Why?

For some reason, my depression came back and smacked me upside my head this afternoon. I’ve felt emotional good for quite awhile now. I hate this feeling – and especially that I have to push it down and hide it … Pretending that all is well even when it is sucking out my emotions. I HAVE to hide it. I have to. Anxious Fearful Angry. For the first time in a very very long time, I wanted to punch a cinder block wall. I put the knuckles of my fist up to it and turned my fist, pushing through as I would in a power punch.

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9 thoughts on “Why?

  1. I sincerely hope it goes away. I don’t want to be negative but the chances of being depressed just one time, means that we have something like a 50% chance of another returning of depression. It’s meant to be a lot weaker and not long lasting so I hope it will pass soon and you’ll be back feeling better as you well deserve. Xx

    • Thanks A, it’s ongoing since I was a teen ( if not earlier). My medications have been high enough to subdue it, so I have to wonder why the breakthrough. It flips up and down, off and on. How are you doing?

      • Weird hey. I think the dosages even can be lowered or raised and it doesn’t mean that a higher dosage means it is good for you. Maybe the body adjusts here and there. Weird medications.

        I am ok thank you. Still in hospital. I hope max 2 weeks from now and depending, maybe earlier because good couple of nights. But that’s happened before. Just depends how far the dip goes down again! Not expecting a miracle of course but it’s the first time I feel the medications doing something. Both good and bad with that medication made me totally off balance and I fell over badly a couple of times. Was awful!

        So I guess the thing we are looking for is more of a balance, as close to the baseline.. And the higher times and lower times become closer to the baseline rather than dips and everything everywhere!

  2. Hey! Been thinking bout’ you. You know I often crash after being away from home for a few days. Coming home sometimes feels like hitting a brick wall of heightened reality. When I’m away I don’t have to look at the kitchen that needs cleaning or the walls full of pictures frozen 4yrs ago that I need to update. For me, coming home can bring a mix of guilt (looking at all I haven’t done), sadness (all I feel like I’ve missed and am missing) and fear (of going back to the dark). Sometimes I do drop for no apparent reason. Things seem fine and then out of nowhere I get that ache in my chest. I’m finding that though sometimes it takes a little work to figure out, there’s always a deep seated reason. It can be something as small as seeing a flash of an old picture that reminds me of my dysfunctional family. It’s taken me a HELL of a long time to get to where I’m able to trace back the trigger. I’m not always able to understand right away WHY it was a trigger, but I’m very fortunate to have a therapist who knows me very well and has always been able to call it. Knowing where the depression, sadness and pain is coming from helps me face it. I think maybe I feel less in the dark or something. In my opinion it’s no coincidence that you wrote about your visit with your mom just a few days before dropping. We all have different triggers but maybe there’s some kind of connection to the visit itself or coming back. I’m sorry you’re feeling crappy right now. 😦 I hope it’s short lived. Sending love your way!

    • I had t even thought it might be connected to my mom! It probably is though. Takes me back to feelings of guilt for moving, missing my dad and seeing how much she does too, and seeing how much time has passed and is out of my control. Its probably not all of the frash, but also is a part of it. Theres so little that we can actually control in our lives. It all makes me anxious. Thanks, M.

      • Through therapy there are areas that with understanding and working through what’s behind the trigger… it does go away. But it’s taken a HELL of a long time to get there and it’s scary, really scary facing those things. Thus I don’t always do it even though I know it would be best. I feel like we’re likely going to battle triggers forever, but some might not always have as strong of a hold as they do now. Just my thoughts and experiences… all of us are different, respond differently to different things. Hope things are better today!

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