If I were …

Both Lola¬†and Pride in Madness posted this. After thinking of my responses, I decided to as well. A change from thinking about what I’m about currently. ūüôā

How would YOU answer? Here are my thoughts on each, “If I were …”

Those are hard questions for me to answer – but I’ll try.
If I were a politician, I would be unsuccessful because I don’t want to be swayed by parties and institutions more focused on money than doing the right thing.

If I were a pop star, I would actually be able to sing – and that would be great! I can’t sing, and my son has continually informed me of that since he was able to speak. So much for every child loving the sound of their mother’s voice! LOL

If I were a film star, I would be Katharine Hepburn or Audry Hepburn. (same last name, but I don’t think they’re related. ) I just like their style and I’d have loved to be wispy like Audry!

audry hepburn

audry hepburn (Photo credit: c-millie)

If I were a in a soap opera, well let’s just skip that one. I hate them. Dumb and silly.

If I were a writer, I would write adventurous fantasy books like The Hobbit. Books that can take you away and let you forget about your life for awhile.

If I were a tv host, I would be witty, down to earth good looking, honest, sincere … are there any hosts like that out there to compare with?

If I were a criminal, I would be Robin Hood. You know the story!

If I were a mythical beast, I would be a forest elf. Still going with the wispy look of Audry Hepburn.

If I were a Disney character, I would be the main character in Brave. Although I haven’t seen the movie – I’m going off of the commercials.

If I were a drug, I would be – WOW, that one’s REALLY tough! Do I want to repair something, create a feeling, or what? I really don’t know.

Our New Puppy

Chi

If I were an animal, I would probably be a dog. Wanting and giving lots of love, likes to learn         things, can chill or go on an adventure with you. Strong bonds, yet still maintaining their own personality.

¬† If I were a piece of food, I would be lasagna – complex and simple (depending on how you make it), enjoyed by most people, comforting to eat, warm, good food. Haven’t made it in years though.

   If I were an illness, I would be Рwhy would anyone want to be an illness? As it is, I already feel like I am an illness that plagues my world. Skip.

If I were a mood, I would be sunny, positive and loving. Also passionate.

If I were a holiday resort, I would be Hedonism II. A fun place to be.

If I were a pattern, I would be paisley. Don’t know exactly why, just like the swirls and curves. Remind me of the yin yangYin and yang stones

If I were a tree, I would be an old, strong oak tree. Great for climbing, been around to see A LOT, provide shelter to what is in the branches and what rests below. But a maple would be cool too, with great color in the fall. No, an oak.

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Do I make life better or worse for others?

Tonight, I sat on the deck with my dog and wrapped her rope around my neck and pulled. I want to be here, but I don’t want to always be “that way” or fighting with others.

I stopped when I got to the point that choked. I thought of all the kids who play the “choking game”. I don’t want my life to end that way.

Just hit a rut.. I’m still here and plan to stay.

Up a tree …

DCIM100MEDIA

Today, I did something I haven’t done in at least 20 years, if not 30 or so. I climbed a tree. I was an avid tree climber as a child. When I was a teen, I had a favorite tree I would climb to read books in. I loved being above the ground, possibly able to watch people and other happenings going on below me, whether of animals or people. I was having a period of detachment today.

Not really happy with how my day, or my son and husband’s responses to me, were going. In a spontaneous moment, I decided to walk the path down our hill and examine the trees and underbrush. I had wanted my husband to do this with me, but it didn’t seem to be happening. I’m frustrated about that, as we’ve lived here for over six months now and he has yet to walk beyond the back yard with me. So, I set off on my own. As I came to a cluster of trees, seen a bit off the path, growing haphazardly and leaning almost horizontal to the ground, I was drawn to them. Drawn back to my childhood and time spent alone on a branch with leaves all around me. I climbed up several before going back to one that suited my mood.

