Why?

For some reason, my depression came back and smacked me upside my head this afternoon. I’ve felt emotional good for quite awhile now. I hate this feeling – and especially that I have to push it down and hide it … Pretending that all is well even when it is sucking out my emotions. I HAVE to hide it. I have to. Anxious Fearful Angry. For the first time in a very very long time, I wanted to punch a cinder block wall. I put the knuckles of my fist up to it and turned my fist, pushing through as I would in a power punch.

New and newer

So … new insurance means finding a new person to handle meds. Met with that person yesterday. Oh, and yesterday kind of s#cked. Made several professional mistakes that I could be called to task on and/or written up for. Trying to stay on top of too many things at once and that means making mistakes. On to the new prescriber, a psychiatric nurse practitioner. After spending over an hour with her, she’s decided to double the amount of Zoloft (generic version) from 50 to 100 mg. I knew the 50 mg was low, but it was mainly to stop the crying. And she’s also increasing my Lamictal from 200 to 300 mg. She says that’s the most that should be taken before its effectiveness decreased. She wanted me to take the rest of the week off of work but I refused to. Conferences and assessments to be done. Next week is a vacation week, so that should help. As always happens, she wanted me to assure her that if I felt like hurting myself, I would call 911. I said I wouldn’t do that. Would I call her? I said, “honestly, no.” Heer response was the expected, “if you can’t do that, then I need to hospitalize you.” My response, “I have no desire to kill myself, but I can’t say I won’t hurt myself.” I’d told her that my self harming had gone from the more obvious cutting and burning to the non-visible purging. Even though it is not a good thing. This seemed more satisfactory to her and she let me go at that. I’ve never wanted to kill myself. There are too many things in life I want to see .. like grandchildren someday, my family, the world, what happens in life! Sometimes I just don’t want to hurt so much. It’s not even all the time, just when things happen. I just want to feel ok with myself and not so volatile or sensitive to everything. The roller coaster has NEVER been a ride I enjoyed ( real or metaphorically speaking.) And it’s not too thrilling for others on the ride with me either, ie my husband and family.

We’ll see how it goes. Today, I’m feeling better – but that’s also how it seems to go. I really would like to be ok with myself some day. From what I hear, I’m a pretty decent person.

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Long Week and Feeling the Stress

The first trimester of school is almost over. I can’t believe we’re a third of the way through the school year already! I still don’t feel like I’m on firm ground, there’s so much to do and to get used to. On top of lots of assessments of students, meetings, teaching … I’m exhausted and typically spend ten hours a day at school. And, I’m not┬ásleeping very well, unless I take three different things to help me get to sleep.

This week has been especially stressful. There’s been a lot of anxiety. My first meeting of the week went well on Monday. I had another on Wednesday that wasn’t so good. I was nervous and the computer program/site that we process our paperwork on wasn’t working correctly and really messed up my report. Can’t blame it … that’s just what happens sometimes. But, because I’m new there and feeling unsure about teaching after 2.5 years away from it, the way that meeting went felt horrible. One of the other specialists saw me later in the day and could tell how much I’m struggling. She was very supportive and tried to help me feel more secure in what I do. I am very lucky to work with people like her!

Yesterday was going pretty well, until a student in my room had an absentee seizure. It wasn’t stopping, nurse was there, 911 called … I think he’s ok though. ­čÖé

Today was crazy, crazy! We had a fire drill and evacuation drill first thing. Got back to school and was able to work with two classes before lunch. Just as lunch was ending. we found out there was a gunman incident happening in town and the whole school district went into lockdown mode. For three hours! Everything at school was ok. Unfortunately, two police officers were killed and another injured.

On top of all this going on, I’m struggling with finding a new doctor to prescribe my medications. I think I need to see a general practitioner first. I only have about a month of meds left, so it’s a time issue. I’m on new insurance, so everything has to switch. I’ve been working on it, but seem to call after business hours. That’s on me – to find the time and remember to call when someone is available to take my call.

