As the weekend ends – feeling fragile

I think I’ve made it through my weekend pretty well. Very little disagreeing with my son. We both worked hard on it. But I am feeling fragile right now. I went to a concert today. Two concert pianists. As the first one started to play, I almost lost it and had a VERY hard time holding back the tears. My dad (who passed away this past May) played the piano. We had a grand piano in our living room the while I was growing up and as long as my parents had their house. It looked a lot like the one at the concert. The sound of the solitary piano filled me with grieving for my dad. I composed myself. The second pianist started playing and I was back in my grief again. Every time I thought of my dad, through the whole concert, I was choking back sobs. Afterwards, I tried to mention it to the friend I was with, because she is aware of how I can be emotionally, but couldn’t because the tears and grief immediately took over. It’s kept me on the edge all evening. Not of self injuring, just emotional frailty. I want to be held and able to cry. But that won’t happen. I talked to my brother on the phone for 45 minutes. How are you doing, he asked. I tried to say something about it, but felt myself slipping. Tears are streaming down my face as I type this now. I’ve dreamt of my dad a lot lately. And the experience of being with him as he died. Loss. Inside, I feel like a little girl whose dad is no longer there for her. Abandonment? I’m 51 years old now. You’d think I’m adult enough not to be this bothered by it, yet I am. I’ve asked my dad to come to me as a ghost if he can. I just don’t want him to be gone. He had a TON of his own issues to deal with, but I always knew he loved me.  

I miss you, Dad. I love you. 


An inkling of why I fight with my son so much

Another fight with my son today, although not a huge one. Now he’s off with a friend, husband’s gone for the afternoon, and I just had a drink. Doing yard work that I’d asked my son to do (and pay him for doing) that he just wasn’t getting around to doing – I got to thinking about our relationship.

I keep being told that I’m driving him away, when there is less than a year until he’s 18 and ready to head out on his own, instead of appreciating the time. Why? That question keeps plaguing me. I know that in the past I have not let people get close, or showed/told them my worst to see if it would be too much for them. Kind of pushing them away from me before they chose to leave (abandon) me because I was “too bad.” Is this what I’m doing with my son? Pushing him away because I know he’ll be leaving anyway?

I create my own Hell.


Feeling discouraged and hopeless

So I’ve gotten a part time job as a teacher aide, when I was a special education teacher with a Masters degree, and am having days when I feel THIS is too much! I don’t spend much time in the classroom – and then I don’t seem to be much help. Recess is …. Not what you might think. Especially the day before a camp out! I’ll be staying back to work in the office.

Will I ever be able to teach special Ed again? I hope so. Small groups.

Post Assessment

I had (most of) my assessment done by the county a few days ago. Yes, I should have help. It was the 3rd or 4th assessment done in the past year and a half. Why am I surprised that nothing has changed? Some good news, though, is that the county is starting a DBT group in a few weeks. The staff was just trained. But, as usually happens when I’m in the status of getting help, it brings everything to the forefront of my mind. And that makes me depressed. No pretending it isn’t hovering nearby. No denying it’s existence. Facing it is hard to do, but I must. Hopefully, this DBT group will help me to get AND USE tools to make my episodes less traumatic for myself and my family. The thought of talking to people, honestly, generates a lot of fear and wanting to numb myself. But I have to do something. All my meds are gone.

Good for awhile, then falling (failing?)

I’ve been very anxious since my last meltdown (last Thursday), finding myself avoiding on lots of fronts. I’m back to not sleeping well again, and wake up thinking about my last job. I don’t know if my going back to work is triggering things or not, but it doesn’t feel good. I’m calling the county mental health department today to see if they have anyone who works on a reduced fee schedule. Still no insurance, but most psych’s out here don’t seem to take insurance anyways. I’ve been using up old scripts of friends, since mine have all run out. Not cool, I know, but it’s what I have. 
Then again, I wonder – because nothing ever seems to really make a difference: therapy, medications … Once I’m triggered, I’m over the edge. I don’t want to kill myself. I want this to be gone. I want to see and experience happiness, and bring happiness to others. My family. 
I feel the heavy wrappings of depression hovering near. Moments of levity are precious. Then, with silence and time, the lights darken and my heart and soul become heavy again. 
Every time I fall into BPD behaviors and thinking, I feel like I’ve failed. It’s still here. A curse.

Gooood Day!

When my son  was young, life was always an adventure!

When my son was young, life was always an adventure!

I know my last few posts have focussed on stress I’ve felt lately, possibly due to starting a new job. But today I feel good! I just spent an hour reading blogs that I follow, and found many of them helped me to feel more positive, especially post today was about getting onto a different footing,  and also Life After BPD and how she made great progress in communicating/reacting with her husband. I gained a lot from these postings! I hope to be able to take the information and incorporate it into my own life.

Gentle Perseverence (Gel) was having a down day, yet managed to be kind to herself and took several steps that helped her feel better about where she was at and what she was able to do – without succumbing to unhealthy coping habits.

In Life After BPD, the author speaks to her relationship with her husband and how they were able to talk about how she was reacting to arguments (BPD-wise) and what could be different.

I’m going to try and learn from them both. Reading the different blogs, this morning, gave me a feeling of hope. It is making for a good day!