Once out on the limb, I laid down along it, hooking my feet back on the branch behind me. The sun was shining through the leaves so I stretched out and was able to pillow my hand under my head. Closing my eyes, I listened to all the sounds around me. Birds hopped around the undergrowth and leaves, creating a shuffling sound. Other animals; dogs, horses and other birds Рas well as people, could be heard in the distance from different directions.

As I lay there, wanting to fall asleep connected to the tree, I wondered if my husband or son would come looking ¬†for me. I hadn’t said a word about going anywhere. I just went. I wondered, if they did come, if they would see me stretched along the tree limb or if they would walk right by. But they didn’t come looking. Was I missed at all? That thought leads to a¬†myriad¬†of other thoughts of which I won’t¬†pursue¬†during this post. I enjoyed the peace and mindfulness of my time in the tree. It was restful.

Perhaps it’s good that no one looked for me. If they had found me, the tree would no longer be a special place. As it is, I feel that I can return there and no one will be the wiser. It felt good, as if I were nurturing myself – or at least the child within. I always liked those secret places and actions of mine when a child. It made me feel a bit wild, like an animal; a connection I’ve always felt¬†solace¬†in. While in the tree, I wasn’t a middle aged, fat woman with “issues.” It was just me. Something in me that will always be different, a bit ferral.

Cutting Edginess

Custom X-Acto 2

Custom X-Acto 2 (Photo credit: grumblegeek)

I want to cut. I don’t know why, but I do. It feels like I’m having an affair with this desire. Why? I’m hovering at my desk, behind my husbands back. We went out for New Year’s Eve and stayed in a hotel. I took my exacto knife, though I didn’t use it. I want to. I don’t know why. I’ve been drinking more, perhaps that’s it. Then, why do I drink? I don’t know why. My meds are out, but I’m still here. My heart beats faster, a secret feeling – this desire. Why? Why? My mood is even, maybe that’s what’s scaring me. It feels uncomfortable, not right, not me. My son is on vacation now, 2,000 miles away. Our arguing is often a trigger because I can’t let go, let him fly. I’ve emailed the last psychiatrist I had – asking for prescriptions. I think I may really need those meds before I fall off the fence of this … contemplation. I really want to cut, it satisfies. It helps me hold in words, thoughts, fears of life I can’t identify. I’m contemplating, examining … where can I cut and it not be seen? I want relief, not attention for it. I’ve learned that I can’t get attention the way I always crave. No deep embrace or touching my face. In love. The love is there, but expression has changed. We’ve gotten older together. It was never your style, though I wanted it so. I want to cut, for more reasons than one. But none of it matters. People just don’t understand. How can I smile and make it all seem so nice? But once distractions are gone, and I’m left to contemplate, I wonder what old age will be like and I see a blank slate. Many times, my husband has asked what I’ll do when our son has gone, into adulthood and away from our home. What will I worry about and fight? I think he’s afraid that he’s next. I really want to cut. A pressure valve of emotions to help keep them hidden. To look normal and happy, I need a distraction. To cut would do it … I could work it for days. Deeper and deeper, like the one behind my knee. I’ve no reason to feel this way, yet I do. It has become my normal. I don’t know how to be truly honest in my feelings and actions. I always live trying to meet expectations. Right this moment, I’m not unhappy or mad (that I know of) yet I still want to cut. For relief from what?

Ranting Ramblings of Depression

This is how I'm feeling

This is how I’m feeling

Today is Friday. Wednesday I spent all day on the verge of tears or crying. No fighting with anyone, just very emotional even when no one else was home. It didn’t get any better yesterday except that my son was angry at me. Teenage stuff that I recognized and didn’t take on, but it didn’t help. I’m going to see people and teachers I used to work with who, and will ask what I’ve been doing for the last six months – not teaching, working or looking for work. I will also see the other senseis at the karate dojo I trained and taught at, and they too, will want to know – but in regards to my martial arts. I haven’t felt able to do any of it. I’m just barely beginning to feel ready to look for a part time job – far below the stress level of the special education teaching that I did last year. I don’t feel able to take on the responsibility of running classes, scheduling, billing, etc. for my own students.

