Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Lately I’ve doubted myself a lot. Quite a lot. I’ve doubted my ability to be a decent wife and a competent mother. I’ve wondered if my husband and son would be better off if I left. All I seem to bring to our lives is chaos, anger and arguments. My emotions then plummet into turmoil and depression, self doubt, questioning any value I offer to anyone by my presence. I feel as if I make every day, every situation worse. I no longer know what to say or do that will have a positive effect for myself or those I care about, so I’m afraid of each interaction – no matter how small it may be.

Shambhala Card

#5

To overcome uncertainty is utterly good.

Commentary:Uncertainty here refers to doubting yourself or the existence of basic goodness. When you don’t punish or condemn yourself, when you relax and appreciate your body  and mind, you begin to contact basic goodness in yourself. So it is extremely important  to be willing to open yourself to  yourself.

As human beings, we have a working basis within us that allows us to uplift our state of existence and cheer up fully. Because we have a mind and body, we can comprehend this world. Existence is wonderful and precious. We don’ know how long we will live. While we have our life. why not make use of it? Before we even make use of it, why don’t we appreciate it?

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I really feel I should be writing a new post by now, but I’ve been too depressed. I’m working on a poem/piece of writing about a room that helps you recover memories, but it’s not done. I’m trying to keep up with everyone’s blogs as best I can. It helps to read them. I’ve things I want to say, but don’t want to keep being a downer. It’s frustrating that this disorder that was suppose to dissipate in my 40’s has not only NOT done that, but has flared up and gotten worse than it’s been in years. There’s things I’m afraid to say to anyone, here or off the internet. So they stay in my head.

I need some feedback on this explanation for my husband. PLEASE!

emotion

emotion (Photo credit: photo.anger)

I’m trying to clarify what’s going on with me for my husband – how he seems to perceive it vs how I perceive it. But I’d like to get some feedback from you who follow my blog to see if what I’ve written makes sense. Please help me to clarify this as much as I can for him. He loves me and I love him.

Here’s how it seems that you see me – please correct me if and where I am wrong. And then I will attempt to explain how I perceive myself to you.

Here seems to be what we’ve both observed: I don’t do well with calmness. I need to keep my plate full to overfull.

* You told me that I seem to seek out things to get upset about. And if those get resolved, I find other things.
* I need to be upset. I need to feel like a martyr

* I take little things and make them into big things.
* I pick on Peter, or you

* I take things too personally
* I don’t see how little wrongs are in the big picture ( I can’t tolerate them) all or nothing
* I obsess
* I look for things to be wrong

* I don’t seem to want to be happy

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OK, Here’s what it feels like from inside me … pretty  creepy some times

* ANGER upsets me: mine, yours, Dad’s – anyone’s. Loud voices, doors slamming, screams. It doesn’t have to be directed at me even. But I’m always afraid it will be. It can be in a movie, a book, taking place in my vicinity, caused by me, aimed at me,  …

* I feel very anxious about … everything … my work (that I can’t do it right, have become incompetent ….etc) moving, making decisions, choices I’ve make that have impact where we’re at in life now, how I’ve been as a parent, wife, daughter, what I’ll do after we move.
* I love you very much and most of the time I feel that you know best about everything. However, there are moments, when my thinking gets twisted and I lose sight of that and only see what I’m upset about, and can’t see the good for the bad (so to speak) It’s called black and white thinking. This doesn’t happen often, but like my anger, is like a switch being flipped. impulsive.
* Sometimes, when we’re arguing, I may seem to drift off and to seem to be taking what you’re saying very seriously. What it is it that I can’t connect with what you’re saying so I dissociate from it. This doesn’t happen often, only when I’m really upset by what’s being said  like when you said you didn’t think you could stay with me. I just couldn’t register that.

* Nothing seems top be able to remain “little” in my mind. It’s not that I TRY to take little thing and make them into big things, it’s just that by having them around as “issues”, they hale me avoid myself – what are actually the real big issues. Same with picking fights with Peter and you. keeping it away from myself, – I’m not the problem. When I really am. What my problem is is how emotionally sensitive I am an how difficult it is for me to control y emotions. That seems to be why I try and divert everything away from MY emotions and onto someone else’ or some other situation.
* I keep thinking that if someone or something forces me to come face to face with myself, without the ability to run away from  it, I’ll be in a sink or swim situation. And I hope it’ll be a swim. Sit me down, force me to face my demons, my feelings, finding out that I won’t actually die from them. I just don’t seem to be able to see things as they really are. I try to, but it’s always distorted.

* When there’s nothing going on to keep me preoccupied, it’s a very uncomfortable feeling. I don’t know what to do! That’s where impulsive behavior can come in, I HAVE to do SOMETHING to have some kind of feeling. If I don’t, other feeling seep in that can be uncomfortable to deal with. And when they do, my behaviors can become even more out of control to try and push those feelings down (cutting, burning, yelling/anger erratic driving – ask Peter)
* I need to learn to tolerate them and listen to the part of my mind that says it’s ok. This move may be a part of that change in me.

* Right now I find myself hyper sensitive to emotions of sadness, loneliness, and fear of loss. I’ve always been afraid of losing you even though you remain with me. Abandonment

Hi … ? Needing information from other BPDs

Ahh Doctor can I have another

Ahh Doctor can I have another

I want to post today, but I’m at a loss for words. I’m done with my day/group therapy using CBT. It was part of what I need, but definitely not all. I had just gotten to the point of understanding some coping skills, and then BAM, I was done with the program. I’m still working on setting up therapy in CA, but nothing definitive yet. I see my psychiatrist this week and really need to find an alternative to Lamotrgine that doesn’t cause weight gain. On it, I gained 25 pounds in 2 months! Considering I had just lost about 15 pound, this was devastating. If it continues, I’m worried that it will trigger unhealthy self harming behavior.

