New Meds, helping???

I’m off the Latuda and trying Lamotrigine again. No more “crawling out of my skin” feeling, which is good. I think the Lamotrigine is helping a little, but the dose hasn’t been finalized yet. Slowly increasing it. I’ve also been dealing with a lot of pain in both of my legs lately. The doctor thought it was bursitis, but is now considering a bulging disc. The pain is horrible at times. At night, if I change positions, it feels like my legs have been stabbed with a knife, and the blade drawn down to my knee. I fall asleep crying and afraid of changing positions during the night. I’m sure this isn’t helping my depression! I’m dissatisfied with EVERYTHING in my life. Overly emotional (though I haven’t blown up in a rage in awhile!) Last weekend, I was driving with my husband and started crying. His reaction was, “Good Lord!” I know that it was just because he’s frustrated with me always feeling down. He’s been there with me through it for over 30 years, and I’m sure it’s exhausting to be around when you don’t know how to help.

I know my life is filled with blessings, and it’s easy to start naming and acknowledging them. But that doesn’t make a difference with depression, and I feel that most people don’t understand that. When I recognize that I am blessed, yet still battle with my depression on a daily basis, I again realize that it is a disease. Something is amiss in my brain chemistry. And this brings me back to my depression. I may receive treatment for it, but it will always be there … a part of who I am. Some days, I feel hopeless and wonder why I am still here.

I want to be exuberant and filled with joy at life and the wondrous world I live in. Will that ever be? I do have brief moments of laughter and happiness. But they don’t last more than a day or so. At least they do come round though. Most days, I hide my depression behind a facade. My smile doesn’t make it to my eyes. Do people even recognize this? I don’t know, but it gets me through the moments so that I don’t SEEM to be down so much. It makes me feel like I haven’t been a very good wife or mother.

I’m just SO tired of being sad and crying at the drop of a hat! Just writing this has me in tears. Saying good-night to my son has me in tears. I am very lucky and blessed to have him as my son. He is kind and generous and thoughtful … a good person through and through. I’m happy that I’ve had a part in developing those characteristics in him. I am fearful that he might develop some of my condition as he gets older. But I have to be mindful and in the moment. He isn’t like that now, and I have no way of knowing about the future. So I do enjoy and appreciate him for who he is today. And the time I spend with him.

On a different note, last weekend, I went with some friends to a place where they take you through the creation of a painting. Usually the painting was done by someone famous. We were all taken through painting “The Old Vineyard.” I didn’t recognize the painting, but the whole process was fun and a great way to spend an afternoon with a few friends. I’m hoping it will get me to pull out my paints and canvas and have a go of it at home.

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Sometimes, I just want to go to sleep and stay asleep. But i also don’t want to miss out on life. I want to see my son grow and have a good life and family. I hope to be a grandmother some day – and think I will be a good one. Those of you will know what I mean. I’m just so tired of being sad – for what seems like no reason. I want to live life fully, but am having a hard time doing so.

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6 thoughts on “New Meds, helping???

  1. I hope the lamictal will help, I know the frustration of it taking forever to get to a workable dose but hopefully it’ll be worth it. I hope you’ll paint and that it’ll help. I’m sorry you’re tired. I feel a lot of times like I don’t have the “right” to be sad because I am so blessed in so many areas. But depression, sadness… it doesn’t matter if you’re rich or poor, have had a hard life or not so bad, etc… It just is what it is. Things can be going great and then BAM, you’re knocked down. I don’t blame you for being so tired of it. I really hope things will get better soon.

    Thinking about you!

    • Thanks, Mandi. Days are so on again/off again that I never know just where I’ll be at. Trying to be mindfull. I had x-rays of my neck and lower back yesterday. We’ll see what comes of that.

  2. Hawkruh
    You wrote: “I know my life is filled with blessings, and it’s easy to start naming and acknowledging them. But that doesn’t make a difference with depression, and I feel that most people don’t understand that.”

    I understand this from my own experience. I have worked with saying gratitudes for many years. At first it seemed so ridiculous because even though I knew they were true, I didn’t FEEL good about all the wonderful things about my life. But it was suggested that I keep doing it anyway and maybe eventually things would change. Now I’d say that I have both….I can say what i’m grateful for and I do feel good about those things But at the same time I still experience the depressions and the being cut off from feeling good about all the good things in my life. One of the hardest parts for me is that when I list the good things, then I’d feel more bad about myself for not feeling happy and energized about these things. But I’ve realized that that is a downward spiral.

    I feel for you in all that you have written here. I wish it was easier for you. I hope you get the right medications going soon. I still think that nutrition could be a significant contributing factor in perpetuating depression. I would try to talk you out of your meds. But maybe consider simultaneously getting better nourishment. ANd sleep.

    Sending best wishes and love your way.

    • OOPs…significant type-o….I meant to write that I WOULDN’T try to talk you out of your meds.

      I’m only suggesting the nutrition and sleep angle because I’m finding how big an impact those have on my depression and mental health.

      • Thanks for your support Gel. I am improving my nutrition. I juice for breAkfast and lunch ( with a lot of pulp added back in.) When my legs allow, I try to get 8 hours. I realize how important both of those elements are to my general health AND mental health. I’d be much worse off without them .

      • OK dear, I don’t mean to “educate” you when that isn’t what you need or want.

        I guess it’s easy for me to disregard the importance of sleep and good nutrition in these mental health issues so I just want to share that with others.

        It sounds like you are doing good things on many levels. I so admire that. Thanks for sharing your process.

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