An inkling of why I fight with my son so much

Another fight with my son today, although not a huge one. Now he’s off with a friend, husband’s gone for the afternoon, and I just had a drink. Doing yard work that I’d asked my son to do (and pay him for doing) that he just wasn’t getting around to doing – I got to thinking about our relationship.

I keep being told that I’m driving him away, when there is less than a year until he’s 18 and ready to head out on his own, instead of appreciating the time. Why? That question keeps plaguing me. I know that in the past I have not let people get close, or showed/told them my worst to see if it would be too much for them. Kind of pushing them away from me before they chose to leave (abandon) me because I was “too bad.” Is this what I’m doing with my son? Pushing him away because I know he’ll be leaving anyway?

I create my own Hell.



Screaming Inside or Should I Just Disappear

Floor Drain

Floor Drain (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I just want to disappear down the drain sometimes.

Screaming inside! I REALLY want to hurt myself right now- more than I have in a very long while. Instead, I cut branches off of trees, taking chances as to where and how I did it. But after over an hour of cutting branches, I still want to hurt myself.

I did do some cutting when I just took a shower. Nothing drastic, still  cutting though.


Arguing with my 17 year old. Upcoming psychiatric evaluation. No luck in finding a job.

The pinched nerve in my elbow ( at least for the past 2 months) is bugging me and I really want to push it to the point of snapping. I want to take all kinds of physical chances withy body. Drugs, alcohol, physical risks. I want to shave all the hair off my head – just because and for something to be DRASTIC! I feel very passive aggressive . I took away my son’s iTouch and keep trying different pass codes to unlock it. I don’t really care if I do and would almost like for it to permanently be disabled. He keeps blaming me for everything that how’s wrong in his life, why not this too?

I REALLY want to cut myself. Maybe if I use the chainsaw, I’ll slip. I was away from home about a month+, and there was NO arguing here. As soon as I returned – bam it was back. It’s me, all me. I make home life miserable for all three of us. Even if they don’t say it, I’m sure Dave and Peter wish I wasn’t here. I always seem to find a way to make our relationships worse. For some reason, as soon as things seem good – I find a way to make them bad. Why the Hell am I like this????? Even if I say something with no animosity, the tension is still there.

They’d be better off without me. I mess up everything at home and I doubt either is ever happy to see me. I feel like I’m always trying to do something as a peace offering, to make amends – before I’ve even done anything.

I want to live a full life, but it often feels like the world would be better off without me.

Feeling Fragile

I’ve been with my mom for three weeks now, a week and a half since my  dad passed. All the other relatives have returned home, but I’m still needed here to support her and tidy up all the loose ends. Yesterday, we chose a burial plot for his cremains. We also went to visitation for a good friend of his who passed a week after he did.

All of life seems to be about death right now. Maybe that’s why I broke down last night and cried for my dad to come back and tell me it is all OK. I opened his bedroom door, hoping to see his ghost, but didn’t. I lay in bed, hoping his image would appear at the door with a twinkle in his eyes and a loving smile, but nothing was to be seen. I, his 50 year old daughter, cried and cried for the father I had lost.

It was his time to go, but I NEED to know that he was OK with it and how his life had played out. I had hope to have that conversation with him during his last days, but, although he was not in pain, breathing was so difficult as his lungs filled, he couldn’t talk because of the effort. At one point, when palliative care was decided (hospice), he asked me if it was the right choice. All I could answer was that we wanted him to be comfortable. I knew, and I think he did too, that nothing more could be done to try and heal him. His heart was failing as the valves leaked and constricted. He could no longer endure or survive surgery. How do you tell someone that the doctors can’t fix you anymore?

So after months of feeling better than I have in years, I feel like I’m about to crumble into a childlike heap of tears and emotions of loss and abandonment. But I can’t. I am needed as a pillar for my 88 year old mom.

Is this, then, my test of recovery? Will I hold strong now, only to fall apart once I am home and she is safe here? I hope not. I don’t want to fall back into that pit. I want to live and flourish in life. I have new friends who support me in ways I never experienced. I know I have to feel the pain, the loss, and know that it doesn’t have to consume me. I can feel it and be OK. I can, I can. I guess that needs to be my new mantra.

Do I make life better or worse for others?

Tonight, I sat on the deck with my dog and wrapped her rope around my neck and pulled. I want to be here, but I don’t want to always be “that way” or fighting with others.