Please understand, I’m not complaining and I hope it doesn’t come across as if I am. It’s just been a difficult transition and I am struggling with it. Unfortunately, the stress has triggered my bulimia and I’m using that to cope more often. Not a good plan! I feel the decades of it in my chest whenever I do purge. I started writing this post because I’m feeling very full from the pot pie I had for supper. I really wanted to purge, but didn’t. I hate that full feeling. At least it’s good that my meds have my BPD well in check!

Thanks for reading through my ramblings.

High Anxiety!

My anxiety is shooting up – at unexpected times and for no apparent reason. OK, I guess there is/are reasons. Work is stressful – ┬áreturning to it and being in a new place to teach, and feeling like I’m not up to snuff and worried about it all. Now I’m trying to find a new psych doctor and worry about the money aspect of that. My husband would say not to worry, but do what I feel I need to. But I don’t feel worthy of spending that kind of money on myself. I need to find a doctor, though. My meds run out in about a month and I need a psych to prescribe them. Me with no meds is a BAD thing! I’ve only fairly recently seemed to find a “cocktail” of meds that seems to be a good balance for me. I just sent an email to a prospective doctor. I gave him all the basic facts up front. I hope I hear from him soon. My insurance website provided his name, but then I didn’t see my carrier on HIS list, so I’m worried about that. I’m turning into my mother with worrying!

Mindfulness

I haven’t written for awhile now. I’m stuck. Trying counselling, but don’t know if it’s helping. I cry a lot – at the mention of my father, future losses, failures I think I’ve had with my son and husband. I cry because I can’t go back in time to change what I said or did. I cry because I’m afraid of what I’ve lost or might lose. ┬áIt’s oppressive at times.

The counselor tells me to keep practicing mindfulness, and that some of the things I share with her indicate that I am being mindful at times. She reminds me that I can’t change the past or predict the future. Bemoaning and anxiety. I keep trying. It is SO hard though. Emotions run amuck. Sensations of the walls of the past and future close in around me, leaving little room for mindfulness. The pressure of the past and future engulf me, causing me to panic and forget where I’m at. I suppose that as I practice being mindful, I should get stronger and be able to push the walls back into place. At least that’s what I think my counselor would say if I shared my analogy with her. Is the goal then to push them back until the room they shape (my life) is as large as possible?

Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

 

 

 

What do you say, how do you feel when …

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Moments of intimacy brought me courage to share honestly. I did, saying that physical pain is easier for me than emotional pain. But I know I need to stay with the emotions and not avoid or hide in physical pain. And I asked, or maybe said I needed/wanted him to help me stay with the emotions. The answer was not what I wanted to hear. He, after all theses years of being around me and my emotions, needs to distance himself when my emotions hit. He’s paid his dues, emotionally, and needs to act in this way in order to take care of himself. How can I blame him? I can’t. I wish I’d had my revelation years ago when we were younger and I hadn’t put him through so much, yet. Maybe then he would have been willing to be with me as I tried to stay with my feelings/ emotions rather than self harming to avoid the emotional pain. I don’t blame him in the least for feeling this way. He has tried for decades already. Physical pain is so much easier. But it, my truth, ┬áhas now been out on the table. I need to fight this battle on my own. Perhaps this is best and will make me stronger than if I count on someone being there to help hold me up. I guess this has to be my battle and mine alone so that I learn to be ok with myself … Would that be self loving? I have to be ok with myself, even if no one else is. Gulp! Wish me luck!

Thanksgiving with LOTS of People

At my sister’s for Thanksgiving. There were a lot of people! I get anxious in crowds, even if it’s all family. I did end up with a small burn on my arm as a coping mechanism. Something to focus on (the sensation) when the noise and smells of cologne got to be too much. It’ll heal quickly and probably leave no scar. It helped.┬á I did have a good time and don’t think I ate or drank too much.

My new medication, Latuda, seems to be helping. I see the PA about meds on Monday. I will tell all. I see my counselor on Tuesday. Same same. I’m fortunate that she’s willing to do DBT with me one-on-one since the group meets while I’m at work.

It’s been a good visit to Wisconsin and D.C. to see my family this week. The burn isn’t a big deal, really.

weird feeing after self injury, thrill of the secret shared with myself. I’ve had this feeling before. Part of what can make it addictive. Adrenaline rush. Therein lies a danger.