Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty

The Age of Uncertainty (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Lately I’ve doubted myself a lot. Quite a lot. I’ve doubted my ability to be a decent wife and a competent mother. I’ve wondered if my husband and son would be better off if I left. All I seem to bring to our lives is chaos, anger and arguments. My emotions then plummet into turmoil and depression, self doubt, questioning any value I offer to anyone by my presence. I feel as if I make every day, every situation worse. I no longer know what to say or do that will have a positive effect for myself or those I care about, so I’m afraid of each interaction – no matter how small it may be.

Shambhala Card

#5

To overcome uncertainty is utterly good.

Commentary:Uncertainty here refers to doubting yourself or the existence of basic goodness. When you don’t punish or condemn yourself, when you relax and appreciate your body  and mind, you begin to contact basic goodness in yourself. So it is extremely important  to be willing to open yourself to  yourself.

As human beings, we have a working basis within us that allows us to uplift our state of existence and cheer up fully. Because we have a mind and body, we can comprehend this world. Existence is wonderful and precious. We don’ know how long we will live. While we have our life. why not make use of it? Before we even make use of it, why don’t we appreciate it?

Closed Doors

Here is an attempt to write,  jogged by a post by Jensinewell “Walking Through Doors” and how we often forget what we were looking for once we have changed environments. My comment to her post was that I have to stop walking through doors because I can’t remember anything. She suggested staying in one room to see if my memory improved, but which room?

The Memory Room

My mind is full of memories:

heartwarming, heartbreaking

lessons learned, taught, memorized, forgotten.

Snapshots of my childhood

reality or stories told too often?

Years pass and memories layer like shingles on a roof.

Protection that gets added to, even as it decays over time.

Corners chip, debris erodes, layers  buried.

Some are lost in storms, unnoticed for the moment, ’til needed.

A damaged section causes grief and needs attending to.

But where is it?

That Memory, that shingle

that has been

damaged,

forgotten?

The Memory  Room is there to fill in all the gaps;

from the grocery item you didn’t write down,

and forgot as soon as you walked out of the house,

to the exam question that  you studied so hard for,

and lost the answer to as soon as you started the exam.

When  list making or studying is done in the Memory Room,

those memories are never forgotten.

They are written write into your long term memory

as if they were your genetic makeup.

So take care what you choose to learn in there!

But there is yet a deeper side to the Memory Room

for memories of the past.

Sit in the room and be still, but not alone,

and all of your past will come back to you –

you cannot pick and choose.

Oh, that you could.

For that is what I fear –

that there will be something

I don’t want to see,

or possible worse,

nothing at all.

What then?

I need some feedback on this explanation for my husband. PLEASE!

emotion

emotion (Photo credit: photo.anger)

I’m trying to clarify what’s going on with me for my husband – how he seems to perceive it vs how I perceive it. But I’d like to get some feedback from you who follow my blog to see if what I’ve written makes sense. Please help me to clarify this as much as I can for him. He loves me and I love him.

Here’s how it seems that you see me – please correct me if and where I am wrong. And then I will attempt to explain how I perceive myself to you.

Here seems to be what we’ve both observed: I don’t do well with calmness. I need to keep my plate full to overfull.

* You told me that I seem to seek out things to get upset about. And if those get resolved, I find other things.
* I need to be upset. I need to feel like a martyr

* I take little things and make them into big things.
* I pick on Peter, or you

* I take things too personally
* I don’t see how little wrongs are in the big picture ( I can’t tolerate them) all or nothing
* I obsess
* I look for things to be wrong

* I don’t seem to want to be happy

_____________________________________________________

OK, Here’s what it feels like from inside me … pretty  creepy some times

* ANGER upsets me: mine, yours, Dad’s – anyone’s. Loud voices, doors slamming, screams. It doesn’t have to be directed at me even. But I’m always afraid it will be. It can be in a movie, a book, taking place in my vicinity, caused by me, aimed at me,  …

