Mindfulness

I haven’t written for awhile now. I’m stuck. Trying counselling, but don’t know if it’s helping. I cry a lot – at the mention of my father, future losses, failures I think I’ve had with my son and husband. I cry because I can’t go back in time to change what I said or did. I cry because I’m afraid of what I’ve lost or might lose.  It’s oppressive at times.

The counselor tells me to keep practicing mindfulness, and that some of the things I share with her indicate that I am being mindful at times. She reminds me that I can’t change the past or predict the future. Bemoaning and anxiety. I keep trying. It is SO hard though. Emotions run amuck. Sensations of the walls of the past and future close in around me, leaving little room for mindfulness. The pressure of the past and future engulf me, causing me to panic and forget where I’m at. I suppose that as I practice being mindful, I should get stronger and be able to push the walls back into place. At least that’s what I think my counselor would say if I shared my analogy with her. Is the goal then to push them back until the room they shape (my life) is as large as possible?

Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

 

 

 

momentary glimpses of bits and pieces of thoughts

This posting may include rambling and disconnected thoughts.

Screen Shot 2012-12-30 at 11.24.13 AM


I’ve just been catching up on reading blogs I follow. There are a lot of them and they are all over the  place. There’s always something, however small, that I’ve connected with in the blogger that has me going back to their blog. In reading this morning, I’ve been transported back years in my own situation to when I was hospitalized and feeling isolated from the world by my “issues”. I’ve remembered a friend’s terrible depression after the suicide of her husband.  I  see joy in the world in some blogs, though photography that I wish I could emulate. Physical medical issues have come up reminding me of years I worked in a bread factory while struggling with depression and bulimia.

Looking at my last post, and the pictures of myself, is not setting well right now. I can’t stand the sight of myself. I know I could edit the post and delete the pictures, but that’s not the point. There I am in my horrible hugeness after feasting (compulsively) my way through Christmas. I know my mom looks at my size with disdain, though she seldom says things directly to me, because of my eating disorder history, but will comment on how big other people are. I doubt she even realizes it, and it probably comes from her own issues with food and body size, but I hear and feel and internalize it all. I’m ashamed of all the weight I’ve gained, how big I am. It’s hard for me to see pictures of myself that are more than just my face. You’ve heard the phrase, “just a shadow of their former self,” well I’m the opposite. I look back at pictures when I was deep in the throes of bulimia. Just my body, not my face, was thin – THIN. I’ve never been able to have that healthily. The holidays – or anytime there’s a buffet or large amounts of food – trigger the eating disorder in me. I can’t puke because it gives me terrible chest pains, though I do still sometimes try. When I can’t puke, I feel worse because I’m stuck with the food in me! Wishing the restrictive behaviors of anorexia upon myself. But I always had to gorge and purge. Anger?

I read about people talking and working with their therapists. I’m jealous. It seems like you’re covering ground. Maybe the few therapists I worked with weren’t the best match. I need someone to push me. Otherwise I hold it all in  and smile up to my top lip. Like my mom. Medications help, but they aren’t here now. I’m not feeling bad right now. But haven’t faced eating yet, talked to anyone or heard how things are going with my son. There’s been no conflict. Those are my triggers. But my chest is already tightening.

Last night, I had a really strong urge to cut because of some things going on with my son who is on vacation. When things go wrong, my fault or not, I turn it all inside. I can’t handle the uncomfortableness of discord. I wanted to talk about it. Somewhere inside I feel responsible for things not going exactly like he had planned. My husband kept saying he didn’t care. (He’s letting our son experience some natural consequences and live with it.) But just hearing the words “don’t care”  and not talking about it, sent shards of guilt through me. Somehow I had done something wrong. I know I dwell, obsess, fixate … I wanted to cause myself physical pain to cover emotional pain. I REALLY wanted to cut. But I didn’t. My sister-in-law gave me two ceramic kitchen knives for Christmas. Very thin and sharp! I can’t say I haven’t had thoughts about the smaller one, the paring knife. Luckily I didn’t go there last night and haven’t for awhile. Let’s hope it stays as ideations and not actions. Life in general is better these days, so maybe it will.