This morning, I come into the living room to see breaking news about a school in CT where some person(s) shot and killed 27 people, including 18 elementary children. Elementary Children! All I could think about was the years when I was teaching and what I would have done or tried to do if someone had come into the room. How would I have tried to protect my students? There were no closets or second doorways. No cupboards or wide opening windows. They would have been sitting ducks. It makes me sick to think about it. Why would anyone do such a thing? Immediately, the press goes to gun laws. Those laws don’t stop people like this. For someone who is sick and desperate, they always find a way to get what they need to do the act.

I haven’t begun to pack. I don’t want to pack. That means traveling, transition. It’ll probably be ok once I’m there, but right now I’m in the transition phase.

I don’t do well with transitions. I want to go back to bed and pull the covers up over my head. Sleep is an ok transition because you’re not so aware of going through it. You wake up and it’s done.

Go Beyond Fear

Fear

Fear (Photo credit: Susi Watson)

As I was sitting at my laptop responding to comments and catching up on reading blogs, I happened to see my Shambhala cards and realized I hadn’t pulled one out in quite awhile. I had been posting a few of them months ago. They seemed relevant as points to ponder; for me at least. So, pausing in my blog readings, I picked up the box and pulled out the next card, #10 … Go beyond fear.

OK, my attention has been caught! I have been struggling, as I have been meditating over the last couple of days, because there is some kind of blockage that I know is caused by fear. That fear is on top of my always ongoing fear of abandonment, loss, and a whole slew of other bits and pieces that basically have made me afraid of truly enjoying life. Go beyond fear.

I turn the card over to read the commentary.

“When you examine your fear, if you look beneath the veneer of your nervousness, you find sadness.” OMG! This is me! How many times has my husband told me that he wishes I could be happy and that he doesn’t think I ever will be. “Nervousness is cranking up, vibrating all the time. When you slow down, when you relax with your fear, the sadness is calm and gentle. In the Shambhala tradition, discovering fearlessness comes from working with the softness of the human heart.”¬†

I am getting reading to do my meditation; the same one that I have struggled with for the past few days. My hope is that, after having read this card and reflecting on it, I will make more progress today. I have always thought that fear was at the base of my emotions. It is a new thought to think that the fear actually masks sadness. But it makes sense for what else would be the balance to happiness other than sadness? Yin and Yang.

Meditation and the uprising

I’ve been trying to meditate several times a week lately. I enjoy it as a time of relaxation and calming of my mind and senses. There are several guided meditations that I’ve used, but the one I’ve focussed on most lately is:¬†“Awakening Kundalini Meditation” by Kelly Howell.¬†Usually, I feel very good and relaxed as the meditation opens up various areas of my body. At one point, energy is sent up the spine towards the head.

Screen Shot 2012-12-07 at 8.29.33 AM

Yesterday, that upward push of energy was totally blocked and was almost painful. I felt very anxious throughout it. Instead of energy massaging my brain positively, I felt a churning cauldron of colors locked in my gut. The energy would go no higher than that. Fractured images of faces – not positive ones – appeared and disappeared in my mind’s eye. I found waiting and wanting the meditation to be over with.

English: Diagram of chakras and Kundalini in a...

English: Diagram of chakras and Kundalini in a human being Italiano: Diagramma dei chakra e della Kundalini in un essere umano (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve never experienced this with meditation before. Is it connected with my weaning off of mood medications? My hope is that by continuing to work through and stay with the meditations, I will be able to stay grounded and flow with the energy, not blocking it. Something is trying to happen within me. Perhaps the meditation will keep me breathing and give me a path to turn to when I’d rather turn to negativity, rage, cutting, burning, hiding in my head and hating myself. I need to follow this uprising of feeling – even though it doesn’t feel so good. That’s exactly why I need to do it. Enlightenment.