Update – Feeling Horrible

Something’s wrong and I can’t figure it out. I went off the latuda because, although it helped my mood, it made me feel really creepy. I felt like my skin was crawling and couldn’t handle not doing something – although nothing was what I wanted to do. So now I’m on lamotrigine (building up my dosage). I’m apprehensive of side effects. The last time I was on this, I gained 25 pounds in one month, so was quick to get off it. Hopefully it was something else that made me gain the weight back then, and the lamotrigine will work this time. Aside from that, I have overwhelming feelings of dissatisfaction with my life. It seems to all be for naught. I can’t find success in anything I do. I’m not adding to anything. 

And then there’s losses. Last May, my dad passed away and I’m still not over it. In a few months, my son graduates from high school and moves out and into his new life. My mom is 89 and doing well, but life keeps moving and people will keep passing out of my life. I can’t seem to get anything figured out anymore. My head can’t wrap around simple tasks. I’m moody and don’t even realize it until it’s pointed out. I want to crawl into bed and never leave. 


8 thoughts on “Update – Feeling Horrible

  1. Oh I know the feeling.

    Regardless of what people say to me ‘you’re still young’, time goes fast and I can’t keep up with it. Time is passing me by and before I know it… I’m going to look back and think what the F.

    But change can be made. You have to believe in yourself. Love or at least like yourself for starters to know that you deserve more….


    • Thanks, It sure is hard to sometimes. I called to see if I could get an antidepressant, but it’s too soon since starting the lamotrigine and could make me manic – so no go. It’ll be at least three weeks until I’m at my full dosage!

      • I know the feeling! They put me on Lamictal also a few weeks back and I’m on 200mg now but they also said they won’t make any other changes because not because of the potential of mania but generally interfering with the Lamictal and not being sure what is doing what ie. feeling worse or better. From where the side affects are coming from etc.

        Hang in there! It takes time and patience with this medication, but it’s a good med for A LOT of people so hopefully it will be for you too. Xx

  2. I’m sorry all the med stuff is so difficult. I admire your patience with it.

    I can really relate to dealing with all the changes, losses and the grieving. I think you know I’m near your age and grappling with some of the same stuff. That grieving seems to come in waves. I go through one and think I’m over it, but then another one comes along and I’m in it again. It’s hard to tell what is what…..is it another grief wave or more depression or what?

    Keep talking, get it out. Caring people will listen. That doesn’t fix everything but it helps.


  3. I’m sorry, I haven’t forgotten you. Just been mia for a bit.

    I’m on lamictal, it took about 6mo to work up the dose. Because it took so long it was really hard to tell if it did anything. When I was in the hospital in August though they upped the dose 25mg, now I’m on 150mg in the am and 175mg at night. Even though it was a small increase I did feel a little better. I was told that lamotragine can actually cause weight loss, which I didn’t mind! I have lost a little weight since I started it over a year ago, I don’t really think it’s because of the med but who knows. I’ve been on meds that do cause weight gain which is really hard for me to deal with, I can relate to the fear there.

    You’ve had SO much going on and have dealt with it all so well. It sounds like a lot is catching up with you, which doesn’t mean that you’re failing! Even if you didn’t have BPD these things would be hard! I hate that you’ve been feeling bad. Been thinking bout’ you and hoping things improve.

    • hey, they just started me on lamotrigine (Lamactil) two weeks ago. It’s frustrating waiting for the dose to get to a theraputic dose. The last few days have been better. Really struggling with losses right not. Can’t mention or think about my dad without crying. Very fearful of losses I know I will have over the years. Nothing I can do to stop time. But have to learn to stay in the here and now rather than worry about the inevitable. Mindfulness is REALLY hard! But I need to do it in order to move forward.

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