Thanksgiving with LOTS of People

At my sister’s for Thanksgiving. There were a lot of people! I get anxious in crowds, even if it’s all family. I did end up with a small burn on my arm as a coping mechanism. Something to focus on (the sensation) when the noise and smells of cologne got to be too much. It’ll heal quickly and probably leave no scar. It helped.  I did have a good time and don’t think I ate or drank too much.

My new medication, Latuda, seems to be helping. I see the PA about meds on Monday. I will tell all. I see my counselor on Tuesday. Same same. I’m fortunate that she’s willing to do DBT with me one-on-one since the group meets while I’m at work.

It’s been a good visit to Wisconsin and D.C. to see my family this week. The burn isn’t a big deal, really.

weird feeing after self injury, thrill of the secret shared with myself. I’ve had this feeling before. Part of what can make it addictive. Adrenaline rush. Therein lies a danger.

An inkling of why I fight with my son so much

Another fight with my son today, although not a huge one. Now he’s off with a friend, husband’s gone for the afternoon, and I just had a drink. Doing yard work that I’d asked my son to do (and pay him for doing) that he just wasn’t getting around to doing – I got to thinking about our relationship.

I keep being told that I’m driving him away, when there is less than a year until he’s 18 and ready to head out on his own, instead of appreciating the time. Why? That question keeps plaguing me. I know that in the past I have not let people get close, or showed/told them my worst to see if it would be too much for them. Kind of pushing them away from me before they chose to leave (abandon) me because I was “too bad.” Is this what I’m doing with my son? Pushing him away because I know he’ll be leaving anyway?

I create my own Hell.

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Random Ramblings about my BPD

Bringing some of my blog title into a post …

Finding myself scratching my leg, and then i keep on scratching. There is not itch. 

Fighting to make my smile reach up and into my eyes.

Happily watching my dog, Chi, playful at last – after a month and a half recovery from ????

Fearful of words left unspoken. 

Wanting to take anxiety pills and alcohol and sleep, sleep, sleep.

Grateful the weekend is here and I don’t have to go to work. I want to work, but it brings up SO much. 

Cloudy thinking. Cloudy feeling. I don’t know what I want. 

I know I’ll be alone some day. When, I don’t know. It takes me into disassociation.

It is what it is. My own doing? Inevitable. 

 

Screaming Inside or Should I Just Disappear

Floor Drain

Floor Drain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just want to disappear down the drain sometimes.

Screaming inside! I REALLY want to hurt myself right now- more than I have in a very long while. Instead, I cut branches off of trees, taking chances as to where and how I did it. But after over an hour of cutting branches, I still want to hurt myself.

I did do some cutting when I just took a shower. Nothing drastic, still  cutting though.

Why?????

Arguing with my 17 year old. Upcoming psychiatric evaluation. No luck in finding a job.

The pinched nerve in my elbow ( at least for the past 2 months) is bugging me and I really want to push it to the point of snapping. I want to take all kinds of physical chances withy body. Drugs, alcohol, physical risks. I want to shave all the hair off my head – just because and for something to be DRASTIC! I feel very passive aggressive . I took away my son’s iTouch and keep trying different pass codes to unlock it. I don’t really care if I do and would almost like for it to permanently be disabled. He keeps blaming me for everything that how’s wrong in his life, why not this too?

I REALLY want to cut myself. Maybe if I use the chainsaw, I’ll slip. I was away from home about a month+, and there was NO arguing here. As soon as I returned – bam it was back. It’s me, all me. I make home life miserable for all three of us. Even if they don’t say it, I’m sure Dave and Peter wish I wasn’t here. I always seem to find a way to make our relationships worse. For some reason, as soon as things seem good – I find a way to make them bad. Why the Hell am I like this????? Even if I say something with no animosity, the tension is still there.

They’d be better off without me. I mess up everything at home and I doubt either is ever happy to see me. I feel like I’m always trying to do something as a peace offering, to make amends – before I’ve even done anything.

I want to live a full life, but it often feels like the world would be better off without me.

I need some feedback on this explanation for my husband. PLEASE!

emotion

emotion (Photo credit: photo.anger)

I’m trying to clarify what’s going on with me for my husband – how he seems to perceive it vs how I perceive it. But I’d like to get some feedback from you who follow my blog to see if what I’ve written makes sense. Please help me to clarify this as much as I can for him. He loves me and I love him.

Here’s how it seems that you see me – please correct me if and where I am wrong. And then I will attempt to explain how I perceive myself to you.

Here seems to be what we’ve both observed: I don’t do well with calmness. I need to keep my plate full to overfull.

* You told me that I seem to seek out things to get upset about. And if those get resolved, I find other things.
* I need to be upset. I need to feel like a martyr

* I take little things and make them into big things.
* I pick on Peter, or you

* I take things too personally
* I don’t see how little wrongs are in the big picture ( I can’t tolerate them) all or nothing
* I obsess
* I look for things to be wrong

* I don’t seem to want to be happy

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OK, Here’s what it feels like from inside me … pretty  creepy some times

* ANGER upsets me: mine, yours, Dad’s – anyone’s. Loud voices, doors slamming, screams. It doesn’t have to be directed at me even. But I’m always afraid it will be. It can be in a movie, a book, taking place in my vicinity, caused by me, aimed at me,  …

* I feel very anxious about … everything … my work (that I can’t do it right, have become incompetent ….etc) moving, making decisions, choices I’ve make that have impact where we’re at in life now, how I’ve been as a parent, wife, daughter, what I’ll do after we move.
* I love you very much and most of the time I feel that you know best about everything. However, there are moments, when my thinking gets twisted and I lose sight of that and only see what I’m upset about, and can’t see the good for the bad (so to speak) It’s called black and white thinking. This doesn’t happen often, but like my anger, is like a switch being flipped. impulsive.
* Sometimes, when we’re arguing, I may seem to drift off and to seem to be taking what you’re saying very seriously. What it is it that I can’t connect with what you’re saying so I dissociate from it. This doesn’t happen often, only when I’m really upset by what’s being said  like when you said you didn’t think you could stay with me. I just couldn’t register that.

