Afraid

I’m very afraid of what this new approach to my therapy will bring. But I asked for it. I feel like I’m in Limbo. Something am waits, but what. I want to force it out of hiding, yet fear it will be my undoing to do so. The fear makes me want to do things to myself to avoid facing it … Binge, purge, cut, burn, drink, pills … My skin is crawling. I don’t really want to hurt myself, just trying to avoid the unknown fear. Binging and purging isn’t working. I’ve no strong desire to cut and burn (feelings aren’t at that intensity right now) and having a drink just makes me sadly aware of the fear and avoidance.
I want to talk but am afraid of what I might say or ask. The truth might be too hard, too uncomfortable – demanding what of me?

“I don’t think you really have BPD,” She said. Then what? Am I just fucked up? I know my life is a dream compared to others. But I cannot deny the fear and trepidation that fill me. I put on a laughing facade around my friends. They say they are always there to help, but how can they? This all seems so childish of me. Get over it! Shut up the words that resound in your head. Silence can be so deafening.

Drinking makes me depressed, just like they say it will. Not a good thing to do. Ok, off to bed. Night all.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Afraid

  1. I hear you….”afraid”. It sounds intense. Your feelings are valid. Even if your feelings don’t match what is going on outside yourself….if you feel something it is valid in and of itself.

    With the new approach in therapy…is there a way to take it at your own pace? A “middle path” …..not forcing, but not fleeing….being grounded while facing difficult stuff? With the therapist being a supportive wise buddy???

    Keep writing….expressing….thanks for sharing.

    xxoo

    • As I replied to SavemefromBPD, I hope it helps but am afraid I’ll have to get a new counselor and practitioner (for my meds) when I start my new job and have insurance through it. Currently, my insurance is for low income and that’s all the mental health agency takes. Yet another fear and new beginning.

  2. I’d say first of all, it is REALLY great that you are being honest and open like this. You are expressing yourself very well and what you are saying makes sense and is not ‘abnormal’!

    I also have the desire to hurt myself, but don’t feel like cutting and alcohol, I know, is always a bad idea even though I’ve done it time and time again and said ‘never again’, you know how that goes.

    You probably feel the same way.. I’m kind of left searching for something I can do to express myself more or let out the pain, or something, but can’t find it.

    I’d say to you that you should be as open and honest as you have been here with the new therapy, and hopefully you will be able to over time work on these issues and things will become easier. It is of course going to take time and patience and hard work, but I think if you are open to it and you go and do it, you will succeed.

    I wish you success and I really hope things are even a little bit easier for you today. Take care. xx

  3. Catherine, I agree with savemefrombpd. You are speaking from the heart here, I hope you do the same with your therapy. Allow yourself to feel the fear and be as open and honest as you possibly can.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s