I stopped when I got to the point that choked. I thought of all the kids who play the “choking game”. I don’t want my life to end that way.

Just hit a rut.. I’m still here and plan to stay.

Better Day

Ok, I know my last  post was on a bad day. I took 3 sleeping pills (2 and then a 3rd an hour later) and also had a strong drink and slept most of the day between 8 a.m. and 3 p.m. Got into a big fight with my son and then cut. Poor choices all around. I’ve been really trying to find work, and to get help with health insurance. I guess it’s stressing me a bit.

Sleeping Pills

Sleeping Pills (Photo credit: A.Currell)

I just want everyone to know that today was much better, though not what I’d call a great day. But I have to recognize and appreciate these days so I can see that it isn’t all out of control.

Hesitatingly Calm

Eye of the storm

Eye of the storm (Photo credit: Aquila)

The last few days have found me feeling calmer. I’ve actually stopped and TRIED to feel what’s going on  inside. I can’t. There’s little there. It’s a great relief after the anxiety of the holidays and my wanting to cut. This calm happens periodically, and I never  know how long it will last. Is it the calm before the storm? The calm that is actually the eye of the storm? I don’t know, except that it will end at some point. There hasn’t been much conflict in the last few days. I approached my vet’s office about volunteering, but they don’t need anyone now.

English: Calm before the storm A cumulonimbus ...

English: Calm before the storm A cumulonimbus developing its anvil head as it approaches Balmonth reservoir. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I decided to look into transferring my teaching credential to California in the coming week, and I am anxious about that. If they are in order, I’ll be able to apply for a license here. If not, I don’t know if I will take classes for what I might need. If I am able to get my California license, gulp, a different story might unfold. I’ve told myself and my husband that I would start looking for a job. I need the insurance. But I’m extremely worried about job stress and full blown relapse beyond just wanting to self harm. If I can’t get my license here, then I need to look at other jobs. I’ve always pushed myself SO hard at work that I feel like a loser if I have all this education and experience and then take a job at a pet store or grocery store. The only thing I know will happen – for sure – is that eventually the storm will come again. It might be today, tomorrow, next week, month or later. But it will return. It always has, making it hard for  us (myself and my family) to enjoy the current peace. But I’m trying to. It means not saying much,  because then I disagree/argue and rages get triggered. I kind of lose my identity even more when trying to remain calm. Say nothing, do nothing … but calm is needed when it can be found, for the storm will rage like a hurricane and shatter all in its path.

Cutting Edginess

Custom X-Acto 2

Custom X-Acto 2 (Photo credit: grumblegeek)

I want to cut. I don’t know why, but I do. It feels like I’m having an affair with this desire. Why? I’m hovering at my desk, behind my husbands back. We went out for New Year’s Eve and stayed in a hotel. I took my exacto knife, though I didn’t use it. I want to. I don’t know why. I’ve been drinking more, perhaps that’s it. Then, why do I drink? I don’t know why. My meds are out, but I’m still here. My heart beats faster, a secret feeling – this desire. Why? Why? My mood is even, maybe that’s what’s scaring me. It feels uncomfortable, not right, not me. My son is on vacation now, 2,000 miles away. Our arguing is often a trigger because I can’t let go, let him fly. I’ve emailed the last psychiatrist I had – asking for prescriptions. I think I may really need those meds before I fall off the fence of this … contemplation. I really want to cut, it satisfies. It helps me hold in words, thoughts, fears of life I can’t identify. I’m contemplating, examining … where can I cut and it not be seen? I want relief, not attention for it. I’ve learned that I can’t get attention the way I always crave. No deep embrace or touching my face. In love. The love is there, but expression has changed. We’ve gotten older together. It was never your style, though I wanted it so. I want to cut, for more reasons than one. But none of it matters. People just don’t understand. How can I smile and make it all seem so nice? But once distractions are gone, and I’m left to contemplate, I wonder what old age will be like and I see a blank slate. Many times, my husband has asked what I’ll do when our son has gone, into adulthood and away from our home. What will I worry about and fight? I think he’s afraid that he’s next. I really want to cut. A pressure valve of emotions to help keep them hidden. To look normal and happy, I need a distraction. To cut would do it … I could work it for days. Deeper and deeper, like the one behind my knee. I’ve no reason to feel this way, yet I do. It has become my normal. I don’t know how to be truly honest in my feelings and actions. I always live trying to meet expectations. Right this moment, I’m not unhappy or mad (that I know of) yet I still want to cut. For relief from what?