Stepping Forward

Balance Beam The last element of the Stanwick ...

As I may or may not have mentioned before, I’m unable to start in a DBT program until we move. But my psychologist still wanted me to be in SOME program until then. Yesterday, I began a partial hospitalization program that does group therapy, all day, five days a week. Day one went pretty well, even though I hadn’t told my husband that I was doing it. He’s been distant lately as he tries to process all that’s been going on with me. Anyway, one of the sessions was experiential therapy and we worked on an obstacle on a ropes course. It was a low hanging log, kind of like a balance beam but would swing from side to side. We had rubber discs that we were to place along the ground on either side of the log, distanced as to how we felt various people were close to us. Then, we were to walk along the log with the instructor there to guide us, as well as group members who were standing on the placed discs. When it was my turn, I stood and tried to focus and find my center of gravity/balance. As I walked across, those closer to the log reached out to offer assistance to me. I started to reach out to them and then pulled back, not taking the assistance (except for the instructor). The log represented our journey through life. Almost at the end, I ended up taking a diving jump off to the side, pulling the instructor into the log and hitting her shin. The group then processed my journey and reluctance to accept assistance. I felt like I had the knowledge and had to reach into myself and only count on myself to get through it. Interesting. Then, we were to do the journey again, but could place the discs anywhere we wanted to tell others how we wanted them to participate. I skipped the discs but asked one of the guys to straddle the log, facing me, hold my hands and walk with me across the log. I said he could jump on and off the log, do whatever, while holding onto my hands. He represented the relationship I want to have with my husband, going through the journey together, playing and enjoying each other the whole way through. It was a very sad and powerful experience. However, if I can learn and grow through this, it will be very rewarding.

Now, it’s time for me to head off to day number 2 of this therapy. I’ll keep you posted. By the way, last night my husband asked me what I was doing today and I said I had some group work to do, all day. So at least he’s aware of it now, even if not the details of time and duration. More to follow.

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First Post

Hi, I’ve just begun my recovery from decades of BPD that was never addressed. I’ve coped, at my family’s expense. That is no longer acceptable to me. We all deserve to be happy and to find joy in life. My hope is that it isn’t too late for me or those close to me. I’m desperately afraid of what demons I will be challenged with facing, be they experiences, issues or emotions. Right now, I’m feeling very lonely and apprehensive about stepping into this journey. But step forward I must because going backward isn’t an option and staying put is debilitating. So, here goes!

Lonely Wolf

Lonely Wolf (Photo credit: Ghetu Daniel)