I Got the Job!!!!

I got the job!!!! I received a call this morning (to alleviate the anxiety of waiting) and was told they were just waiting for verbal contact with one of my references – and that soon followed. They are anxious to have me; and my special education and technology experience. They are even looking towards the end of next year when one of their special education teachers is retiring and possibly putting me in that position (if all works out this year.)

So … Today was a great day!

Thanks to everyone for your positive thoughts and wishes through this. I think it will be a perfect job for me at this time 😃

If I were …

Both Lola and Pride in Madness posted this. After thinking of my responses, I decided to as well. A change from thinking about what I’m about currently. 🙂

How would YOU answer? Here are my thoughts on each, “If I were …”

Those are hard questions for me to answer – but I’ll try.
If I were a politician, I would be unsuccessful because I don’t want to be swayed by parties and institutions more focused on money than doing the right thing.

If I were a pop star, I would actually be able to sing – and that would be great! I can’t sing, and my son has continually informed me of that since he was able to speak. So much for every child loving the sound of their mother’s voice! LOL

If I were a film star, I would be Katharine Hepburn or Audry Hepburn. (same last name, but I don’t think they’re related. ) I just like their style and I’d have loved to be wispy like Audry!

audry hepburn

audry hepburn (Photo credit: c-millie)

If I were a in a soap opera, well let’s just skip that one. I hate them. Dumb and silly.

If I were a writer, I would write adventurous fantasy books like The Hobbit. Books that can take you away and let you forget about your life for awhile.

If I were a tv host, I would be witty, down to earth good looking, honest, sincere … are there any hosts like that out there to compare with?

If I were a criminal, I would be Robin Hood. You know the story!

If I were a mythical beast, I would be a forest elf. Still going with the wispy look of Audry Hepburn.

If I were a Disney character, I would be the main character in Brave. Although I haven’t seen the movie – I’m going off of the commercials.

If I were a drug, I would be – WOW, that one’s REALLY tough! Do I want to repair something, create a feeling, or what? I really don’t know.

Our New Puppy


If I were an animal, I would probably be a dog. Wanting and giving lots of love, likes to learn         things, can chill or go on an adventure with you. Strong bonds, yet still maintaining their own personality.

  If I were a piece of food, I would be lasagna – complex and simple (depending on how you make it), enjoyed by most people, comforting to eat, warm, good food. Haven’t made it in years though.

   If I were an illness, I would be – why would anyone want to be an illness? As it is, I already feel like I am an illness that plagues my world. Skip.

If I were a mood, I would be sunny, positive and loving. Also passionate.

If I were a holiday resort, I would be Hedonism II. A fun place to be.

If I were a pattern, I would be paisley. Don’t know exactly why, just like the swirls and curves. Remind me of the yin yangYin and yang stones

If I were a tree, I would be an old, strong oak tree. Great for climbing, been around to see A LOT, provide shelter to what is in the branches and what rests below. But a maple would be cool too, with great color in the fall. No, an oak.

Turned around and Confused

I read an interesting blog post today at Fake Plastic Trees titled The Paradox of Pleasure. It didn’t pertain to mental illness, but rather happiness and our pursuit of it. Here’s a partial quote that I found thought provoking.


Happiness (Photo credit: baejaar)

Which would make you a happier person, winning the lottery or being in a car crash that leaves you paraplegic?

The answer to this apparently illogical question is, well, neither. Studies show that people who go through these radically different life experiences tend to revert, over time, to their previous level of satisfaction. Winning the lottery will send you to cloud nine for a while, but in a couple of months you’ll be back to where you started, no matter what you do with the money. Even more interestingly, ending up in a wheelchair will destroy you morale in the short run, but over the same amount of time you will aga- in fall back to roughly the same happiness level as before the accident (psychologists call this your set point).

This rather disconcerting trait of human nature is called Hedonic Adaptation, and it was first studied in the 1970s, analyzing precisely the effects of lottery wins and debilitating accidents. Humans have an amazing ability to adjust to the hardships of life: that’s how people carry on after devastating losses and terrible misfortunes. On a more philosophical level, this also means that single life events, no matter how bad or good, do not necessarily alter our existence …

