Dwindling Supply

I’m down to just a few days of anti depressants left. I’ve only been taking them every other day for a month now – to make them last longer. And I’ve got about a month’s worth of mood stabilizers, now that I’ve cut my dose in half – again, to make them last longer. All this as the holidays are upon us. A time known to be difficult for stress, depression and anxiety, especially for those who struggle with those issues during on an ongoing basis.

I’ve tried to devise a scaffolding to help me through this. I’m also taking fish oil, a multivitamin and B complex. I’m striving for eight hours of sleep a night and some form of exercise, be it yoga, hiking or yard work, every day. I’ve made new friends and shared my struggles with a few who are supportive and open to talking/listening without judgement. I’m trying to meditate every day, but have succeeded in doing it 3-4 times a week.

But I’m scared. The slightest harsh word makes me want to hurt myself. I don’t know why. I’t’s like a whip lashing at me and I feel it tearing away at my insides. Hurting myself by my own cutting or burning pulls that away. I should be the one to punish me, hurt me. Maybe then the words of others won’t hurt so much. If I’m causing myself pain, I can increase it and it numbs what is coming at me from my environment.

The funny thing is, when I’m being hurt by others, they usually don’t even know they are doing it. Ha Ha. Joke’s on me. Sometimes┬ádissociation seems like a good thing. A protective void. Feels like I’m invisible. Down a hole, looking up and watching the world while being unobserved. Or up a tree, hiding in the branches.

When I was a young teen, I used to wish I had been a feral child. Running wild with the wolves. Away from people. Animals were safe. True. You knew the rules. That’s never been the case with people. Even with myself.

My son tells me I alway change what I say. Maybe I say what I think I’m suppose to do, then my impulsivity and fear jump in and I react with a different answer.

I can already feel my fear increasing as my medication dwindles. Soon there will be none. The only thing I still have is Lorazapam. LOTS of those! But I’ve not been taking them because I’m afraid I’ll take too many and they can’t take the place of an antidepressant or mood stabilizer – Can they?

I haven’t been anxious for awhile … The doctor had me on them before the mood stabilizer. I didn’t seem to need them afterwards. But I kept them in case.

I just want to go to sleep through it all. The bad parts that is. But I’m the one who creates the bad parts for myself. If I’m asleep or no around, there are no bad parts. I am my enemy, my fear. I can’t escape me – ever!