Obesity Campaign Poster

Obesity Campaign Poster (Photo credit: Pressbound)

This was not good at all. I’m now about 100 pounds over weight (at my best weight) but would be ok with being 10-15 pound above what the charts say. Comes down to being very over weight, no matter how you look at it. The only med for mood stabilization that I was able to locate information online about is Topomax. Has anyone heard of or used it? Do you know of any other medication that doesn’t cause weight gain? I was taken off of Abilify because it caused me to be very constipated. However, I’ve been off it for 4-5 days and am still bound up. Once a week bowel movements are not ok with me! I’ve done some research and most mood stabilizers cause weight gain.

Mainly, today I am trying to find anything I can about Topomax and/or other mood stabilizers that don’t cause weight gain. And, are there any readers in the Sacramento area that are in DBT who can help me find a good therapist and group.

Thanks everyone!

The Good the Bad and the Fearful

Middle of the night Friday/Saturday: Dave was distant last night. Not speaking directly to me. I feel lost, isolated from him – the one person I want to be close to. And I’m what’s pushing us apart. Me and my illness. Has it become too late for him to help me through this? I feel awful. I want to reach into the wood stove and grab some embers to burn myself. But I’m not. For the moment. I so want to be held and nurtured and comforted. It seems as likely to happen as getting water out of a rock.

I just went to the stove, opened it and found a hot coal. I wanted to put it in my belly button – symbolism there, right! But I put it down and closed the door. No burn. It’s been suggested (in a book?) that I draw on my body where I would cut or burn. I haven’t tried that because it doesn’t seem as satisfying. I WANT there to be injury. There’s usually very little pain if any. I can feel the skin being cut. The deeper the cut, the less pain and it becomes more of a detached observation. And I wonder what a stab feels like. With burning, I’ve found that if I focus on it, there is little actual pain and it can almost feel cold. I’ve noticed that over the years when I’ve had that rash on my hand and was running hit water over them. It felt more cold than hot. Is it detachment? Is it like when I shut down during difficult conversations and find myself expressing very little emotion, voice getting quieter and losing affect, body not moving? If I become very still, maybe my heart won’t hurt so much.

This wall between us is driving me crazy. I want to talk, but am afraid to initiate it, and Dave won’t.

Need to sleep . Lorazepam time.

Waiting by the Phone for the Journey to Begin

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I’m suppose to get in an intensive outpatient program. It’s suppose to  carry me through the next couple of months until my family and I move. I’ve called the facility but all the intake lines are busy. So now I’m waiting by the phone. Always waiting. I’m gone next week so I need to know if I should go do the intake assessment tomorrow or wait until I get back. Big question of the day. But it can’t be answered until they call back. So, I sit here and wait by the phone. Each moment making me more anxious. It’s a scary enough action for me to take, without this anticipation of a call and having to explain it all again. Breathe! Breathe. Writing helps. It keeps my hands busy, if not my mind. And if I’m typing, I can’t be cutting or burning. Either of those would bring relief to this anxiety. I’m afraid of opening myself to others. My self-deprecation tells me my issues aren’t as bad as anyone else, so I shouldn’t take up their time. Opening myself to others, being vulnerable, is a trigger for me. It’s kind of a need to show them how much I hurt inside. I never feel that people believe me. Just get up, brush yourself off and get on with life. Wish it were that easy.

Now it’s 5 hours later and the call never came. Not much help to my anxiety about doing this. When I talked to the operator she said that all the lines were busy at intake. Maybe it was a technical problem and not someone neglecting to get back to me. Let’s hope. Anxious enough spending a few hours with my elderly parents. My dad gets aggravated and his voice raises.  It makes me cringe inside and want to get away.  It’s a tone I’ve always reacted to. I had to leave the apartment for a few minutes, until he was done, so I guess I actually took care of myself! I didn’t stay and make myself endure it. Now, tomorrow morning I need to call the program facility again and see what’s up. UGH!!

When my psychol…

2000 Miles Apart : Oh Hai New Camra!

2000 Miles Apart : Oh Hai New Camra! (Photo credit: ericarhiannon)

When my psychologist identified, to me, that I have BPD, she said it was important that I get into a DBT program because it is the most successful in dealing with BPD. The only one in my area has a very good reputation, but couldn’t get me in for 4 months, and I will be moving 2000 miles away at that point. It’s been a challenge to find a program that can help me in the interim. I don’t know if I suffered childhood abuse. What I do know is this: my dad was not often around. My mom loves us very much, but has extreme difficulty in being a nurturing (in word and action) parent. Even now, if I tell her that I love her, she is most likely to say: likewise. It hurts, a lot. But I don’t blame her. It was the way she was raised, by a father who was conservative in action and word, and an immigrant mother who saw her way through life by hard work and sacrifice. My mother has never felt that HER mother accepted her as good enough. So it is understandable that my mother didn’t know how to be nurturing. I don’t blame her, but I desperately needed something that she was/is unable to provide.

I know that this is something I also struggle with in my relationship with my husband. He is not very publicly affectionate, or privately for that matter. Sometimes I desperately feel the need to be held and comforted. He does not understand this. His hug is one armed,even when I want the security of both arms wrapped around me. I know he loves me; he wouldn’t still be with me if he didn’t. But I need something that is outside of his nature to give. Is this what they mean when they say we marry our mother or father? All I can say is “SIGH!!!” Talk about a viscous cycle! But I am determined to find a way through recovery so that my husband and I can still find joy and happiness together. We do love each other. It’s all the other stuff that gets in the way.