Now I’m older and other things don’t look so well on me either. And I decided, before Christmas, that I would start looking for a job after the holidays. I’m feeling really scared about that. I’m a professional, educated with a master’s degree and terrified about trying to get through a job interview – if I was ever offered one. I’m so afraid of interviewing and how hard it is for me to “sell” myself as being qualified, that I’m likely to take anything, like bagging groceries. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I totally support good honest work of any kind. But I discount myself and if I can’t believe in myself, why would or should an employer? I want to use the skills I have or had, but am afraid that I’ve lost them. I don’t know. And D-Day (post holidays) is only a few days away. GULP! Can I pull the covers over my head until next year?

Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Lately I’ve doubted myself a lot. Quite a lot. I’ve doubted my ability to be a decent wife and a competent mother. I’ve wondered if my husband and son would be better off if I left. All I seem to bring to our lives is chaos, anger and arguments. My emotions then plummet into turmoil and depression, self doubt, questioning any value I offer to anyone by my presence. I feel as if I make every day, every situation worse. I no longer know what to say or do that will have a positive effect for myself or those I care about, so I’m afraid of each interaction – no matter how small it may be.

Shambhala Card

#5

To overcome uncertainty is utterly good.

Commentary:Uncertainty here refers to doubting yourself or the existence of basic goodness. When you don’t punish or condemn yourself, when you relax and appreciate your body  and mind, you begin to contact basic goodness in yourself. So it is extremely important  to be willing to open yourself to  yourself.

As human beings, we have a working basis within us that allows us to uplift our state of existence and cheer up fully. Because we have a mind and body, we can comprehend this world. Existence is wonderful and precious. We don’ know how long we will live. While we have our life. why not make use of it? Before we even make use of it, why don’t we appreciate it?

I need some feedback on this explanation for my husband. PLEASE!

emotion

emotion (Photo credit: photo.anger)

I’m trying to clarify what’s going on with me for my husband – how he seems to perceive it vs how I perceive it. But I’d like to get some feedback from you who follow my blog to see if what I’ve written makes sense. Please help me to clarify this as much as I can for him. He loves me and I love him.

Here’s how it seems that you see me – please correct me if and where I am wrong. And then I will attempt to explain how I perceive myself to you.

Here seems to be what we’ve both observed: I don’t do well with calmness. I need to keep my plate full to overfull.

* You told me that I seem to seek out things to get upset about. And if those get resolved, I find other things.
* I need to be upset. I need to feel like a martyr

* I take little things and make them into big things.
* I pick on Peter, or you

* I take things too personally
* I don’t see how little wrongs are in the big picture ( I can’t tolerate them) all or nothing
* I obsess
* I look for things to be wrong

* I don’t seem to want to be happy

_____________________________________________________

OK, Here’s what it feels like from inside me … pretty  creepy some times

* ANGER upsets me: mine, yours, Dad’s – anyone’s. Loud voices, doors slamming, screams. It doesn’t have to be directed at me even. But I’m always afraid it will be. It can be in a movie, a book, taking place in my vicinity, caused by me, aimed at me,  …

* I feel very anxious about … everything … my work (that I can’t do it right, have become incompetent ….etc) moving, making decisions, choices I’ve make that have impact where we’re at in life now, how I’ve been as a parent, wife, daughter, what I’ll do after we move.
* I love you very much and most of the time I feel that you know best about everything. However, there are moments, when my thinking gets twisted and I lose sight of that and only see what I’m upset about, and can’t see the good for the bad (so to speak) It’s called black and white thinking. This doesn’t happen often, but like my anger, is like a switch being flipped. impulsive.
* Sometimes, when we’re arguing, I may seem to drift off and to seem to be taking what you’re saying very seriously. What it is it that I can’t connect with what you’re saying so I dissociate from it. This doesn’t happen often, only when I’m really upset by what’s being said  like when you said you didn’t think you could stay with me. I just couldn’t register that.

