Moments of intimacy brought me courage to share honestly. I did, saying that physical pain is easier for me than emotional pain. But I know I need to stay with the emotions and not avoid or hide in physical pain. And I asked, or maybe said I needed/wanted him to help me stay with the emotions. The answer was not what I wanted to hear. He, after all theses years of being around me and my emotions, needs to distance himself when my emotions hit. He’s paid his dues, emotionally, and needs to act in this way in order to take care of himself. How can I blame him? I can’t. I wish I’d had my revelation years ago when we were younger and I hadn’t put him through so much, yet. Maybe then he would have been willing to be with me as I tried to stay with my feelings/ emotions rather than self harming to avoid the emotional pain. I don’t blame him in the least for feeling this way. He has tried for decades already. Physical pain is so much easier. But it, my truth, has now been out on the table. I need to fight this battle on my own. Perhaps this is best and will make me stronger than if I count on someone being there to help hold me up. I guess this has to be my battle and mine alone so that I learn to be ok with myself … Would that be self loving? I have to be ok with myself, even if no one else is. Gulp! Wish me luck!
I have an appointment for a county evaluation this coming Thursday. Evaluations always confirm my BPD, depression and anxiety. It’s what can be done that I’m looking for.
By the way, my dog Chi seems to be 100% again!the vet thinks it was an autoimmunity. Cortisone helped. I sure do love her. When I broke down last week, she quickly jumped up on my bed and curled into me as I sobbed. It was the first time she’d jumped up on the bed in a month. She did it for me.
My father passed away early this morning. It was peaceful and his family was with him as he went. I am so very grateful for all the support I’ve had from fellow bloggers as it helped me to be in a place where I can more steadily bear this loss. If it had bee a year ago, it would have been a very different story.
Thank you all.
I just realized I haven’t written in about a week. I have been busy reading other blogs, playing with my puppy (3 months old), making new friends here through swimming class. TODAY, my outlook is good. I’ve had periods of sadness, anger, anxiety … the gamut that usually torment me … but not for sustained periods. The blogs of others, especially Jaen Wirefly’s (You Know You’re Borderline When …) posts on mindfulness and Gypsy’s (Through my eyes: Adventures in Boreline Land) reminder to think positively. Others have shared progress going on in their lives (Mandi) and just shared some humorous anecdotes about their family and children (John the Aussie). There are others and you’ve all kept me moving forward!
My husband now is employed, almost full time, although still no benefits, so that takes some of the worry off. He is not pressuring me to go back to work yet. I want to, but don’t feel the time is right just now. Making friends and building that support network, here in a new environment, is what I need to do first. The people in our community are very friendly and welcoming. I’m putting forth the effort to make friends, which I never really did before. I’m struggling with parenting a 16 year old boy – who is a great kid, but is still a 16 year old boy with all that that entails. Thank God I’m not a single parent!
Having more than a day or two in a row without the yuk is kind of scary, but good. I’ve been having days with short periods of distress that I’ve been able to stay with and not succumb to. I appreciate the good days and know the bad days won’t last forever. But I know this “thing” won’t ever leave me for good also, and that’s somewhat distressing – but is what it is and not an excuse to check out. I do have a son to set an example for.
I talked to my psychiatrist about going off of Lamotrigine and on Topomax as a mood stabilizer. The Lamotrigine made me gain 25 pounds in 2 months! Not good and there was no way I could continue on that path. Trigger trigger trigger! Luckily, he agreed. The mood stabilizer really helps me regulate my anger, but lately I’ve found myself to be hyper sensitive to dieing – in movies, books, thinking about friends and family, and filling out my advance directive. That might not have been a good activity for me to do. The directive, that is. I already knew how I was reacting to thoughts of people dieing. I was doing fine, or at least ok, until I got to the part that actually said, “When you die …” I couldn’t take it! I ran out of the house and broke down. I guess it means I’m not suicidal, even though I self harm and do picture myself doing things like driving into trees at 80 mph. What a reality check! So now I’m wondering how the Topomax will work. Does anyone have experience with it? It was the only one I could find, in all my research, that didn’t have weight gain as a significant side effect. The one thing I don’t like about mood stabilizers is my inability to feel any emotion in a normal way. All or nothing. Put a lid on it.
In 6 weeks I will be moving 2000 miles away to a new home. If our house here doesn’t sell, I will be moving with our son while my husband stays here to finish selling the house. What does this mean? MEGA stress! It would be a stressful situation even if I didn’t have BPD. But I do. So, please keep me in your thoughts as the middle of June (and thereafter) approaches. I hope to be in a DBT program right after the move, but nothings been set up for sure yet. I know sadness will be a difficult emotion for me to deal with during the transition. My elderly parents will be here, not there. My husband will probably be here, not there. Friends? Well I really don’t have any so that’s not a problem. I do plan on REALLY trying to make friends when I move. I know I need more of a support system than I have here, and it will be up to me to develop it.
That’s all for now.