Afraid

I’m very afraid of what this new approach to my therapy will bring. But I asked for it. I feel like I’m in Limbo. Something am waits, but what. I want to force it out of hiding, yet fear it will be my undoing to do so. The fear makes me want to do things to myself to avoid facing it … Binge, purge, cut, burn, drink, pills … My skin is crawling. I don’t really want to hurt myself, just trying to avoid the unknown fear. Binging and purging isn’t working. I’ve no strong desire to cut and burn (feelings aren’t at that intensity right now) and having a drink just makes me sadly aware of the fear and avoidance.
I want to talk but am afraid of what I might say or ask. The truth might be too hard, too uncomfortable – demanding what of me?

“I don’t think you really have BPD,” She said. Then what? Am I just fucked up? I know my life is a dream compared to others. But I cannot deny the fear and trepidation that fill me. I put on a laughing facade around my friends. They say they are always there to help, but how can they? This all seems so childish of me. Get over it! Shut up the words that resound in your head. Silence can be so deafening.

Drinking makes me depressed, just like they say it will. Not a good thing to do. Ok, off to bed. Night all.

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Hi … ? Needing information from other BPDs

Ahh Doctor can I have another

Ahh Doctor can I have another

I want to post today, but I’m at a loss for words. I’m done with my day/group therapy using CBT. It was part of what I need, but definitely not all. I had just gotten to the point of understanding some coping skills, and then BAM, I was done with the program. I’m still working on setting up therapy in CA, but nothing definitive yet. I see my psychiatrist this week and really need to find an alternative to Lamotrgine that doesn’t cause weight gain. On it, I gained 25 pounds in 2 months! Considering I had just lost about 15 pound, this was devastating. If it continues, I’m worried that it will trigger unhealthy self harming behavior.

Obesity Campaign Poster

Obesity Campaign Poster (Photo credit: Pressbound)

This was not good at all. I’m now about 100 pounds over weight (at my best weight) but would be ok with being 10-15 pound above what the charts say. Comes down to being very over weight, no matter how you look at it. The only med for mood stabilization that I was able to locate information online about is Topomax. Has anyone heard of or used it? Do you know of any other medication that doesn’t cause weight gain? I was taken off of Abilify because it caused me to be very constipated. However, I’ve been off it for 4-5 days and am still bound up. Once a week bowel movements are not ok with me! I’ve done some research and most mood stabilizers cause weight gain.

Mainly, today I am trying to find anything I can about Topomax and/or other mood stabilizers that don’t cause weight gain. And, are there any readers in the Sacramento area that are in DBT who can help me find a good therapist and group.

Thanks everyone!