* Nothing seems top be able to remain “little” in my mind. It’s not that I TRY to take little thing and make them into big things, it’s just that by having them around as “issues”, they hale me avoid myself – what are actually the real big issues. Same with picking fights with Peter and you. keeping it away from myself, – I’m not the problem. When I really am. What my problem is is how emotionally sensitive I am an how difficult it is for me to control y emotions. That seems to be why I try and divert everything away from MY emotions and onto someone else’ or some other situation.
* I keep thinking that if someone or something forces me to come face to face with myself, without the ability to run away from  it, I’ll be in a sink or swim situation. And I hope it’ll be a swim. Sit me down, force me to face my demons, my feelings, finding out that I won’t actually die from them. I just don’t seem to be able to see things as they really are. I try to, but it’s always distorted.

* When there’s nothing going on to keep me preoccupied, it’s a very uncomfortable feeling. I don’t know what to do! That’s where impulsive behavior can come in, I HAVE to do SOMETHING to have some kind of feeling. If I don’t, other feeling seep in that can be uncomfortable to deal with. And when they do, my behaviors can become even more out of control to try and push those feelings down (cutting, burning, yelling/anger erratic driving – ask Peter)
* I need to learn to tolerate them and listen to the part of my mind that says it’s ok. This move may be a part of that change in me.

* Right now I find myself hyper sensitive to emotions of sadness, loneliness, and fear of loss. I’ve always been afraid of losing you even though you remain with me. Abandonment

Stepping Forward

Balance Beam The last element of the Stanwick ...

As I may or may not have mentioned before, I’m unable to start in a DBT program until we move. But my psychologist still wanted me to be in SOME program until then. Yesterday, I began a partial hospitalization program that does group therapy, all day, five days a week. Day one went pretty well, even though I hadn’t told my husband that I was doing it. He’s been distant lately as he tries to process all that’s been going on with me. Anyway, one of the sessions was experiential therapy and we worked on an obstacle on a ropes course. It was a low hanging log, kind of like a balance beam but would swing from side to side. We had rubber discs that we were to place along the ground on either side of the log, distanced as to how we felt various people were close to us. Then, we were to walk along the log with the instructor there to guide us, as well as group members who were standing on the placed discs. When it was my turn, I stood and tried to focus and find my center of gravity/balance. As I walked across, those closer to the log reached out to offer assistance to me. I started to reach out to them and then pulled back, not taking the assistance (except for the instructor). The log represented our journey through life. Almost at the end, I ended up taking a diving jump off to the side, pulling the instructor into the log and hitting her shin. The group then processed my journey and reluctance to accept assistance. I felt like I had the knowledge and had to reach into myself and only count on myself to get through it. Interesting. Then, we were to do the journey again, but could place the discs anywhere we wanted to tell others how we wanted them to participate. I skipped the discs but asked one of the guys to straddle the log, facing me, hold my hands and walk with me across the log. I said he could jump on and off the log, do whatever, while holding onto my hands. He represented the relationship I want to have with my husband, going through the journey together, playing and enjoying each other the whole way through. It was a very sad and powerful experience. However, if I can learn and grow through this, it will be very rewarding.

Now, it’s time for me to head off to day number 2 of this therapy. I’ll keep you posted. By the way, last night my husband asked me what I was doing today and I said I had some group work to do, all day. So at least he’s aware of it now, even if not the details of time and duration. More to follow.

First Post

Hi, I’ve just begun my recovery from decades of BPD that was never addressed. I’ve coped, at my family’s expense. That is no longer acceptable to me. We all deserve to be happy and to find joy in life. My hope is that it isn’t too late for me or those close to me. I’m desperately afraid of what demons I will be challenged with facing, be they experiences, issues or emotions. Right now, I’m feeling very lonely and apprehensive about stepping into this journey. But step forward I must because going backward isn’t an option and staying put is debilitating. So, here goes!

Lonely Wolf

Lonely Wolf (Photo credit: Ghetu Daniel)