* I feel very anxious about … everything … my work (that I can’t do it right, have become incompetent ….etc) moving, making decisions, choices I’ve make that have impact where we’re at in life now, how I’ve been as a parent, wife, daughter, what I’ll do after we move.
* I love you very much and most of the time I feel that you know best about everything. However, there are moments, when my thinking gets twisted and I lose sight of that and only see what I’m upset about, and can’t see the good for the bad (so to speak) It’s called black and white thinking. This doesn’t happen often, but like my anger, is like a switch being flipped. impulsive.
* Sometimes, when we’re arguing, I may seem to drift off and to seem to be taking what you’re saying very seriously. What it is it that I can’t connect with what you’re saying so I dissociate from it. This doesn’t happen often, only when I’m really upset by what’s being said  like when you said you didn’t think you could stay with me. I just couldn’t register that.

* Nothing seems top be able to remain “little” in my mind. It’s not that I TRY to take little thing and make them into big things, it’s just that by having them around as “issues”, they hale me avoid myself – what are actually the real big issues. Same with picking fights with Peter and you. keeping it away from myself, – I’m not the problem. When I really am. What my problem is is how emotionally sensitive I am an how difficult it is for me to control y emotions. That seems to be why I try and divert everything away from MY emotions and onto someone else’ or some other situation.
* I keep thinking that if someone or something forces me to come face to face with myself, without the ability to run away from  it, I’ll be in a sink or swim situation. And I hope it’ll be a swim. Sit me down, force me to face my demons, my feelings, finding out that I won’t actually die from them. I just don’t seem to be able to see things as they really are. I try to, but it’s always distorted.

* When there’s nothing going on to keep me preoccupied, it’s a very uncomfortable feeling. I don’t know what to do! That’s where impulsive behavior can come in, I HAVE to do SOMETHING to have some kind of feeling. If I don’t, other feeling seep in that can be uncomfortable to deal with. And when they do, my behaviors can become even more out of control to try and push those feelings down (cutting, burning, yelling/anger erratic driving – ask Peter)
* I need to learn to tolerate them and listen to the part of my mind that says it’s ok. This move may be a part of that change in me.

* Right now I find myself hyper sensitive to emotions of sadness, loneliness, and fear of loss. I’ve always been afraid of losing you even though you remain with me. Abandonment

Immediate Thoughts

My husband and I got into a fight today. Poor communication? I wasn’t quite understanding what he was asking and feeling put on the spot? He thought he was being clear and that it was a simple request … I felt like I was doing it wrong … I wasn’t doing it the way he wanted it done. He said I was again making a really big thing out of a little thing.

My immediate thought was a repeating “I want to hurt myself, I want to hurt myself. I’m not hurting myself but I REALLY want to hurt myself.”

BPD really sucks. I feel locked up inside myself today.

Holding My Breath

I’ve  been holding my breath for days now. I had tucked the book “Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder” into my husban’s suitcase before he left for a trip. Talking to him on the phone, he never indicated seeing it,  much less reading it. I met up with him a week later, a few days ago. He still hasn’t said anything and I know he’s seen the bandages on my arm (though I don’t think he’s seen the scars on the back of my leg.) he doesn’t want to talk to me about any of this stuff, so I hold my breath and wait. My meds regulate my moods, keeping my feet on the ground for the most part. But  … But you can’t hold your breath forever and  I’m about to have to let it out. 

 

If only I didn’t  have this need to  ‘pop the zit’  and release the pressure of not knowing. If only I could hold in emotions that are not those of joy and happiness … If only – maybe I could breath and breath deeply. 

First Post

Hi, I’ve just begun my recovery from decades of BPD that was never addressed. I’ve coped, at my family’s expense. That is no longer acceptable to me. We all deserve to be happy and to find joy in life. My hope is that it isn’t too late for me or those close to me. I’m desperately afraid of what demons I will be challenged with facing, be they experiences, issues or emotions. Right now, I’m feeling very lonely and apprehensive about stepping into this journey. But step forward I must because going backward isn’t an option and staying put is debilitating. So, here goes!

Lonely Wolf

Lonely Wolf (Photo credit: Ghetu Daniel)