I need some feedback on this explanation for my husband. PLEASE!

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emotion (Photo credit: photo.anger)

I’m trying to clarify what’s going on with me for my husband – how he seems to perceive it vs how I perceive it. But I’d like to get some feedback from you who follow my blog to see if what I’ve written makes sense. Please help me to clarify this as much as I can for him. He loves me and I love him.

Here’s how it seems that you see me – please correct me if and where I am wrong. And then I will attempt to explain how I perceive myself to you.

Here seems to be what we’ve both observed: I don’t do well with calmness. I need to keep my plate full to overfull.

* You told me that I seem to seek out things to get upset about. And if those get resolved, I find other things.
* I need to be upset. I need to feel like a martyr

* I take little things and make them into big things.
* I pick on Peter, or you

* I take things too personally
* I don’t see how little wrongs are in the big picture ( I can’t tolerate them) all or nothing
* I obsess
* I look for things to be wrong

* I don’t seem to want to be happy

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OK, Here’s what it feels like from inside me … pretty  creepy some times

* ANGER upsets me: mine, yours, Dad’s – anyone’s. Loud voices, doors slamming, screams. It doesn’t have to be directed at me even. But I’m always afraid it will be. It can be in a movie, a book, taking place in my vicinity, caused by me, aimed at me,  …

* I feel very anxious about … everything … my work (that I can’t do it right, have become incompetent ….etc) moving, making decisions, choices I’ve make that have impact where we’re at in life now, how I’ve been as a parent, wife, daughter, what I’ll do after we move.
* I love you very much and most of the time I feel that you know best about everything. However, there are moments, when my thinking gets twisted and I lose sight of that and only see what I’m upset about, and can’t see the good for the bad (so to speak) It’s called black and white thinking. This doesn’t happen often, but like my anger, is like a switch being flipped. impulsive.
* Sometimes, when we’re arguing, I may seem to drift off and to seem to be taking what you’re saying very seriously. What it is it that I can’t connect with what you’re saying so I dissociate from it. This doesn’t happen often, only when I’m really upset by what’s being said  like when you said you didn’t think you could stay with me. I just couldn’t register that.

* Nothing seems top be able to remain “little” in my mind. It’s not that I TRY to take little thing and make them into big things, it’s just that by having them around as “issues”, they hale me avoid myself – what are actually the real big issues. Same with picking fights with Peter and you. keeping it away from myself, – I’m not the problem. When I really am. What my problem is is how emotionally sensitive I am an how difficult it is for me to control y emotions. That seems to be why I try and divert everything away from MY emotions and onto someone else’ or some other situation.
* I keep thinking that if someone or something forces me to come face to face with myself, without the ability to run away from  it, I’ll be in a sink or swim situation. And I hope it’ll be a swim. Sit me down, force me to face my demons, my feelings, finding out that I won’t actually die from them. I just don’t seem to be able to see things as they really are. I try to, but it’s always distorted.

* When there’s nothing going on to keep me preoccupied, it’s a very uncomfortable feeling. I don’t know what to do! That’s where impulsive behavior can come in, I HAVE to do SOMETHING to have some kind of feeling. If I don’t, other feeling seep in that can be uncomfortable to deal with. And when they do, my behaviors can become even more out of control to try and push those feelings down (cutting, burning, yelling/anger erratic driving – ask Peter)
* I need to learn to tolerate them and listen to the part of my mind that says it’s ok. This move may be a part of that change in me.

* Right now I find myself hyper sensitive to emotions of sadness, loneliness, and fear of loss. I’ve always been afraid of losing you even though you remain with me. Abandonment

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Stepping Forward

Balance Beam The last element of the Stanwick ...

As I may or may not have mentioned before, I’m unable to start in a DBT program until we move. But my psychologist still wanted me to be in SOME program until then. Yesterday, I began a partial hospitalization program that does group therapy, all day, five days a week. Day one went pretty well, even though I hadn’t told my husband that I was doing it. He’s been distant lately as he tries to process all that’s been going on with me. Anyway, one of the sessions was experiential therapy and we worked on an obstacle on a ropes course. It was a low hanging log, kind of like a balance beam but would swing from side to side. We had rubber discs that we were to place along the ground on either side of the log, distanced as to how we felt various people were close to us. Then, we were to walk along the log with the instructor there to guide us, as well as group members who were standing on the placed discs. When it was my turn, I stood and tried to focus and find my center of gravity/balance. As I walked across, those closer to the log reached out to offer assistance to me. I started to reach out to them and then pulled back, not taking the assistance (except for the instructor). The log represented our journey through life. Almost at the end, I ended up taking a diving jump off to the side, pulling the instructor into the log and hitting her shin. The group then processed my journey and reluctance to accept assistance. I felt like I had the knowledge and had to reach into myself and only count on myself to get through it. Interesting. Then, we were to do the journey again, but could place the discs anywhere we wanted to tell others how we wanted them to participate. I skipped the discs but asked one of the guys to straddle the log, facing me, hold my hands and walk with me across the log. I said he could jump on and off the log, do whatever, while holding onto my hands. He represented the relationship I want to have with my husband, going through the journey together, playing and enjoying each other the whole way through. It was a very sad and powerful experience. However, if I can learn and grow through this, it will be very rewarding.

Now, it’s time for me to head off to day number 2 of this therapy. I’ll keep you posted. By the way, last night my husband asked me what I was doing today and I said I had some group work to do, all day. So at least he’s aware of it now, even if not the details of time and duration. More to follow.

First Post

Hi, I’ve just begun my recovery from decades of BPD that was never addressed. I’ve coped, at my family’s expense. That is no longer acceptable to me. We all deserve to be happy and to find joy in life. My hope is that it isn’t too late for me or those close to me. I’m desperately afraid of what demons I will be challenged with facing, be they experiences, issues or emotions. Right now, I’m feeling very lonely and apprehensive about stepping into this journey. But step forward I must because going backward isn’t an option and staying put is debilitating. So, here goes!

Lonely Wolf

Lonely Wolf (Photo credit: Ghetu Daniel)