t, other feeling seep in that can be uncomfortable to deal with. And when they do, my behaviors can become even more out of control to try and push those feelings down (cutting, burning, yelling/anger erratic driving – ask Peter)
* I need to learn to tolerate them and listen to the part of my mind that says it’s ok. This move may be a part of that change in me.

* Right now I find myself hyper sensitive to emotions of sadness, loneliness, and fear of loss. I’ve always been afraid of losing you even though you remain with me. Abandonment

Rodger Waters: The Wall

I don’t know how many of you are familiar with Rodger Waters (previously of Pink Floyd) and his epic piece The Wall that was originally produced and performed 33 years ago. Well, my husband, son and I are going to see him in Chicago in June. I just got done watching an interview with him on 60 Minutes and it reminded me of how powerful The Wall is. A childhood without a father, walls between relationships, desperateness. It will be a great show – and emotionally overwhelming. I know parts will hit very close to sensitive nerves.I may just wish to become … comfortably numb.

Cover of "Pink Floyd The Wall"

Roger Waters To Appear On 60 Minutes This Sunday (wncx.cbslocal.com) Cover of Pink Floyd The Wall

The last few days have been especially emotional for me as I deal with impending separation/loss of friends and family due to our move. Every bit of sadness seems to send me over the edge. Every disagreement spurs a rage in defense of a possible loss. Abandonment seems to surround me.  I’m afraid  to speak out. When I do, if there is disagreement, it rapidly escalates (by me). Last night, my husband went to help chaperone a party the neighbor boys were having for our son, knowing that if I did and anything needed an intervention I would over react. He did need to address a situation with a boy, and was able to do it. When he told me how it had evolved today, I realized how much I would have over reacted and probably ended the night for our son, instead of just the situation. Once I start going, I don’t seem to be able to rein it back in until the damage has been done. And I seem to have to shame others in it as well. That’s really shitty.

A metaphorical visualization of the word Anger.

A metaphorical visualization of the word Anger. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Tomorrow is the last day I will be seeing my psychologist before I move next month. She’s going into private practice (part time.) My anxiety is increasing as the move gets closer. I think that’s why the sad emotions are getting so out of whack. I don’t seem to be getting quite as angry, so that’s good.

I’ve been frustrated with my mom because she’s obviously having some difficulty with us moving, but trying to hide it. I’ve invited her over for coffee Tuesday morning. I’m going to attempt to (as another blogger said) use sand paper to pop a pimple. Hopefully, if it’s just the two of us, I can help her to actually open up and maybe cry with me about it. My mom has never been one to show her sadness. Maybe showing it together will bring us closer. I know I’m taking a BIG chance here, but I can’t leave without taking this chance. I don’t think it will hurt, and it might just help us both.