Paralysis…

My husband and I have had some very difficult talks over the last few days. Our future together is very shaky. He needs some peace and stability in his life. For over 30 years, I’ve denied him that. And it’s improbable that I can ever give it to him. It is what it is, even as I try new meds and therapy (DBT, but one-on-one). A life-long fear may soon be realized. Alone. When I’m confronted with a situation that is so difficult and requires action on my part, I freeze – paralysis, and disassociate. Where tears or anger would be expected, I go cold and feel nothing. Or, I may act overly energetic, giddy. Inappropriate emotions for the situation. A facade to hide the fear.

The Bipolar Codex

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2 thoughts on “Paralysis…

  1. That sounds really heavy.
    I remember you saying that you fear being alone. And hearing that your partner is not getting some important needs met must be really hard for you.

    I can understand being so scared that you are paralyzed and not feeling. I think that would happen to me too at least for a while, in a similar situation.

    Could it be that instead of “inappropriate emotions” or “a facade to hide fears”, that your paralysis is more of a survival mode? If there is a threat to your basic survival – such as being alone – and if there is a chance that expressing intense feelings might make that threat more likely to come true, then it would be in your best interest to not feel or express intense stuff.

    I’m not suggesting that these are good things going on for you. Just that it sounds like you are judging yourself for your reactions, which could be seen as exactly natural for an extreme situation.

    I wish I could saying something helpful. But I’m listening and I wish it wasn’t so hard.

    (((hugs)))

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