Chi update

Thanks for all the kind thoughts for my dog, Chi. It’s been two weeks, but she’s slowly getting better. There’s a little bounce in her step, her tail is wagging, she wants to interact with us … but doesn’t really want to play or go for a hike yet. Things really turned around after she got a cortisone shot, and some different medications (and prednisone.) I worry that the underlying cause has to do with the bones in her hips and hind legs. I don’t know if she will be ok for the long term after the medication course is done, or if we will have a good spell and then need to repeat. She’s only a year old. I hope to have many years of love with her still. But for now, I’ll enjoy what we have. She was a lifesaver, last fall, when I was REALLY depressed and needed her unconditional love. She gave it as only a puppy or dog can.  IMG_1682 IMG_2339 IMG_1371

 

 

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Unconditional Love and a Time for Change

I’ve felt better lately than I’ve felt in well over a year. Not sure why. Maybe all the stress from my last year or two has finally dissipated. I’m glad for whatever reason. It’s allowed me to be emotionally available for my son as his girlfriend breaks up with him, yet again and probably for good. Last night, he asked me to hang out with him, in his room, and watch a movie. I cherished it. Sometimes you just want to be with someone that you know loves you unconditionally. Mom love. So, we watched one of those feel-good cartoon movies. Very calming.

I know there are many people out there, healthy or mentally ill, who haven’t had or have a mother who loves them unconditionally, and I feel very sad about that. It really is a loss. My son and I argue – a LOT! He’s almost seventeen, and we’re both stubborn. But even in the midst of a huge argument, I know that I can stop and tell him that I love him, and he will say that he loves me too. To me, that speaks volumes about unconditional love between a parent and child. I know that he has no doubt that he is loved and valued, just because he “is.”  For me, always having a very low self esteem, it says that I have accomplished a major goal in parenting. And it helps me feel better about myself.

That grain of feeling better about my self will hopefully flourish and grow and be able to feed me in having the strength of resolve to make other positive changes in my life. The positive changes that I’m addressing are finding a job that respects and honors me as a valuable person, and taking better care of myself through addressing emotional eating, exercising more and in constructive ways for weight loss and making healthier food choices (and choices in general.) I’m fifty and have at least eighty pounds that I’d like to lose. I’m going to do something scary here and show three pictures of me: thin ( 2 @ twenty years ago) and fat (current picture.) I’m not sure quite how I lost control of my weight over the years, but I hate the way my body feels now. I need to appreciate and love myself, respect and take care of myself so that I can be at my best – and fully be there for those I love.

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Almost 50 Years – And Who Am I?

I’m coming up on my 50th birthday in 2 months. I have to say that I don’t feel like I’m 50 years old. I don’t feel like any particular age at all.

 

Question Time (TV series)

Question Time (TV series) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Maybe that’s part of the BPD; some days I feel like the lost child that’s about 2 years old, some days I’m the reckless teenager, some days I’m the newly wed nervous young bride or anxious mother, and other days I’m the nagging wife whose been married for decades. And it can all happen in a matter of seconds or minutes as well. It makes it very hard to keep time in perspective. My years have been filled with blessings, even if I sometimes challenge them. I have a wonderful son and husband. I’m often angry with them, but that doesn’t make them any less wonderful. And I have a family that loves me unconditionally. Yes, I’ve inherited some of my mental issues from them, and I grew up in a pretty different/normal (there was  something but you couldn’t put your finger on it) kind of environment. I grew up never learning to say “no” to people – so I have a lot of boundary issues with people and at work. That meant that you could always count on me to get a lot done, but I always put myself last. I never learned to stand up for myself, although I’ve always stood up for others who I felt were being taken advantage of. It has stressed me to where I don’t know who “Iam apart from my spouse, family or job.

As I sit here typing this, I’m deciding that one of the things I want to do for myself for my 50th birthday is to begin to figure out who I am – apart  from everyone else. If I were to find myself transported to a different country, alone, what would I be like? If I were asked what movie I wanted to see, restaurant I wanted to go to, where I wanted to go for the day etc. and I didn’t have anyone to turn to to see what THEY might want … what might my answer be? OK, I’ll be honest here … since I’ve been with my husband since before I turned 18, it’s him I’ve always looked to, not just anyone. And I’m soon to be transported 2000 miles away, while he’ll probably have to stay here a bit longer. So the situation is real. This will happen. And it actually scares me. He has been so much of my identity for most of my life that it’s hard to imagine making decisions without him. Like being single. My fear is that I will transfer that onto my 16 year old son who will be with me.