Gooood Day!

When my son  was young, life was always an adventure!

When my son was young, life was always an adventure!

I know my last few posts have focussed on stress I’ve felt lately, possibly due to starting a new job. But today I feel good! I just spent an hour reading blogs that I follow, and found many of them helped me to feel more positive, especially http://gentleperseverence.wordpress.com/Her post today was about getting onto a different footing,  and also Life After BPDhttp://mybpdstory.wordpress.com/2013/08/09/progress-on-feelings/ and how she made great progress in communicating/reacting with her husband. I gained a lot from these postings! I hope to be able to take the information and incorporate it into my own life.

Gentle Perseverence (Gel) was having a down day, yet managed to be kind to herself and took several steps that helped her feel better about where she was at and what she was able to do – without succumbing to unhealthy coping habits.

In Life After BPD, the author speaks to her relationship with her husband and how they were able to talk about how she was reacting to arguments (BPD-wise) and what could be different.

I’m going to try and learn from them both. Reading the different blogs, this morning, gave me a feeling of hope. It is making for a good day!

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Feelings are the Voice of my Nature

As I read this I thought about BPD. If a feeling is the voice of nature inside you, is it always storming? I believe what it says, and it says a lot about my own nature if it is true. I don’t know, but this simple post and statement has given me a lot to think about. I’m interested in what others think of it. Please share your thoughts with me.

Pleiades513

“A feeling is the voice of the nature inside you.
Preventing your feelings makes you deny your own nature.”

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My BPD is Rambling

From Roger Waters “The Wall” concert 6/2012 Chicago

I started today by catching up on reading a number of blogs that I follow. Several of them had to do with Thanksgiving, the upcoming holidays and the emotional turmoil that often accompanies them. Suddenly, my upcoming trip home for Christmas broke open a dam of fear and apprehension of how I will make it there and back unscathed by myself. I realized this as I commented on a post …  http://authorjaenwirefly.wordpress.com/2012/11/22/thanksgiving-borderline-style/  and found myself rambling all over the place.

Based on previous holidays, I panic, get swallowed up in anxiety, rage and can’t seem to enjoy a day for what it is – time with family.  I know that that is all that really matters. Everyone knows me well enough and is forgiving enough to just let me “be”, but I can’t seem to do that. I’m not ok with it.

My mind starts to run and can’t seem to stop. My coping skills leave a lot to be desired. Blogging has helped so I’ll probably be doing a bit more of it. I’m also going through a de-medicating period due to no insurance and a lack of believing that there is any value in me spending hundreds of dollars a month on medication for myself. I don’t feel like I’m worth it. So, I’m phasing out my anti-depressant and mood stabilizers. The anti-depressant is almost out. The mood stabilizer should last about another month. Any suggestions for holistic alternatives? I do have old antidepressant prescriptions, but am hesitant to use them because  I know I stopped using them for various reasons – even if I can’t remember the reasons. I don’t know why I still have them around … habitual holder onto of medications. I have a bin full of them. Probably not a good idea in and of itself even though medication hasn’t really been a way of self harm. I have misused and self medicated before. Here I go rambling. See what I mean? That’s what gets me into trouble. And it’s still four weeks until my trip. Yikes! What have I gotten myself into?!

Local warning signs

I just realized …

I just realized I haven’t written in about a week. I have been busy reading other blogs, playing with my puppy (3 months old), making new friends here through swimming class. TODAY, my outlook is good. I’ve had periods of sadness, anger, anxiety … the gamut that usually torment me … but not for sustained periods. The blogs of others, especially  Jaen Wirefly’s (You Know You’re Borderline When …) posts on mindfulness and Gypsy’s (Through my eyes: Adventures in Boreline Land) reminder to think positively. Others have shared progress going on in their lives (Mandi) and just shared some humorous anecdotes about their family and children (John the Aussie). There are others and you’ve all kept me moving forward!

My husband now is employed, almost full time, although still no benefits, so that takes some of the worry off. He is not pressuring me to go back to work yet. I want to, but don’t feel the time is right just now. Making friends and building that support network, here in a new environment, is what I need to do first. The people in our community are very friendly and welcoming. I’m putting forth the effort to make friends, which I never really did before. I’m struggling with parenting a 16 year old boy – who is a great kid, but is still a 16 year old boy with all that that entails. Thank God I’m not a single parent!

Having more than a day or two in a row without the yuk is kind of scary, but good. I’ve been having days with short periods of distress that I’ve been able to stay with and not succumb to. I appreciate the good days and know the bad days won’t last forever. But I know this “thing” won’t ever leave me for good also, and that’s somewhat distressing – but is what it is and not an excuse to check out. I do have a son to set an example for. 

How Do You Say Good-bye?

Valley of Death from Little Round Top

Valley of Death from Little Round Top (Photo credit: jwolf312)                                                       “Yea, though I walk through the Valley of Death…”

 

“How do you say good-bye?” was a question asked by a therapist to a fellow BPD blogger. The question hit me like the literal sack of bricks. The first person I truly remember having to say good-bye to was my grandmother. I couldn’t emotionally let go. And we weren’t even close – but I wanted to be.

Is that my biggest fear, hidden inside of abandonment, anger and sadness? What does saying good-bye mean? What’s GOOD about it? Loss, separation,  transition, death, forever alone. When you say good-bye, what does it say about you? Do you no longer need or want that person? Have you “outgrown” them? Become more independent?

There’s so much wrapped up inside the title of this post that I’m struggling to understand. It makes me feel anxious to think about saying good-bye to people I may never see again, whether I want to see them or not. It reminds me of all that I’ve said good-bye to in the past, mostly due to death, that I wish “good-bye” had been “I’m always here with you.” And animals are as difficult as people.

I know this post is short, but it’s given me a lot to think about. If I keep on writing, I’ll end up recounting every death I fear; those that have happened and those that inevitably will happen because to live also means there will be death.

Let me know your thoughts.