* Nothing seems top be able to remain “little” in my mind. It’s not that I TRY to take little thing and make them into big things, it’s just that by having them around as “issues”, they hale me avoid myself – what are actually the real big issues. Same with picking fights with Peter and you. keeping it away from myself, – I’m not the problem. When I really am. What my problem is is how emotionally sensitive I am an how difficult it is for me to control y emotions. That seems to be why I try and divert everything away from MY emotions and onto someone else’ or some other situation.
* I keep thinking that if someone or something forces me to come face to face with myself, without the ability to run away from  it, I’ll be in a sink or swim situation. And I hope it’ll be a swim. Sit me down, force me to face my demons, my feelings, finding out that I won’t actually die from them. I just don’t seem to be able to see things as they really are. I try to, but it’s always distorted.

* When there’s nothing going on to keep me preoccupied, it’s a very uncomfortable feeling. I don’t know what to do! That’s where impulsive behavior can come in, I HAVE to do SOMETHING to have some kind of feeling. If I don’t, other feeling seep in that can be uncomfortable to deal with. And when they do, my behaviors can become even more out of control to try and push those feelings down (cutting, burning, yelling/anger erratic driving – ask Peter)
* I need to learn to tolerate them and listen to the part of my mind that says it’s ok. This move may be a part of that change in me.

* Right now I find myself hyper sensitive to emotions of sadness, loneliness, and fear of loss. I’ve always been afraid of losing you even though you remain with me. Abandonment

Is Anybody Out There?

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My first week of therapy ended on a bad note. We were walking on a path through the woods of the grounds and I got more upset with each passing minute. A little history is needed here. When I was a teen, I dated a guy who worked here. He was emotionally and sexually abusive, although I’m sure that wasn’t his intent- he just didn’t know. Anyways, the old building where he lived are gone, which is good. But we used to camp on the grounds, right where we were hiking yesterday. As we walked the paths, I thought more and more about what I had lost in that relationship: my virginity and an ability to enjoy sex in a very intimate way. The second part has had a negative impact on my sexual relationship with my husband of 30 years. It’s been emotionally very painful that he had been denied what I used to experience at a very high level. Back to Friday, the end of the week, and my reaction. I shut down for the remainder of that session (it was the last one of the day.) Afterwards, I about ran to my car and tore out of the parking lot. Luckily, I didn’t run into anything – or anybody.

Today, my husband (who has been a musician his whole life) tells me he’s selling all of his equipment. All of it. And is going to stop playing. I feel responsible because when he recently told someone that he’s a musician I had said musician … house husband. It hurt him terribly. I don’t know why I said it like that. But the result has been horrible. For him not to play music is like taking away his oxygen.

So why my title of this post? I see people who follow my posts, but no one comments, except for 2 at the very start. I feel very sad and lonely about this. I’m feeling like I can’t do anything right. I know deep inside that it’s not true, but the negative self talk is pretty strong right now. That’s a dangerous time for me and has led to a lot of cutting and burning in the past.  I haven’t done anything in about a month, and it’s been hard – what with therapy and lots going on. My plan is to abstain and blogging helps. But does anyone out there actually read my posts? Does anyone relate? Is anybody out there?

 

The Good the Bad and the Fearful

Middle of the night Friday/Saturday: Dave was distant last night. Not speaking directly to me. I feel lost, isolated from him – the one person I want to be close to. And I’m what’s pushing us apart. Me and my illness. Has it become too late for him to help me through this? I feel awful. I want to reach into the wood stove and grab some embers to burn myself. But I’m not. For the moment. I so want to be held and nurtured and comforted. It seems as likely to happen as getting water out of a rock.

I just went to the stove, opened it and found a hot coal. I wanted to put it in my belly button – symbolism there, right! But I put it down and closed the door. No burn. It’s been suggested (in a book?) that I draw on my body where I would cut or burn. I haven’t tried that because it doesn’t seem as satisfying. I WANT there to be injury. There’s usually very little pain if any. I can feel the skin being cut. The deeper the cut, the less pain and it becomes more of a detached observation. And I wonder what a stab feels like. With burning, I’ve found that if I focus on it, there is little actual pain and it can almost feel cold. I’ve noticed that over the years when I’ve had that rash on my hand and was running hit water over them. It felt more cold than hot. Is it detachment? Is it like when I shut down during difficult conversations and find myself expressing very little emotion, voice getting quieter and losing affect, body not moving? If I become very still, maybe my heart won’t hurt so much.

This wall between us is driving me crazy. I want to talk, but am afraid to initiate it, and Dave won’t.

Need to sleep . Lorazepam time.