Closing In

No, I’m not burning, cutting or raging … but anxiety is closing me in and I am again binging and purging. But the purging isn’t working out much, so there’s lots of guilt and shame. Closing in on myself.

In counseling, we’ve changed directions a bit, on my request, from some DBT to cognitive behavior therapy. I want to look at my perceptions of myself and my world. I’m again feeling like I’m being told that I’m not what I thought. (Don’t really feel like going into that right now though.) Instead of looking at mindfulness and distress tolerance, I’ve started talking about what’s missing. Words that I don’t even want to utter out loud. I haven’t burned or cut in a long time, but I’m back to doing what I’ve spent the most number of years doing … binging and purging. So secretive, so personal, so difficult to get to succeed any more. My body rebels and I fail. Fail.

I find my body getting very still, to watch around me and see if I’m being noticed, my thoughts heard. I’m getting ready to go on a week and a half driving trip. There are questions I’d like to ask as we have this time alone together. But I cannot, unless I want us both to regret it. So I’m locked in silence and the silence is crushing as it intensifies. Sabotage? Fear, loneliness in the midst of togetherness

.questions

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13 thoughts on “Closing In

  1. I hope the changes in therapy will help you. I think that according to what is happening now with you and the issues you are dealing with, that more of a CBT approach can help you.

    I hope you make progress and feel better. X

    • I hope so. Fear is there. I AM very mindful when I’m purging … Quite in the moment – but I low that’s being sarcastic and not being mindful of the emotions I’m puking over. Sorry – feels like I’m being horrible here. Probably just the emotions and thoughts I’m fearful of. Also afraid of my upcoming responsibilities.

      • It’s not abnormal to be afraid.. in fact it would be abnormal to not be afraid and have fears! Fears are healthy in a funny way!

      • I know what you mean.

        I guess it’s just a natural thing, to feel fear… If we didn’t feel fear then something would be wrong! Fear motivates us to protect ourselves and be alert and all kinds of things.

    • I hope so too. I’m also anxious that with my new job, and the insurance through it, that I won’t be able to see this counselor or practitioner for my meds. Then I’ll be starting all over again.

  2. Hi H.
    Thanks for sharing what is really going on. I know that is a really really important step. Even if it isn’t the full solution by itself, it is a key in the “right” direction.

    It sounds like a very painful place to be in. I recognize this space as I’ve been in it a lot in my life….:”binging and purging. So secretive, so personal, so difficult “….and:…. “I find my body getting very still, to watch around me and see if I’m being noticed, my thoughts heard.”

    It is very lonely, even if you are close to someone in other ways.

    My wish for you is that you can also find some outlet for your very strong (valid) feelings, other than self harm. Even if you can’t totally replace the b/p, maybe you could experiment with tiny steps of non-verbal expressings…..just a thought…hopefully that doesn’t come across as a “should”.

    xxoo

    • I appreciate your suggestions. They don’t come across as “should” at all. We’ll see what happens. I’ve been doing really well for a long time, so I suppose it’s all a bit expected. My pattern for years. All the changes going on are probably contributing – son graduated, new job, pending birthday, and long road trip with my husband.

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