I haven’t written for awhile now. I’m stuck. Trying counselling, but don’t know if it’s helping. I cry a lot – at the mention of my father, future losses, failures I think I’ve had with my son and husband. I cry because I can’t go back in time to change what I said or did. I cry because I’m afraid of what I’ve lost or might lose.  It’s oppressive at times.

The counselor tells me to keep practicing mindfulness, and that some of the things I share with her indicate that I am being mindful at times. She reminds me that I can’t change the past or predict the future. Bemoaning and anxiety. I keep trying. It is SO hard though. Emotions run amuck. Sensations of the walls of the past and future close in around me, leaving little room for mindfulness. The pressure of the past and future engulf me, causing me to panic and forget where I’m at. I suppose that as I practice being mindful, I should get stronger and be able to push the walls back into place. At least that’s what I think my counselor would say if I shared my analogy with her. Is the goal then to push them back until the room they shape (my life) is as large as possible?

Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

Cement walls closing in. I feel like I will drown.

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “Mindfulness

  1. Hi H.
    I’m glad you are seeing a counselor even if you’re not sure if it’s helping. It seems like it’s got to be a good thing to have someone to talk to. And crying is a healthy sign. (releasing pain). I guess doing healthy things doesn’t always give an immediate positive result. I have noticed that for myself and found it really frustrating.

    I also found mindfulness to actually bring more awareness to painful stuff when I thought it would be the opposite….I thought it would calm me. But it doesn’t work that way. And for a long time I thought I was doing it wrong or that I might be too damaged to quiet my mind and be present.

    In fact I’ve had to experiment with a lot of things to inch my way towards being present (mindful) with things just as they are. At first it seemed like I was just a complete failure. But now I am finding that I can created little moments and spaces for mindfulness amidst my complex inner world. And sometimes a bit of peace comes now too. But I had to set the bar really low. And I have to include movement like walking or rocking or something soothing in order to be able to find moments of presence….like even just for 5 minutes. It takes time.

    Thanks for writing.
    Sending good wishes your way.
    xxoo

    • Thanks Gel, I appreciate your feedback. I know mindfulness is a good thing – just foreign. Will I ever be able to push the walls back and not be consumed by regrets, doubt and fear? Sorry I’ve been lax in reading blogs. I think I’ve been avoiding them for some reason. Not just yours, all the ones I regularly read.

  2. That picture is a very good depiction of the thoughts that run through my mind. Too good.

    It does sound like your counselor has some good advice for you. A lot of times someone will give me advice and I’ll think “ya, that’s really good, I’ll do that” but don’t realize that it actually takes a lot of mindfulness in order to get to where I CAN do whatever it is that sounded like a good idea! Sometimes I feel like I’m not allowed to go through a process, that I’m expected to take whatever advice I was given and BAM, all good. A friend with BPD just recently told me that I’m the one not giving myself allowance, for the most part anyhow. I think she’s right. I ALSO think it will take a lot of mindfulness to remember that. Damn that helpful mindfulness. 🙂

    I’m glad you’re going to a counselor. When I first “met” you, you were still on the east coast and getting ready for a big move. Ever since you haven’t been connected with anyone. I hope that this is at the least a good start.

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