So – as someone who struggles with emotions, and happiness being one of them, I find myself REALLY thinking hard about this. It makes me wonder about lasting happiness, rather than fleeting moments of it, sought amongst flair-ups of temper and bought of depression. What IS my previous level of satisfaction anyway? I am truly intrigued by this. Maybe utter happiness is my base level, but I’ve only dance around it for the last five decades. Maybe I’ll only ever know these brief episodes of happiness. I hope not. I would much prefer to find that I am destined to be one of the world’s joyful souls – even if it comes about in the second half of my life. I’m there now, and more than willing for the time to have arrived. 🙂

Sliding down through good feelings

Here’s where it gets tricky … I made some good choices, decisions on my own that I felt good about. Felt good. Now, as I settle back and start to feel comfortable, the anxiety rushes in and the urge to self harm (cut and burn) rises. Why does this happen? I find this very perplexing. Is it all about not being OK with life being OK? Do I really need to create havoc in my life? I’m sitting in the library and the local hardware store is just across the street. I left my Exacto knives back in Wisconsin, but it would only take a few minutes to walk over and buy a new one, sharp and clean. A passion rises up in my chest at the thought of it. It can become an addiction, a reaction to strong emotions. Yesterday was filled with the anxiety and fear of buying a car. A little while ago, my husband called about a couple who had come to see the house and were thrilled with it, and had just sold their old house, I may have made some new friends today (so lots of intense emotions going on – on top of missing my husband) I REALLY WANT TO CUT!!!!!!!! And if I call anyone, I won’t cut, so that tells me what???? That I don’t want to get better? That I’m not ready?  That I’m not ready to be open and honest about giving up behaviors? HOW do I do this???? I also had a conversation this morning with a local teacher. That had me thinking about work, insurance, will I be able to work, how much, my disability and where my claim is at, the phone call I made to my psychiatrist’s office this morning about my medication …. that might have added to the anxiety a little …. I also woke up very early … ended up sleeping on the floor in my husband’s t-shirt.  When my son woke me up I started crying. Then I smile and act normal – everything’s A-OK!  But I really want to cut. Tally marks in my leg until my husband is out here with us. But would that be enough then, or would I need more? What will ever be enough?

Some days, be it one at a time or a run of many, I feel so completely normal that I could do anything asked of me or that I chose to do. Other days, like today, my insides are a whirling dervish of emotions, thoughts, ideas, and everything is on hyper-drive with  thoughts changing before they have even completely formed. My breathing barely makes it to the back of my teeth, much less down into my diaphragm!

Alone is not a good place for me to be. And that is where I am right now. OK – I’m not going to go to the  hardware store. Today.

English: graphic convention of manga, sweating...

 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Time is slipping away

I’m down to just a few days before the move … gulp! Tomorrow morning is my last meeting with my psychiatrist here, and I don’t have a new one set up in CA, just a psychologist, if she works out. thin thread of connection ….

I’m really thinking about the full size voodoo doll John suggested! How could I contrive a device that would make it bleed so that I wouldn’t have to?

One good thing happened though. Someone did find the pouch I had my license and insurance card and money in when I went to see Roger Waters and they called (they only live 20 minutes from me and the concert was 2 1/2 hours away!) I’m meeting them to get it back this afternoon. I already spent the money to have my license reissued, but it’s still nice to know that there are honest people out there who aren’t out to steal your information.

The good-bye gatherings are over. I’m about done packing. Luckily, I having broken down in tears during them, which has made them much more comfortable. It will be different with my parents though. I’m desperately trying to get them using skype. My mom, at 87, is struggling with it. Time to remind her of my new mantra … Where there is life, there is hope! (How many of you have I posted that to lately?!)

At one of my good-bye gatherings of work friends (special educators) I was told that when your journey comes to a fork in the road and one direction is less comfortable or easy that the other, it is the path you are meant to take. That is my journey now into recovery. Into California, without my husband being at my side right away. Into a new life. It won’t be easy. But I know I can do it and will be a better and stronger person for choosing that path.

English: Fork in the path up The Cobbler

English: Fork in the path up The Cobbler (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Over the next couple of weeks, my posts may be sporadic. I will do my best to check in, even if by “liking” posts that I regularly follow and commenting with a brief word or two. I’ll post when I can.

Peace and love to you all! – Hawkruh (Hawk)

Post Note:I connected with the guy who found my drivers license today. He refused to accept any reward! There still are good people. What a joy. Also, the man who painted our front room thinks his nephew might be interested in buying our house.. Maybe things are turning around. Time will tell. I’m feeling in a good place at this moment in time. I think I will  be mindful and enjoy it for as long as it lasts.

I believe our true nature is joy

I believe our true nature is joy (Photo credit: HeedingtheMuses)